Time for some one liners (At least they are ... Punny)


How does Moses make his tea? 
Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? 
Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home.
Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then
I lost interest.

England has no kidney bank,
but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog,
but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood,
but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.
It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid,
but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went,
and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.

PMS jokes aren't funny;
Period...

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job 
She couldn't control her pupils.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A Thesaurus.

I got a job at a bakery
because I kneaded dough.

I dropped out of communism class
because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in police station had been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.

Velcro 
What a rip off!

Ain't this just plum awful...
What some folks don't come up with is beyond me.

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea ,
two prawns were swimming around.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then
I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said,
"Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,
afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found
life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.


Justin began to realized that his new menacing appearance
was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again
and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could
change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and,
lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back
to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail
it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed
sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted,

"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me.
You're now a shark, the enemy, and
I'll not be tricked into being your dinner!"

Justin cried back "No, I'm not.
That was the old me. I've changed.".........


(You're going to love this................................)



"I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

This quarantine is really starting to
get to some folks ... Coping is all ...
Different


People Who Are Bored Staying At Home



Coronavirus Memes That Will Make Your Quarantine A Little Better



Coronavirus Memes V2 (NEW March 2020)



People Being Funny While On Coronavirus Lockdown

How to kill corona virus

How to kill corona virus

A huge lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company.
The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an ax.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there" the foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired,
but I need to know what you can do.
Try your hand at this tree over here".

The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman.
"Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest" replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here!!"


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What do you call a pig with 3 eyes. ?


Piiig


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God said to John,
"Come forth and I will grant you eternal life.",

But John came fifth so so all he got was a toaster.


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Did you hear about the 9 year old girl who completely disappeared
because she used a skin care product guaranteed to make
her look 10 years younger ?


*******************************************

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey" she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks
"So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good" she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that" she says. "Well, I did what I could.
Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl".


*******************************************

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt -
prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked "Will I be acquitted?"


*******************************************

"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.

"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty-four dollars".

'Expensive, but okay' he thought.

All that remained was the size,
but he hadn't the faintest idea.

"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons?
Coconuts?
Grape fruits?
Oranges?"

"No" he said "nothing like that".

"Come on, sir, think. There must be something
your wife's bust resembles".

He thought long and hard and then looked up and
said "Eggs, fried, on a plate”.


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Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer
in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do
not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. Preosllnay
I tinhk its cmolpete nenosnese......