Why Americans don't eat snails?

They prefer fast food


******************************************


Two detectives from Manhattan South were assigned a mugging case in an alley off Wall Street.
They arrived and talked to the victim, a turtle named Arthur.


"You were mugged?" the first detective says.


"Yes," the turtle sniffed, "By a gang of snails!"


"Tell us what happened," the second detective said.


"I don't know," the turtle sighed, "It all happened so fast!"


******************************************


A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says

"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered".

"Sir" replied the doctor "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"


******************************************


I accidentally shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.

Judge: "This is a very serious crime.
Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Me: "Yes your Honor, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once I realized
the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what my late father said.

'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so
I took it home and fed my family for a day".

Judge: "Yeah... yeah... that's very moving young man and, under the circumstances,
I'm prepared to admonish you but... just before you step down...
I'm curious, what did it taste like?"


Me: "Hard to say Your Honor, kind of like a cross between an Osprey and a Peregrine".


******************************************


The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well,
so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.


"The next time you're down in the field ploughing and feel a yearning for your wife
don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and
go to the house" said the doctor.

"I tried that" said the farmer "But by the time I get to the house,
I am so tuckered out, it's no use".


The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you
leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun
and she will come down there where you are".


A few weeks later the two men met on the street.


"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days" said the farmer
"But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".


******************************************

What do you call a fish with two knees?

A tunee fish!


******************************************

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!


******************************************

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.

He could not control his curiosity and asked "Do you always carry
your TV remote with you?"

She replied "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany
me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote".

MORAL: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies.


The story continues...


The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.

He said "Your husband has blocked your credit card".


MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.


Story continues...


Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it.
Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card.


MORAL: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE.


Story continues...


After swiping, the machine indicated
'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'.



MORAL: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!



Story continues...


She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.

She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.
She bought her items and returned home happily.


MORAL: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!



Story continues...


On getting home, his car was gone.
A note was pasted on the door:
"Couldn't find the remote.
Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match.
Will be home late.
Call me on my phone if you need something".


Damn... he left with the house key too.


MORAL: Don't try to control your husband.
You will always lose.

Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a daughter wrote home to her father, 

who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second-hand motorcycle.

By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead.

After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair. 

Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him a letter.

"Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?"

A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. 

It read "Sell the damn motorcycle!"

************************************************************

Old Antonio, is really tight with his money, reckons he is going to take 

all his money with him when he dies.

Maria, his good wife of many years, protests profusely, 

"Antonio, you cannota take da money, what about me and da children?"

Antonio replies: "Screw you, its my money and I earned it!"

So duly on the day of Antonio's funeral, Maria and the kids are crying over pappas coffin, 

when one of the children speaks up: "Momma you didn't give pappa the money did you?"

Maria replied: "Yes I gave the dead tight fisted jerk his damn money, 

it's in a cheque, let's see him cash that!"


************************************************************

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs. 

A female crew member took the
box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, 

which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for 

the crabs staying frozen,
and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen 

if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom 

to the entire cabin,

'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'

Not one hand went up.

************************************************************

"Doc" said the young man lying down on the couch 

"You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream - 

I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes".

The psychiatrist nodded "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored "Please break my arms!"

************************************************************

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time 

"Would you like some Bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, 

and maybe some grapefruit juice and Coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. 

It's this Viagra" he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. 

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra" he says "really trashes my desire for food".

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? 

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry".

"Well" she says "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving".


************************************************************


The owner and bartender of a bar was so sure that he was the strongest man around,

 that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and 

then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, 

would win the money. Many people had tried over the years: weightlifters, truckers, footballers etc, 

but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little bloke came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. 

He sat down, ordered a pint of vodka, and started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice 

"I was just reading your sign and I'd like to try the bet".

After the laughter had died down the bartender said: "Okay..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it... 

then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little guy. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon... 

and six drops fell into the glass!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: 

"Do you mind if I ask what you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The little bloke quietly replied "I work for The Tax Department".


************************************************************

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." 

with that,she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered,

"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but boys will be boys !!

How do you kill a blue elephant ?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



How do you kill a pink elephant ?

Tie a pink rope around it's neck and choke it until it turns blue--
then you shoot it with your blue elephant gun

****************************************************************

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"
Student: "Homework"

****************************************************************

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof!

She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family.

Poof!

She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."


****************************************************************

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"


****************************************************************

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,

"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.

"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


****************************************************************

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door.

They ask, "Who is it?"

"It's the Blind man!" came the answer.

The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?"

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice boobs. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"     

****************************************************************

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate" he stated.

"Why yes" she replied "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church".

The pastor replied "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered "$10,000 a week".

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian" she answered".

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money" the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly "In Nevada.... he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno".

****************************************************************

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy....
Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...

      

An Australian, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis. The Iraq troop leader says "We're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request".
 
He says to the Welshman "What's your last request?" The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'".
 
"What about you?" he says to the Scotsman. "I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot.
 
"What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman. "I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.
 
Turning to the Australian, he says "And your last request?" The Aussie says "For f**ks sake mate, shoot me first!"