The Naughty Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Xmas and all through the house
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse
Grandma and Grandpa were singing a song
And the kid was in bed flogging his dong

Ma, home from the cat house, and me out of jail
Had just crawled into bed for a nice piece of tail
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter

Away to the window I flew like a flash
Threw open the shutters and busted my ass
The moon on the crest of the new fallen snow
Gave a whore-house-like luster to the objects below

When what to my blood shot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and two mangy reindeer
With a little old driver a pounding his prick
I knew in a moment, it must be Saint Nick

Slower than snails his reindeer they came
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name
Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls
Quick now, damn it, or I'll cut out your balls.

Then down the chimney he came like a bat out of hell,
I knew at that moment, the fat fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with drugs and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother who's queer.

And up again he went with a fart,
that son of a bitch blew my chimney apart.

And I heard him say as he flew out of sight,
"piss on you all it's been a hell of a night."

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Drugged Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat
The techno was blaring, 'twas too loud to chat
The rizlas were perched on the table with care
And smoke full of chemicals soon filled the air

We'd just been out clubbing, I truly was trashed
My friends were all here and equally mashed
We'd popped a few pills and we'd had a quick sniff
And just settled down to a nice tasty spliff

When out on the balcony rose such a clatter
We looked slowly up to see what was the matter
I got to my feet and I swayed to the door
And only occasionally fell on the floor

I peered through the glass as I took a long puff
The land glistened softly with rubbish and stuff
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
But a fat man in red and a team of reindeer

He yelled and he ranted, gave each one a kick
I knew in a second it must be Saint Nick
He shrieked at each Reindeer and cursed them alike
"Fuck you!" yelled Rudolph "we're going on strike!"

The reindeer did turn and soar into the sky
And Santa growled something that wasn't goodbye
I watched as they went in a puff of pink smoke
And vowed from now on to stay off of the coke

As debris did settle St Nick turned around
He swore as he angrily kicked at the ground
He gave me a gesture that clearly implied
He'd be very pleased if I let him inside

I threw the doors open and ushered him in
Invited him through with a welcoming grin
"So where are our presents?" my smashed flatmate cried
With a look of astonishment, Santa replied;

"You seriously think you might be on my list?
You've got to be kidding, you're taking the piss!
Have you lot considered your actions this year?
Stop being stupid and get me a beer."

He opened a tooheys, but still looked depressed
We asked him to tell us what made him so stressed
"My reindeer have left me" he said with a sigh
"Unless I have reindeer I've no way to fly!"

"Now look here" I told him "we may not know much
We don't help old ladies, kiss babies and such,
But Santa, there's no need for you to despair
We know how to get you back up in the air!"

I chopped up a line with precision and skill
And rolled him up neatly a $20 bill
His face lit up quickly with real Christmas cheer
"Perhaps you kids WILL get some presents this year!"

He spoke not a word but got straight to his mission
He snorted that line with wholehearted ambition
Then Santa skinned up and he smiled as he puffed
We knew that our stockings this year would be stuffed

He sprang to the balcony, leapt from the railing
Soared to the sky with his present-sack trailing

I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"