Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.
During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that
both of them possessed incredibly long, appendages

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir" the older one replied.

"I see" said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the
reason for your elongated appendages?"

"No sir, our mother".

"Your mother? You idiot, women do not have this type of appendage!"

"I know, sir" replied the recruit "but she only had one arm, and
when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to
manage as best she could!"


*********************************


An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a
shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued
by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution
after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,
she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight" she said.

He whirled around and screamed
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN!
DON'T YOU EVER STOP!?"

*********************************

A cranky older woman in her senior years was arrested for shoplifting
at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store
manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had
stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied
"Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool".

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store".

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

In a nasty tone she replied "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to
give you nine days in jail - one day for each peach".

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering
husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"


The husband said meekly
"Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas".


*********************************


One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes
he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Ron, the home owner, coming out with a load
of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow Ron, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night"
the Postman commented.

Ron, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some
weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing
WHO AM I?"

The Postman thought for a moment and said
"How do you play WHO AM I?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered
with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is..."

The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it".

"Probably a good thing you did" Ron responded
"Your name came up 7 times".


*********************************


Two little snakes were hissing near their pit.

The mother snake came out and said,
''What are you doing hissing near our pit.
If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss.

The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss.

Mrs. Potts came out and said,
''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing
near my pit? If you want to hiss, go back over to your
own pit and hiss!''

The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss.

Their mother came out and said,
''What are you doing hissing near our pit?
I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss.

They said, Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to go
back to our own pit to hiss.

The mother snake said,
''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a pit to hiss in.''


*********************************


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
nonstop for five minutes".

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac
oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream
for fifteen minutes straight".

The Aussie said
"That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya know, all over her
body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter,
and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours".

The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked
"Two full hours? Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make
her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie replied "I wiped my hands on the curtains".


********************************************

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident,
a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.



When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says
"I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen!
Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send
your souls back, but we do have a protocol for cases like yours.
What we do is, we let you choose a person on Earth. You get to inhabit their body,
but unfortunately, it's only for six months".



"Okay, Sister Giuseppina, you first. Who would you like to return as?"

"Sophia Loren" says Sister Giuseppina.


Saint Peter types into his workstation for a few seconds and
Sister Giuseppina disappears in a puff of smoke.



"Okay, Sister Lucrezia, you're next. Who would you like to be?"

"Gina Lollobrigida" answers Sister Lucrezia.

Again, Saint Peter types on his keyboard, and
Sister Lucrezia disappears in a puff of smoke.



"Sister Benedetta. Who would you like to return as?"

"Sarah Pippolini" she says.

Saint Peter types for a few seconds, frowns, and types some more.
"I'm sorry, Sister, I'm not getting a match for anyone with that name".

"Sarah Pippolini, Sarah Pippolini!" the little old nun cries imploringly,
shaking a newspaper under Saint Peter's nose.

Saint Peter takes the newspaper and reads it.



"No, you see, Sister "Saint Peter explains.
"This says, the Sahara Pipeline was laid by twelve thousand
men in six months!"

A tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: "You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license
and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car".

Tourist: "But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!"

Cop: "I don't care".

Tourist: "Please be reasonable, you can't do this!"

Cop: "Well, you can file an appeal. Here write it on this paper,
but it has to be in Russian".

Tourist: "But I don't know any Russian!"

Cop: "Not my problem".

The tourist takes the piece of paper and starts pacing around the car.
In desperation, he takes a $50 bill out of his wallet, wraps it in the
paper and hands it to the cop.

Cop: "I see you already wrote half of the appeal!
And you said you didn't know any Russian!"


*******************************

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door
to each other. In order to convince customers to come to their store rather
than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says
"JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE.  BEST PRICES!"

Not to be outdone, the one on the right puts up a sign that says
"JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. BEST QUALITY!!"

The one in the middle thinks about it for a while and eventually puts up a sign of his own.
"JACKSON'S CLOTHING STORE. MAIN ENTRANCE!"


*******************************

A man walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some see-through lingerie
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to $150
in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea'. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on - do the modelling naked return it tomorrow and get a $150 refund
and keep the money for myself'.

So, she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says "My God, it wasn't that creased in the shop".
His funeral is this Thursday.


*******************************

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news" the doctor says.
"You're dying, and you don't have much time left".

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten" the doctor says sadly."

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

*******************************


An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat".

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager".

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,
but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred" the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied
"The balcony"...