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Humorous Smilies - Printable Version

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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-09-2015

New British Warships?

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health and safety and human rights laws.

The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime.

All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.

Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18.
(The lash will still be available on request.)

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. (This applies equally to female crew.)

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non- specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities.

The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull.

She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England’s south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from Brussels."

His final words were,
"Britannia waives the rules."

Coming to a navy near you!

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 09-10-2015

Thanks for the laughs, Ice

============

[Image: tumblr_n3ugn2b8DW1qk08n1o1_500.gif]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-11-2015

A crusty old biker from Houston out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors,
he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00
MEAT PIE : $2.25
BACON and EGG PIE : $2.50
BURGER WITH THE WORKS : $3.50
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up
to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
attractive female barmaid who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old
biker.

"Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing
smile, "may I help you?"

The old biker leans over the bar, "I was
wondering young lady," he whispers, "Are
you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile
and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I am".

The old biker leans closer and into her left
ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands
real good, cause I want a Meat Pie!"

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-11-2015

If Noah Lived Now

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Oregon and said:

"Once again, the earth has become evil and
I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and
saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the
rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "But things
have changed."

"I needed a Building Permit."
"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector About the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated
the Neighborhood By-Laws by building the
Ark in my back garden and exceeding the
height limitations. We had to go to the Local
Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the Local Council and the Electric
Company demanded a boat load of money
for the future costs of moving power lines
and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order
to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl. I
tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the
ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I
was confining wild animals against their will.
They argued the accommodations were too
restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency
ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the Visa status of
most of the people who want to work."

"The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal
Revenue Service seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country
illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began
to shine, and a rainbow stretched across
the sky."

[Image: dJ14qx8.jpg]

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the
world?"


"No," said the Lord.

"The Government beat me to it."

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 09-12-2015

[Image: 20150910_194319.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - Charon - 09-12-2015

i like it, Ice.

and, linville, i have seen that page. maybe in legal documents. possibly in academic books.

what a waste of paper to have to tell us that. (save the trees, please.)

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-12-2015

The Wizard

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is Short.

Smile while you still have teeth.

Give me an Amen, Brother!
[b]Best Friends[/>]

[Image: KET9fzg.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-13-2015

Why I Love Nurses

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

"Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 09-13-2015

Ha ha , I was talking about needing to get extra sleep….


[Image: 10352279_10152206468737338_8613067423268553102_n.jpg]

RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 09-13-2015

I better start off about 12/12 then ...lol
Two Little Snakes

Two little snakes were hissing near their pit.

The mother snake came out and said,
''What are you doing hissing near our pit. If you want to hiss go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss.

The two little snakes went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss.

Mrs. Potts came out and said,
''Hey you two little snakes, what are you doing hissing near my pit? If you want to hiss,
go back over to your own pit and hiss!''

The two little snakes went back to their own pit to hiss.

Their mother came out and said,
''What are you doing hissing near our pit? I thought I told you to go over to Mrs. Pott's house to hiss."

They said,
"Mrs. Potts said if we wanted to hiss we had to
go back to our own pit to hiss."

The mother snake said,
''Well, I knew Mrs. Potts before she had a
pit to hiss in.''