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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 09-20-2015

[Image: 15%2B-%2B1]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-20-2015

20 things you should never say to a cop when he pulls you over!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold
my beer.

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to
keep up with me, good job.

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical shape to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to
finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop. No donuts.

8. You're not going to check the trunk, are
you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on
cops?

11. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

12. I pay your salary

13. So uh, you on the take or what?

14. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning.

15. Do you know why you pulled me over?
Okay, just so one of us does.

16. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
know there is no other cars around, that's
how far they are ahead of me.

17. What do you mean have I been drinking?
You are the trained specialist.

18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my
bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and
got lodged between the brake and the gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

19. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing
compared to this 44 magnum.

20. Hey, can you give me another one of
those full cavity searches?

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 09-21-2015

[Image: no_paws_allowed.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-21-2015

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-21-2015

LOL ... That's it Harley!! Love it ...

RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 09-30-2015

[Image: 14799886060_f801d46d56_o.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 09-30-2015

Life imitating art.......

   

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 10-01-2015

Thank you all for the laughs…..that Nap Sack LOL, the chairs ….I am going to have to get with it here….

Grins

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 10-01-2015

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN IRISH STYLE
(A true Story from an Irish Sunday School
Teacher)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, tended the garden and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into
heaven?"

Again, the answer was NO!

"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered NO!

Well I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."

It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to
the eye, doesn't it?
And they say romance is dead

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided
one day that she'd send her husband a text
while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:
My love,
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of
guy, texted back:

I'm havin a sh!t. Please advise.

Isn't love just beautiful....
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the
urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I
noticed that the receptionist was a large
unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.

I gave her my name.

After checking the appointment calendar, in
a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?!"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an
equally loud voice replied,

"NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!!"

The room erupted in applause!
A man thing I guess?
[Image: man_habbits.jpg]

VW Testing Center
[Image: image.jpg]


WARNING!!

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Divorce?

[Image: DjAe5o6.jpg]


Magic Moments

[Image: VrSOu7K.jpg]
My Dog Food Diet ...

I have 2 dogs
My Dog Food Diet ...

I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of
Purina in Walmart and was standing in the line at the register.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically
everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy
who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the
hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food.

I told her no ...

It was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart
attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid people.........

Why else would I buy dog food??

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 10-01-2015

Ok I know.... But I've got some catchin up to do ... lol


Changing the ole Lightbulb?

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Q. How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

A1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

A2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

A3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

A4. Rottweiler:
Make me.

A5. Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

A6. Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

A7. German Shepherd:
I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

A8. Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

A9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.

A10. Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

A11. Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

A12. Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

A13. Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster...

A15. Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"


ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN...

[Image: YVhJcJ9.jpg]
Hey .... Is that the latest new I-Phone there?






[Image: DcqinaJ.jpg]
 
My eyes must be going 'cuz I can't really tell...
20 things you should never say to a cop when he pulls you over!


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar
detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical shape to be a police officer.

6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to
finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop. No donuts.

8. You're not going to check the trunk, are
you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

11. Is it true that people become cops
because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds?

12. I pay your salary

13. So uh, you on the take or what?

14. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning.

15. Do you know why you pulled me over?
Okay, just so one of us does.

16. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
know there is no other cars around, that's
how far they are ahead of me.

17. What do you mean have I been drinking?
You are the trained specialist?

18. Well, when I reached down to pick up my
bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and
got lodged between the brake and the gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

19. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing
compared to this 44 magnum.

20. Hey, can you give me another one of
those full cavity searches?