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+--- Thread: Humorous Smilies (/showthread.php?tid=319)
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RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 08-17-2015
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please
go shopping for me and buy one carton of
milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back
with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
(If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going
back to read it again! Men will get it the first
time.)
Water in the carburetor...
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has
water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's
ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the
carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a
carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the
car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC
Probably one of the most worrysome in recent years...
25% of the women in this country are on
medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
The Phone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful
blonde wife something nice for their first
wedding anniversary.
So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new
phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one
thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at the supermarket?"
HE MUST PAY...
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up
her mom and said, "He fought with me
again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his
mistake. I am coming to live with you!!"
Ok... Let's see if I can pull this one off ..
![[Image: gKcR5qz.jpg]](http://www.i.imgur.com/gKcR5qz.jpg)
![[Image: fnNZJqt.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/fnNZJqt.jpg)
![[Image: KAvZ1Mn.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/KAvZ1Mn.jpg)
![[Image: Evb0LgO.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/Evb0LgO.jpg)
![[Image: 98cVLqH.png]](http://i.imgur.com/98cVLqH.png)
![[Image: NaXaJv7.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/NaXaJv7.jpg)
![[Image: 2rEgDVo.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/2rEgDVo.jpg)
![[Image: O5N8UQJ.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/O5N8UQJ.jpg)
RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 08-17-2015
What a run of great jokes IceWizard.
A great way to spend my lunchtime reading these funnies.....OMG some of them are really really good.
Thank you for the laughs!
RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 08-17-2015
![[Image: IMG_0456.JPG]](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-nuzl99_mQzw/VYGZZnl6jwI/AAAAAAAAKP8/Mig8HRHw5cU/w438-h643-no/IMG_0456.JPG)
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 08-17-2015
LOL .... Ain't it the beautiful truth!... Now that's funny ...
You know I just like the way it octopus ...
RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 08-18-2015
Oh you got me on that , IceWizard……. Hah ha
You are, steady as she goes, in good humor…..A good thing. IMO
=================
![[Image: 15%2B-%2B1]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-v9WK-bPxsRc/VdJVvL7yZfI/AAAAAAABGNo/kWzSfWaiewA/w426-h328/15%2B-%2B1)
![[Image: 22bd2a5d-eb61-497f-95af-d1a9034b5952]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-zKfPSiJ9Hww/VdJLfj0GM5I/AAAAAAABeWE/R0jibE94J04/w426-h463/22bd2a5d-eb61-497f-95af-d1a9034b5952)
RE: Humorous Smilies - Popster - 08-18-2015
.........a little vent.....this message applies to few drivers I saw today.
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 08-18-2015
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get
tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back.
He turned and gave the man a stern look, and
the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?"
"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
" Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot
back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me
screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
***************
Instructions we could really do without!!
ON TESCOS TIRIMISU DESSERT
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS
ON MARKS
ON MARKS and SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH
MEDICINE
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEPING AID)
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
Warning: keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE
CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON THE INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL FOR A
CANON CAMERA (circa 1966)
Do not rattle playfully at the shutter button.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF
NUTS
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER AT HOME
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN
A BOX
Fits one head.
ON A PACKET OF SUN-MAID RAISINS
Why not try tossing over your favorite
breakfast cereal?
ON A HAIRDRYER
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS
You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. (Details inside.)
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his
parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper.
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and
water could get them."
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the
food anyway and started eating. It was
really delicious and he said so, despite the
dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the
dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here,
Soap! Here, Water!"
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 08-18-2015
Adam was walking around the Garden of
Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked
Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."
God said, "Then I will give you a companion,
and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed.
She will never question your behavior or the
company you keep.
She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman
cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg..."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
![[Image: PxseQKo.jpg]](http://i.imgur.com/PxseQKo.jpg)
RE: Humorous Smilies - Linville - 08-18-2015
LOL........IceWizard
RE: Humorous Smilies - IceWizard - 08-18-2015
The Dentist
A Stockbroker walks into the dentist and asks for a quote for getting a tooth pulled out.
"Well", said the dentist, "That depends on the
level of service. If you want to go private we
can give you the very best and latest in
dental treatment. We get an anesthetist in
from the local hospital, and I get two very
skilled, and pretty, dental nurses to help out. Guaranteed no pain, no blood."
"Sounds good", said the man, "How much?"
"$200 per tooth.",said the dentist
"Thats extortionate!", said the man.
"Well", said the dentist, "We can give you
standard NHS treatment. I do the
anaesthetic myself no nurses. You get a
little bit of pain and a little bit of blood, but itll
only cost you $20."
"No, thats still too high. Can you not do it a
bit cheaper?", asked the man.
"Tell you what," said the dentist, getting
angry, "I could get a pair of pliers from the hardware store and do a old school extraction for you. No anaesthetic. Guaranteed very painful lots of blood. Your mouth will hurt for three months and you'll struggle to talk for at least two. Id do it for $5 and take great pleasure in it!!"
OK, you got yourself a deal, book my wife in
for next Tuesday!