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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 12-13-2018

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - Roses - 12-13-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-14-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-14-2018

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.

To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands,

as he wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

*****************************************************


A Police officer stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.

He told the farmer "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now". The old timer said "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there". as he pointed out the location.

The cop verbally exploded saying " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.

"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish... On any land!

No questions asked! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologized, he continued working on his tractor.

A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"


***********************************************************


A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mum, who lived three hours away.

"Well, darling" said her Mum "How was your honeymoon?"

"It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time" said the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me... PLEASE!"

Then the bride began to sob over the phone. "PLEASE, mum come get me!" begged the bride. "But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what's troubling you" said her mum.

Still sobbing the bride said to her mother...
"Words like... DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!"


***********************************************************


A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game.

Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."

To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 12-14-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Roses - 12-14-2018

Hysterical willie!! Big Grin [Image: 614a9637fc91672be29a04bb2cbffdd4.jpg]
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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-14-2018

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant".

"Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again!"

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved".

"That's great" said the surgeon.

"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors".

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get aroused, I get a headache".

**************************************************


At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him".

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now" she announced in a quavering voice "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely".

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM".


****************************************************


The value of a Good Vocabulary: I called an old mate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment". I was very impressed. Upon further inquiry, I learned he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.


***************************************************


The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least" I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered".

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers... Wink


*****************************************************


Before Marriage...


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!


After marriage...Just read from bottom to top..

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 12-15-2018

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Roses - 12-15-2018

Those are all wonderful Ice...Really made me laugh. Big Grin [Image: 4e426653dce194744809c20ad2fefa2d.jpg]
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RE: Humorous Smilies - horsies - 12-15-2018

Hahahaha the cat "Pls respond" I didn't make it far down the page... glad I came through here today Smile I will have to return with some content later!