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+--- Thread: Humorous Smilies (/showthread.php?tid=319)
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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-15-2015
Cats vs Dogs
CAT ANALYSIS
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They’re totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They’re moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION:
Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.
DOG ANALYSIS
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION:
Dogs are tiny men in little fur coats.
Memory Problems?
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old
man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?",said the old lady
"Sure.",said the old man.
"Don't you think you should write it down so
you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it.",he said.
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to
forget it?",she says
He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain
you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it,
for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says,
"Where's my toast?"
(man can I relate....lol)
Two Caged Canaries
Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage.
Naturally, one was male and the other female.
After many months, the male decided to meet the female.
So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage.
This time he asked, "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first?"
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the
cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort.
He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I
have been so mean. You see I just learned I
have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies"
and I hear it is untweetable."
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 09-16-2015
They said it couldn't be done..........wrong!
RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 09-17-2015
![[Image: 15%2B-%2B1]](https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-1uqQE7NRhd4/VPf79YPMwrI/AAAAAAAAEZc/h8-Gzu6i3DM/w640-h631-no/15%2B-%2B1)
RE: Humorous Smilies - willie33 - 09-17-2015
![[Image: 14312279272_e97d8c3663_o.jpg]](https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3719/14312279272_e97d8c3663_o.jpg)
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 09-17-2015
(09-17-2015, 11:19 AM)willie33 Wrote:
That's funny!
A little off color.......but very clever!
Don’t mess with old women J
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you the luck of the Irish.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. Â The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. Â The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. Â Â Â Â Â Â
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. Â The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 09-17-2015
i never saw that coming, as it were.
usually, i am forced to jump ahead and solve the joke.
but, thought this was going another way.
so, really well done, popster.
but, the fact is, that a woman can use so many ruses to get a man to drop his drawers. its a man thing i believe.
never even heard anything similar to this. so, u r a master of jokes, popster. and, yet u still have time to train that womens' nude volleyball team underwater. Or was just the tap shoes underwater? hmmmm.
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-18-2015
Ahhhh Haaaaaa.... I LIKE THAT ONE!!....
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-19-2015
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, sisters."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue. A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two older sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today.."
"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.
As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today."
"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong sideof the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker and faced Mother Superior.
"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."
An avid golfer was in a car accident and lost his arm.
He was taken to hospital and just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, there is just one problem" said the golfer.
"Every time I get an erection I also get a splitting headache!!"
RE: Humorous Smilies - celticbhoy - 09-19-2015
(09-19-2015, 07:30 PM)Kittycat Wrote: https://instagram.com/p/7x8ODPAJ51/
geeZ a kiss pmsl nice1
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-19-2015
National Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Arkansas.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said...
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination-Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the
redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited...
Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won, hands down!