My wife apologized for the first time ever today.
She said she's sorry she ever married me.

***********************************************

Someone attacked me with a bat in the park last night.
To be fair, I was amazed that he had managed to train it so well.

***********************************************

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms,
was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say
"Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort
"Well I... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am,
I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time,
but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over.

"The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me,
and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.

The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. "I'm so sorry,
but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone
willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you.
We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be
happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge".

"Fine" the woman said with an air of resignation
"but I've never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!"

"Well, I just said the truth!" could be faintly heard from the seat behind.

Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel
better as soon as possible, telling her
"Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage,
whatever you choose, it's on us" she said.

"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for you to comfort your monkey".


***********************************************

I bought a pug for my wife for her birthday.
Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat,
the pug seemed to like her anyway.

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A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth" the Indian replied. "I suppose" she said patronizingly
"that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us".

"Oh no" he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster".

***********************************************


FOUND A STARVING, DIRTY, SMELLY, SKINNY, AND MATTED KITTY...


Hubby and I felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.'



The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know
when we could come to get her.

My hubby (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.'
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

My hubby and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my hubby 'El-Cheap-O,' and my hubby calls
the vet 'El-Charge-O.'

They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another.
It's a contest of who can get the better of the other.

The next day my hubby had an appointment with his doctor,
who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.

The Dr's waiting room and office was full of people waiting.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my hubby arrive.

He looked straight at my hubby and in a loud voice said,
'Your wife's kittycat doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it,
and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant!
God only knows who the father is!'

THEN HE CLOSED THE DOOR.

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine,
inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in
the personnel department and states that she wants to lodge a sexual harassment grievance
against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies "It's Frank, the dwarf".


*****************************************************




*****************************************************





*****************************************************


13,000 people go to the emergency room each year from the golf course. Here's why

A man spends the afternoon in a bar with his companion, a giraffe.
They are drinking heavily.

Eventually, the giraffe falls over and remains unconscious on the floor.

The man looks at the giraffe, shrugs and leaves.

The bartender chases him down the street, saying "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' in my bar!"

The man says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe".

******************************************************

I just spent $1000 to hire a limousine and found out it doesn't come with a driver.

Can't believe I spent all that money
and have nothing to chauffeur it!

******************************************************

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers,
escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"NAH" he replied "I'm just a lousy golfer".

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic...
and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
"You RETARD... Oh my God you STINK...
Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother".

By now, the man is extremely perplexed.
He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir" the bartender responds "The peanuts are complimentary,
but the cigarette machine is out of order".

*****************************************************

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers
"May I help you?"

The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to
jump out the window".

The desk clerk says "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter".

The man replies "Listen you idiot. The window won't open...
and that's a maintenance matter".

*****************************************************

A recent article in the West Australian Newspaper Reported that a woman,
Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband
had surgery at the hospital

She said, "He Lost All Interest In Sex!"

A Hospital Spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard Was Admitted for Cataract Surgery!
All We Did Was Correct His Eyesight!"


*****************************************************

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day".

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?"

So he is teleported into a classroom.

After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves,
so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The CEO says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This'll be a breeze"

So he is teleported to a restaurant.

After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane,
so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist"

So he is transported to an art facility.

He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas,
then sells it for a billion dollars.

The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a Master's Degree in Art".

*****************************************************


There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent,
but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved.
But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees,
but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair".

"What I want you to do" the man continued "
is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory.
Tell your descendants to do the same.
It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong".

So, they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree,
the children replanted one,
and so did their children,
and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was,
all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.