On my way home yesterday, I stopped at the garage to get a brew
and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman
who was smoking while putting her gas in.

I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both,
especially with the police standing RIGHT there.

But anyways, I minded my own business and went inside and got my brew.

As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming!
Like I'm talking violent death screams!!

I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!

She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!!
Like she was bat sh1t crazy.

When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground and
they were putting the fire out!

Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.

I was thinking, arrested??
Shouldn't she be in an ambulance, not a police car?

And being the nosy a$$ I am, I asked the copper what they were arresting her for?

The officer looked at me, dead serious, and said
"WAVING A FIRE ARM"!!

**********************

A Texas Farmer is visiting a Vermont farm.

The Texan asks the Vermont farmer,
"How big is your farm?"

The Vermont farmer points to a big bush and says
"Well that there is one end and it goes over to that barn,
then back up to that road you can see there, and were sitting
right on the fourth corner".

The Texan ponders this for a moment before the Vermont farmer asks,
"Well how big is your farm?"

The Texan explains "Well say I get in my car at about 6 am, and
leave one end of my farm. If I drive all day, I should reach the
other end by about dinner time.

The Vermont farmer looks up and replies
"Yeah. I had a car like that once".

**********************************


Sam died.
His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased" she said.

"I'm sure you're right" replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it" said Helen. "Thirty thousand".

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered
"The funeral was $6,500.
I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500.
The rest went for the memorial stone".

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats".


*************************************

A woman is walking home with her three daughters,
Rose, Lily and Cinderblock.

Rose asks he mother,
"Mom why did you name me Rose?"

To which her mother replies,
"Well sweetie, when we were coming home
from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head."

Lily curious now, asks her mother,
"Mom why did you name me after a
flower too?"

To which her mother replies,
"Well sweetie when we were coming home
from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head."

Finally, Cinderblock says to her mother,
"hg hg h DN b GH DN b GH?"