08-13-2021, 12:33 AM
GHOSTING: Ghosting, also known as simmering or icing, is a colloquial term which describes the practice of ending all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communication made by said person.
Many like the meme, "When the pandemic is over, I still want a lot of you to go away." Feel that problems in re: masks being worn and no masks. Revealing when a person is covid positive BEFORE one brings them home to visit. Some refusing to do quarantine although the others in family have potential serious side effects. Whatever the heck many of you shared at beginning of 2020, is now maybe not so relevant.
So, little by little you make your life very separate. GHOSTING.
The Terms of Noncommitment: Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, More
Disappearing acts and being strung along in careers and relationships.
Posted May 17, 2021 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
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KEY POINTS
Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and other noncommittal behaviors are increasingly normalized. Job seekers and employers are both affected.
Being ghosted is often a reason for initiating an act of ghosting on someone else. The rationale: Everybody does it.
Ghosting, breadcrumbing, submarining, and orbiting are new terms in our lexicon of noncommittal behaviors.
Liza Summers/Pexels
Source: Liza Summers/Pexels
Have you been the recipient of one too many disappearing acts, no-shows, or mysteriously broken commitments? Ghosting, defined by Merriam Webster as “to suddenly cut off all contact with someone,” now seems to happen shamelessly in our close relationships as well as careers.
In 2020 and beyond, I was encountering my own share of being ghosted and hearing from fellow “ghostees” who lamented similar disheartening experiences, adding to their long list of pandemic uncertainties.
“They left me high and dry! Not a single word. Not even a simple ‘thank you.’ This crappy treatment seems to be happening everywhere!” “I should stop thinking it’s only happening to me—right?”
Ghosting is truly on the rise with employers as well as job seekers, a two-way street, even during the pandemic. Indeed.com published an alarming report in February 2021 stating that 77% of job seekers have been ghosted by a prospective employer, yet 76% of employers have been ghosted by a candidate or new hire who no-showed.
And, in the world of dating, though there may have been a temporary dip in ghostings during the first months of the pandemic, a recent study indicated that those who have been ghosted are likely to initiate ghosting on someone else. It appears that the normalization of ghosting in one area of life (career/business) affects how we treat our other relationships. (Perhaps what goes around does come around?)
In reading more studies, I’ve learned that the disrespectful act of ghosting has a few close cousins in the new lexicon of noncommittal human behaviors. I’ve discovered three related terms: breadcrumbing, submarining, and orbiting. These names perfectly illustrate the transactional behaviors that seem to be escalating, especially on social media. With one-click solutions, we can rid ourselves of anyone we no longer need or like without any explanation, closure, or accountability. Who needs a conscience with tools like these?
Here are my definitions for three other terms that may be useful for the (expanding) language of noncommitment:
Breadcrumbing: When someone appears to engage with you by leaving a trail of breadcrumbs (little tidbits) but never really commits to anything solid or specific (sharing a decent slice of their loaf). We often call this pattern “stringing someone along” or “keeping options open.”
Submarining: Without notice, someone vanishes into a long period of noncommunication (such as going off the radar or diving deep into the void) and then suddenly resurfaces and reaches out again, as if nothing has happened.
Orbiting: Circling around someone online, following with likes, making your presence known but never really making serious contact. As an orbiter, your intentions may be good as well as not-so-helpful. But certainly, you are never reachable when that person you are orbiting tries to contact you with a phone call or real-life encounter. In short, you are playing “hard to pin down” but easy to be seen everywhere. Indeed, ghosters often end up being orbiters, keeping an eye on you.
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Bottom line: These transactional behaviors are fast becoming normalized as ways to treat one another as expendable commodities. Even though we’re supposed to believe that “not taking it personally” is the cure for all manner of disrespectful human deeds, the truth is this: It does hurt on some level because, as humans, we are hardwired for it to hurt. We might rise above it, wear the big pants, dust ourselves off, and move on, but a ghosting by someone who was once close to us can still haunt us at 3 a.m. in a bad dream. Humans are biologically invested in forming relationships and not meant to be cut off suddenly or left hanging in oblivion. Up until smartphones and social media, people didn’t just disappear quite like that, and they were more likely to be shamed if they did run away, pull a no-show, or drop out without a decent explanation.
How ghosting, breadcrumbing, orbiting, and submarining can hurt us
There is real physical pain when we are ghosted, shunned, flat-out rejected, or just left hanging: Physical and emotional pain are quite the same in our brains, according to MRI studies reported by the APA since the early 2000s.
Confusion, lack of closure, or no resolution can trigger self-doubt: Hanging in limbo, we don’t know what to do or how to respond. Left in this murkiness, our inner demons (or inner critics) have the opportunity to run amok in the shadows of our headspace. Given the uncertainty of the pandemic, we may already have felt lost or unsure of ourselves. Those of us who battle PTSD, depression, or social anxiety may be even more haunted by these inner voices piling on after someone has ghosted or breadcrumbed us. In short, without closure and clarity, we might default to finding something to blame in ourselves.
Increase in a sense of loneliness and isolation: A year’s worth of ghostings, breadcrumbings, or submarinings can leave us feeling disconnected, isolated, and discouraged from trying to meet new people. Because these feelings can be difficult to share with others, we might hide our loneliness and put a fence around ourselves. Staying home with Netflix, a cat on our lap, and a bowl of ice cream can be a lot more satisfying than putting yourself “out there.”
We may actually be going through grief. This could be disenfranchised grief, a term coined by grief researcher Kenneth Doka, Ph.D., in his book in 1989, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow.
True grief reactions can develop on many levels and it’s not just a matter of “getting over it.” You may be suffering through your own individual stages of grieving with a messy mix of shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, or breakthrough periods of acceptance. No one goes through these stages in any particular order, but you might recognize your feelings as a legitimate grief response to a significant loss.
Here are some losses you might be grieving, in relationships as well as in your career:
Loss of trust: You feel betrayed, manipulated, or misled. You are grieving the loss of trustworthiness in that person or group.
Loss of hope in the decency of people: You rationalize that you must lower your expectations for future encounters. Or worse, you write off most human beings as selfish, flaky, mean, or some other not-so-kind attributes.
Loss of initiative: Alongside a lack of hopefulness, you just don’t want to try so hard anymore to do the right thing. Why bother to reach out to others? Why be so thoughtful and considerate in your correspondence?
Loss of a relationship. Whether you have bonded with a dynamic business partner, or treasured a long friendship, or feel jazzed by a new romance, any erratic behavior that forces a loss makes grieving particularly difficult.
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What Helps
Acknowledge and name what has happened. First of all, call it out and give it a name: Did you recently get ghosted, breadcrumbed, submarined, or orbited? We can also honestly name our responses (such as grief, bitterness, fear). We can express our raw reactions in a journal or an art form, or share our story with a trusted friend. It can be helpful to ask someone to give you a reality check or to hear their condemnation of the rude behavior you have encountered.
See the bigger picture and learn how to spot these problematic behaviors in your personal and professional circles—because, as you know, it’s not about you. It helps to learn more about these societal habits and unhealthy social media trends, clearly identifying unethical behaviors and examining how to avoid work cultures or dating cultures where these behaviors run rampant.
Aim to uphold your integrity and moral character (even though “everybody’s doing it”). Declare your intentions to continue to be decent, fair, and considerate in your interactions. No need to lower your own standards just because so many others don’t care. You can claim your integrity because you didn’t allow yourself to cave or flake or be a jerk under pressure.
Prioritize your mental health. If this experience continues to haunt you or has triggered too much, an honest talk with someone you trust or psychotherapy can help. Set aside time to discuss ways to prevent further hurt from ghosting and similar behaviors.
In conclusion, Amy Jussel, founder of Shaping Youth, sums it all up with this question: “Do we really want to treat each other like devices to be tossed like a spent burner phone?”
Certainly not. Let’s stand up against the normalization of treating people badly.
Facebook image: Pumidol/Shutterstock
*************************************************************
The dating landscape is constantly changing, thanks to texting, apps, and other technologies that are transforming the way we connect with people. Unfortunately, that also means that there’s constantly new terminology to wrap your head around. The term “ghosting,” for example, emerged in the mid-2000s — and while you’ve likely at least heard of ghosting by now (or been a victim of this horrendously rude trend), there are lots of other dating trends to know in 2020. What is benching? What does breadcrumbing mean? And what’s the difference between catfishing and kittenfishing? Fret not — I’m about to clear all of that up.
You may very well know the definition of ghosting by now, but just in case, here’s a refresher: this term describes when someone you were dating suddenly ends all contact with you with no warning whatsoever. They stop calling, they don’t respond to your texts, and you’re left scratching your head over what went wrong (and with zero closure). A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that about 25% of American adults have been ghosted, and 20% admit to having ghosted someone else.
That’s not the only trend to be aware of, however. So, in the interest of getting you up to speed, here’s a handy little dating dictionary, with thorough definitions of all the must-know slang terms.
Zumping
There’s no denying that the coronavirus pandemic totally transformed the dating experience — and with that came the rise of Zoom, a videoconferencing app. Unfortunately, not only are people now planning dates on Zoom, they’re also breaking up with people on this platform. If someone ends your relationship over Zoom, you’ve been “zumped.” It may feel awkward (and downright cruel), but many believe this is the next best thing to breaking up in person since you can at least see each other’s faces (as opposed to on a phone call, where you’re missing all of those key emotional cues). And thanks to the CDC’s social distancing guidelines, zumping is sometimes the only option.
Fleabagging
If you’re wondering what “fleabagging” is, I wrote a whole blog on it. The gist is this: It’s continually dating people who are all wrong for you. People usually end up fleabagging because they’re lonely (and thus settling for someone they’re not compatible with), have a deep-rooted “type” that doesn’t ultimately serve them well, or have unrealistic standards. If you’re trapped in this cycle of dating people who don’t actually meet your needs or desires, know this: Fleabagging is super common. In fact, a 2019 PlentyOfFish survey revealed that half of all singles have done this (and interestingly, more women are guilty of this trend than men).
Benching
You’ve been dating someone new for a month or two, and things are going swimmingly — but you get this nagging feeling like it’s not going anywhere. What gives? One reason why your relationship may not be progressing is that you’re being “benched.” Benching refers to when someone only texts and plans dates just often enough to maintain the status quo but is also keeping their options open. They like you, but they’re not fully sure if they’re ready to commit or if you have long-term potential. The term comes from sports, as in when a player has to remain on the bench until the coach calls them out.
Breadcrumbing
Just as the name of this term implies, “breadcrumbing” refers to stringing someone along. They might leave a “like” on your latest Instagram post or send a sporadic flirty text. But the reality is that those little breadcrumbs they leave you to spike your interest are probably all you’re going to get. Why? Because when someone breadcrumbs you, they’re typically either just trying to get a quick dose of validation, or they like the power trip of knowing they’re keeping you on the hook.
Catch and Release
Some people just love the thrill of the chase — and once that’s over, they lose interest immediately. They reel you in, and once they’ve proven they can catch you, they release you back into the wild. If you’ve ever hooked up or gone out with someone, only to have them vanish into thin air afterwards, you may very well have experienced this obnoxious and immature dating phenomenon. Remember: a person who practices catch and release does not have any intention of actually dating you, and they never did — it’s all a game to them.
Catfishing
Online dating comes with all kinds of inherent risks — one of which is being catfished. Essentially, this refers to when someone creates a fake profile to fraudulently lure you in. The term can be traced back to the investigative MTV series Catfish (and the 2010 documentary of the same name) that follows couples who started building relationships online but have never met in person.
Cushioning
You know when you start to sense that a breakup is fast approaching? Well, some people will try to “cushion” the blow of that impending split by talking to and even flirting with other people just as their current relationship starts going downhill. That way, they already have someone else lined up once they become single again. (This could definitely be considered “microcheating” — but more on that term later.)
DTR
This common acronym stands for “defining the relationship” (otherwise known as “the talk.”) In other words, it’s that anxiety-inducing yet necessary convo most couples must have in order to figure out where they stand (strictly hooking up? Casual but exclusive? Boyfriend and girlfriend?) and where their relationship is going.
FWB
Another popular acronym, which stands for “friends with benefits.” It’s a casual relationship that’s usually centered around sex with no strings attached.
Gatsbying AKA Instagrandstanding
If you’ve ever used Instagram to try and capture the attention of someone you like, you may be guilty of this one. “Gatsbying,” also known as “Instagrandstanding,” refers to curating the perfect post that will ideally get your crush to take notice, “like” it, and maybe even feel inspired to DM or text you. It’s named after the main character from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic novel — as Gatsby would often throw lavish parties solely for the purpose of impressing Daisy.
Haunting AKA Zombieing
Ugh, is there anything worse than an ex who texts you out of the blue just after you finally got over them? When someone is “haunting” or “zombieing” you, they probably ghosted you before and are not essentially coming back from the dead with no warning whatsoever. These terms can also refer to when someone starts suddenly interacting with your social media posts without actually getting in touch with you.
Kittenfishing
Think of this as a slightly more innocent form of catfishing. Someone who’s “kittenfishing” you won’t create an entirely fake online persona, but they also won’t be entirely honest about who they are, either. Maybe they lie about their job, exaggerate a lot about their lifestyle, or only include photos of themselves from 10 years ago. Regardless, it’s a huge bummer when you finally meet up with them IRL and realize that they portrayed themselves inaccurately in order to win you over.
Marleying
When a former flame gets in touch with you (or straight-up tries to get back together with you) right around the holidays, that’s called “marleying.” The term is named after A Christmas Carol’s Jacob Marley who comes back to haunt Ebenezer Scrooge close to Christmas. People who engage in marleying are often just feeling lonely (or looking for a date to the zillion holiday parties they have coming up).
Microcheating
Social media and smartphones in general have definitely complicated the concept of fidelity. Is it OK to “like” or comment on a hot Instagram model’s photos if you’re in a relationship? What about exchanging potentially flirty DMs or texts with a coworker? All of these examples might be considered “microcheating.” While regular ol’ cheating means physically hooking up with someone else, these acts usually entail making a different kind of connection with other people behind your partner’s back. Only you and your partner can decide what constitutes microcheating — you may be fine with the fact that they follow supermodels on IG as long as they don’t message or interact with them, or you may consider that being unfaithful. The point is, just because microcheating doesn’t involve sleeping with someone else doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful.
Orbiting
This term is often used interchangeably with haunting and zombieing. While they do largely mean the same thing, haunting and zombieing can entail a former love interest actually getting in touch with you, whereas “orbiting” usually means they’re just lingering on your social media feeds. They won’t text you back, but they’ll retweet your latest meme, watch your Instagram Story or “like” your Facebook post. Basically, they want you to know they’re keeping tabs on you but they probably have no intention of actually dating you again, so they just creep on you from afar. This term was originally coined by Man Repeller writer Anna Iovine, who described it as being “close enough to see each other; far enough to never talk.” According to Iovine, there are a few main reasons why someone might orbit you: it makes them feel like they’re in control, they don’t know what they want, or they want to keep the door open in case you both find yourselves single and want to hook up or hang out again.
Roaching
It’s one thing to mutually decide on keeping things casual with someone so you can both date around. It’s another thing to deliberately hide the fact that you’ve been seeing other people behind your new partner’s back, even when monogamy is implied. The latter refers to “roaching.” The worst part? When you find out and confront them about it, they usually claim they didn’t know you had an understanding to be exclusive.
Sidebarring AKA Phubbing
When it seems like your date is more interested in checking their texts, social media notifications, emails, etc. than getting to know you — they’re “sidebarring” or “phubbing” (as in phone snubbing) you. Yes, it’s rude, and yes you can call them out on it. When you’re on a date, you should always take priority over what’s happening on their phone, unless there’s some kind of emergency.
Situationship
There’s a bizarre sort of limbo that lots of people find themselves in — a pseudo-relationship based around convenience without the serious commitment or labels. This is not to be confused with FWB, which is distinctly casual. In a “situationship,” you might go on actual dates and even form a deep, emotional connection (in addition to having sex) but you never officially DTR. Some of the hallmarks of a situationship are only making last-minute or short-term plans, not hanging out consistently, and rarely or never talking about the future.
Slow-fading
Whereas ghosting entails just dropping off the face of the earth, the slow fade is a more gradual process. If someone is doing this to you, they’ll probably just start contacting you and responding to you less and less frequently, until they’ve eventually disappeared altogether. It seems like it might be a kinder form of ghosting, but actually, it just drags out the agony of the inevitable.
Stashing
Ever dated someone who avoided introducing you to family and friends and never mentioned you on social media? They might be “stashing” you — in other words, hiding you away, which can leave you wondering WTF is going on (are they ashamed of you?). There are several reasons why people resort to stashing. For example, they might be seeing multiple people (and they’re less likely to be found out if they keep you a secret). Or, they may simply have been burned before, and are compartmentalizing you until they’re certain there’s a future so as not to get hurt.
Submarining
When someone you were romantically involved with ghosts or slow fades you, then randomly resurfaces with no apology and pretending as if nothing happened, that’s called “submarining.” I’m a firm believer that people need to take responsibility for their actions — and this behavior is not just insulting, it can also be downright manipulative.
Textlationship
Does it feel like your relationship doesn’t even exist outside of your text conversations? If so, you’re probably in a “textlationship.” I always say you can’t really get to know someone until you’re face to face, so be careful of falling too hard for someone who has yet to make plans with you IRL. A textlationship may feel convenient in the fast-paced 21st century, but it’s severely limiting. And keep in mind that if someone is down to text you around the clock but refuses to make plans, they may just be breadcrumbing you and have no intentions of starting a real relationship.
Zumping
There’s no denying that the coronavirus pandemic totally transformed the dating experience — and with that came the rise of Zoom, a videoconferencing app. Unfortunately, not only are people now planning dates on Zoom, they’re also breaking up with people on this platform. If someone ends your relationship over Zoom, you’ve been “zumped.” It may feel awkward (and downright cruel), but many believe this is the next best thing to breaking up in person since you can at least see each other’s faces (as opposed to on a phone call, where you’re missing all of those key emotional cues). And thanks to the CDC’s social distancing guidelines, zumping is sometimes the only option.
If your head is spinning from all this terminology, don’t stress — you can always turn to matchmaking as a way to get a grip on these ever-changing trends. Not only can I get you up to speed on all the latest slang terms, but I can also help you to understand how they play a role in your own love life as well as offer advice on how to deal with them. Because let’s face it: Knowledge is power, and that’s definitely true when it comes to dating.
Many like the meme, "When the pandemic is over, I still want a lot of you to go away." Feel that problems in re: masks being worn and no masks. Revealing when a person is covid positive BEFORE one brings them home to visit. Some refusing to do quarantine although the others in family have potential serious side effects. Whatever the heck many of you shared at beginning of 2020, is now maybe not so relevant.
So, little by little you make your life very separate. GHOSTING.
The Terms of Noncommitment: Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, More
Disappearing acts and being strung along in careers and relationships.
Posted May 17, 2021 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Share on FacebookShare
Share on TwitterTweet
Share via EmailEmail
KEY POINTS
Ghosting, breadcrumbing, and other noncommittal behaviors are increasingly normalized. Job seekers and employers are both affected.
Being ghosted is often a reason for initiating an act of ghosting on someone else. The rationale: Everybody does it.
Ghosting, breadcrumbing, submarining, and orbiting are new terms in our lexicon of noncommittal behaviors.
Liza Summers/Pexels
Source: Liza Summers/Pexels
Have you been the recipient of one too many disappearing acts, no-shows, or mysteriously broken commitments? Ghosting, defined by Merriam Webster as “to suddenly cut off all contact with someone,” now seems to happen shamelessly in our close relationships as well as careers.
In 2020 and beyond, I was encountering my own share of being ghosted and hearing from fellow “ghostees” who lamented similar disheartening experiences, adding to their long list of pandemic uncertainties.
“They left me high and dry! Not a single word. Not even a simple ‘thank you.’ This crappy treatment seems to be happening everywhere!” “I should stop thinking it’s only happening to me—right?”
Ghosting is truly on the rise with employers as well as job seekers, a two-way street, even during the pandemic. Indeed.com published an alarming report in February 2021 stating that 77% of job seekers have been ghosted by a prospective employer, yet 76% of employers have been ghosted by a candidate or new hire who no-showed.
And, in the world of dating, though there may have been a temporary dip in ghostings during the first months of the pandemic, a recent study indicated that those who have been ghosted are likely to initiate ghosting on someone else. It appears that the normalization of ghosting in one area of life (career/business) affects how we treat our other relationships. (Perhaps what goes around does come around?)
In reading more studies, I’ve learned that the disrespectful act of ghosting has a few close cousins in the new lexicon of noncommittal human behaviors. I’ve discovered three related terms: breadcrumbing, submarining, and orbiting. These names perfectly illustrate the transactional behaviors that seem to be escalating, especially on social media. With one-click solutions, we can rid ourselves of anyone we no longer need or like without any explanation, closure, or accountability. Who needs a conscience with tools like these?
Here are my definitions for three other terms that may be useful for the (expanding) language of noncommitment:
Breadcrumbing: When someone appears to engage with you by leaving a trail of breadcrumbs (little tidbits) but never really commits to anything solid or specific (sharing a decent slice of their loaf). We often call this pattern “stringing someone along” or “keeping options open.”
Submarining: Without notice, someone vanishes into a long period of noncommunication (such as going off the radar or diving deep into the void) and then suddenly resurfaces and reaches out again, as if nothing has happened.
Orbiting: Circling around someone online, following with likes, making your presence known but never really making serious contact. As an orbiter, your intentions may be good as well as not-so-helpful. But certainly, you are never reachable when that person you are orbiting tries to contact you with a phone call or real-life encounter. In short, you are playing “hard to pin down” but easy to be seen everywhere. Indeed, ghosters often end up being orbiters, keeping an eye on you.
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Bottom line: These transactional behaviors are fast becoming normalized as ways to treat one another as expendable commodities. Even though we’re supposed to believe that “not taking it personally” is the cure for all manner of disrespectful human deeds, the truth is this: It does hurt on some level because, as humans, we are hardwired for it to hurt. We might rise above it, wear the big pants, dust ourselves off, and move on, but a ghosting by someone who was once close to us can still haunt us at 3 a.m. in a bad dream. Humans are biologically invested in forming relationships and not meant to be cut off suddenly or left hanging in oblivion. Up until smartphones and social media, people didn’t just disappear quite like that, and they were more likely to be shamed if they did run away, pull a no-show, or drop out without a decent explanation.
How ghosting, breadcrumbing, orbiting, and submarining can hurt us
There is real physical pain when we are ghosted, shunned, flat-out rejected, or just left hanging: Physical and emotional pain are quite the same in our brains, according to MRI studies reported by the APA since the early 2000s.
Confusion, lack of closure, or no resolution can trigger self-doubt: Hanging in limbo, we don’t know what to do or how to respond. Left in this murkiness, our inner demons (or inner critics) have the opportunity to run amok in the shadows of our headspace. Given the uncertainty of the pandemic, we may already have felt lost or unsure of ourselves. Those of us who battle PTSD, depression, or social anxiety may be even more haunted by these inner voices piling on after someone has ghosted or breadcrumbed us. In short, without closure and clarity, we might default to finding something to blame in ourselves.
Increase in a sense of loneliness and isolation: A year’s worth of ghostings, breadcrumbings, or submarinings can leave us feeling disconnected, isolated, and discouraged from trying to meet new people. Because these feelings can be difficult to share with others, we might hide our loneliness and put a fence around ourselves. Staying home with Netflix, a cat on our lap, and a bowl of ice cream can be a lot more satisfying than putting yourself “out there.”
We may actually be going through grief. This could be disenfranchised grief, a term coined by grief researcher Kenneth Doka, Ph.D., in his book in 1989, Disenfranchised Grief: Recognizing Hidden Sorrow.
True grief reactions can develop on many levels and it’s not just a matter of “getting over it.” You may be suffering through your own individual stages of grieving with a messy mix of shock, anger, bargaining, sadness, or breakthrough periods of acceptance. No one goes through these stages in any particular order, but you might recognize your feelings as a legitimate grief response to a significant loss.
Here are some losses you might be grieving, in relationships as well as in your career:
Loss of trust: You feel betrayed, manipulated, or misled. You are grieving the loss of trustworthiness in that person or group.
Loss of hope in the decency of people: You rationalize that you must lower your expectations for future encounters. Or worse, you write off most human beings as selfish, flaky, mean, or some other not-so-kind attributes.
Loss of initiative: Alongside a lack of hopefulness, you just don’t want to try so hard anymore to do the right thing. Why bother to reach out to others? Why be so thoughtful and considerate in your correspondence?
Loss of a relationship. Whether you have bonded with a dynamic business partner, or treasured a long friendship, or feel jazzed by a new romance, any erratic behavior that forces a loss makes grieving particularly difficult.
article continues after advertisement
What Helps
Acknowledge and name what has happened. First of all, call it out and give it a name: Did you recently get ghosted, breadcrumbed, submarined, or orbited? We can also honestly name our responses (such as grief, bitterness, fear). We can express our raw reactions in a journal or an art form, or share our story with a trusted friend. It can be helpful to ask someone to give you a reality check or to hear their condemnation of the rude behavior you have encountered.
See the bigger picture and learn how to spot these problematic behaviors in your personal and professional circles—because, as you know, it’s not about you. It helps to learn more about these societal habits and unhealthy social media trends, clearly identifying unethical behaviors and examining how to avoid work cultures or dating cultures where these behaviors run rampant.
Aim to uphold your integrity and moral character (even though “everybody’s doing it”). Declare your intentions to continue to be decent, fair, and considerate in your interactions. No need to lower your own standards just because so many others don’t care. You can claim your integrity because you didn’t allow yourself to cave or flake or be a jerk under pressure.
Prioritize your mental health. If this experience continues to haunt you or has triggered too much, an honest talk with someone you trust or psychotherapy can help. Set aside time to discuss ways to prevent further hurt from ghosting and similar behaviors.
In conclusion, Amy Jussel, founder of Shaping Youth, sums it all up with this question: “Do we really want to treat each other like devices to be tossed like a spent burner phone?”
Certainly not. Let’s stand up against the normalization of treating people badly.
Facebook image: Pumidol/Shutterstock
*************************************************************
The dating landscape is constantly changing, thanks to texting, apps, and other technologies that are transforming the way we connect with people. Unfortunately, that also means that there’s constantly new terminology to wrap your head around. The term “ghosting,” for example, emerged in the mid-2000s — and while you’ve likely at least heard of ghosting by now (or been a victim of this horrendously rude trend), there are lots of other dating trends to know in 2020. What is benching? What does breadcrumbing mean? And what’s the difference between catfishing and kittenfishing? Fret not — I’m about to clear all of that up.
You may very well know the definition of ghosting by now, but just in case, here’s a refresher: this term describes when someone you were dating suddenly ends all contact with you with no warning whatsoever. They stop calling, they don’t respond to your texts, and you’re left scratching your head over what went wrong (and with zero closure). A 2018 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that about 25% of American adults have been ghosted, and 20% admit to having ghosted someone else.
That’s not the only trend to be aware of, however. So, in the interest of getting you up to speed, here’s a handy little dating dictionary, with thorough definitions of all the must-know slang terms.
Zumping
There’s no denying that the coronavirus pandemic totally transformed the dating experience — and with that came the rise of Zoom, a videoconferencing app. Unfortunately, not only are people now planning dates on Zoom, they’re also breaking up with people on this platform. If someone ends your relationship over Zoom, you’ve been “zumped.” It may feel awkward (and downright cruel), but many believe this is the next best thing to breaking up in person since you can at least see each other’s faces (as opposed to on a phone call, where you’re missing all of those key emotional cues). And thanks to the CDC’s social distancing guidelines, zumping is sometimes the only option.
Fleabagging
If you’re wondering what “fleabagging” is, I wrote a whole blog on it. The gist is this: It’s continually dating people who are all wrong for you. People usually end up fleabagging because they’re lonely (and thus settling for someone they’re not compatible with), have a deep-rooted “type” that doesn’t ultimately serve them well, or have unrealistic standards. If you’re trapped in this cycle of dating people who don’t actually meet your needs or desires, know this: Fleabagging is super common. In fact, a 2019 PlentyOfFish survey revealed that half of all singles have done this (and interestingly, more women are guilty of this trend than men).
Benching
You’ve been dating someone new for a month or two, and things are going swimmingly — but you get this nagging feeling like it’s not going anywhere. What gives? One reason why your relationship may not be progressing is that you’re being “benched.” Benching refers to when someone only texts and plans dates just often enough to maintain the status quo but is also keeping their options open. They like you, but they’re not fully sure if they’re ready to commit or if you have long-term potential. The term comes from sports, as in when a player has to remain on the bench until the coach calls them out.
Breadcrumbing
Just as the name of this term implies, “breadcrumbing” refers to stringing someone along. They might leave a “like” on your latest Instagram post or send a sporadic flirty text. But the reality is that those little breadcrumbs they leave you to spike your interest are probably all you’re going to get. Why? Because when someone breadcrumbs you, they’re typically either just trying to get a quick dose of validation, or they like the power trip of knowing they’re keeping you on the hook.
Catch and Release
Some people just love the thrill of the chase — and once that’s over, they lose interest immediately. They reel you in, and once they’ve proven they can catch you, they release you back into the wild. If you’ve ever hooked up or gone out with someone, only to have them vanish into thin air afterwards, you may very well have experienced this obnoxious and immature dating phenomenon. Remember: a person who practices catch and release does not have any intention of actually dating you, and they never did — it’s all a game to them.
Catfishing
Online dating comes with all kinds of inherent risks — one of which is being catfished. Essentially, this refers to when someone creates a fake profile to fraudulently lure you in. The term can be traced back to the investigative MTV series Catfish (and the 2010 documentary of the same name) that follows couples who started building relationships online but have never met in person.
Cushioning
You know when you start to sense that a breakup is fast approaching? Well, some people will try to “cushion” the blow of that impending split by talking to and even flirting with other people just as their current relationship starts going downhill. That way, they already have someone else lined up once they become single again. (This could definitely be considered “microcheating” — but more on that term later.)
DTR
This common acronym stands for “defining the relationship” (otherwise known as “the talk.”) In other words, it’s that anxiety-inducing yet necessary convo most couples must have in order to figure out where they stand (strictly hooking up? Casual but exclusive? Boyfriend and girlfriend?) and where their relationship is going.
FWB
Another popular acronym, which stands for “friends with benefits.” It’s a casual relationship that’s usually centered around sex with no strings attached.
Gatsbying AKA Instagrandstanding
If you’ve ever used Instagram to try and capture the attention of someone you like, you may be guilty of this one. “Gatsbying,” also known as “Instagrandstanding,” refers to curating the perfect post that will ideally get your crush to take notice, “like” it, and maybe even feel inspired to DM or text you. It’s named after the main character from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic novel — as Gatsby would often throw lavish parties solely for the purpose of impressing Daisy.
Haunting AKA Zombieing
Ugh, is there anything worse than an ex who texts you out of the blue just after you finally got over them? When someone is “haunting” or “zombieing” you, they probably ghosted you before and are not essentially coming back from the dead with no warning whatsoever. These terms can also refer to when someone starts suddenly interacting with your social media posts without actually getting in touch with you.
Kittenfishing
Think of this as a slightly more innocent form of catfishing. Someone who’s “kittenfishing” you won’t create an entirely fake online persona, but they also won’t be entirely honest about who they are, either. Maybe they lie about their job, exaggerate a lot about their lifestyle, or only include photos of themselves from 10 years ago. Regardless, it’s a huge bummer when you finally meet up with them IRL and realize that they portrayed themselves inaccurately in order to win you over.
Marleying
When a former flame gets in touch with you (or straight-up tries to get back together with you) right around the holidays, that’s called “marleying.” The term is named after A Christmas Carol’s Jacob Marley who comes back to haunt Ebenezer Scrooge close to Christmas. People who engage in marleying are often just feeling lonely (or looking for a date to the zillion holiday parties they have coming up).
Microcheating
Social media and smartphones in general have definitely complicated the concept of fidelity. Is it OK to “like” or comment on a hot Instagram model’s photos if you’re in a relationship? What about exchanging potentially flirty DMs or texts with a coworker? All of these examples might be considered “microcheating.” While regular ol’ cheating means physically hooking up with someone else, these acts usually entail making a different kind of connection with other people behind your partner’s back. Only you and your partner can decide what constitutes microcheating — you may be fine with the fact that they follow supermodels on IG as long as they don’t message or interact with them, or you may consider that being unfaithful. The point is, just because microcheating doesn’t involve sleeping with someone else doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful.
Orbiting
This term is often used interchangeably with haunting and zombieing. While they do largely mean the same thing, haunting and zombieing can entail a former love interest actually getting in touch with you, whereas “orbiting” usually means they’re just lingering on your social media feeds. They won’t text you back, but they’ll retweet your latest meme, watch your Instagram Story or “like” your Facebook post. Basically, they want you to know they’re keeping tabs on you but they probably have no intention of actually dating you again, so they just creep on you from afar. This term was originally coined by Man Repeller writer Anna Iovine, who described it as being “close enough to see each other; far enough to never talk.” According to Iovine, there are a few main reasons why someone might orbit you: it makes them feel like they’re in control, they don’t know what they want, or they want to keep the door open in case you both find yourselves single and want to hook up or hang out again.
Roaching
It’s one thing to mutually decide on keeping things casual with someone so you can both date around. It’s another thing to deliberately hide the fact that you’ve been seeing other people behind your new partner’s back, even when monogamy is implied. The latter refers to “roaching.” The worst part? When you find out and confront them about it, they usually claim they didn’t know you had an understanding to be exclusive.
Sidebarring AKA Phubbing
When it seems like your date is more interested in checking their texts, social media notifications, emails, etc. than getting to know you — they’re “sidebarring” or “phubbing” (as in phone snubbing) you. Yes, it’s rude, and yes you can call them out on it. When you’re on a date, you should always take priority over what’s happening on their phone, unless there’s some kind of emergency.
Situationship
There’s a bizarre sort of limbo that lots of people find themselves in — a pseudo-relationship based around convenience without the serious commitment or labels. This is not to be confused with FWB, which is distinctly casual. In a “situationship,” you might go on actual dates and even form a deep, emotional connection (in addition to having sex) but you never officially DTR. Some of the hallmarks of a situationship are only making last-minute or short-term plans, not hanging out consistently, and rarely or never talking about the future.
Slow-fading
Whereas ghosting entails just dropping off the face of the earth, the slow fade is a more gradual process. If someone is doing this to you, they’ll probably just start contacting you and responding to you less and less frequently, until they’ve eventually disappeared altogether. It seems like it might be a kinder form of ghosting, but actually, it just drags out the agony of the inevitable.
Stashing
Ever dated someone who avoided introducing you to family and friends and never mentioned you on social media? They might be “stashing” you — in other words, hiding you away, which can leave you wondering WTF is going on (are they ashamed of you?). There are several reasons why people resort to stashing. For example, they might be seeing multiple people (and they’re less likely to be found out if they keep you a secret). Or, they may simply have been burned before, and are compartmentalizing you until they’re certain there’s a future so as not to get hurt.
Submarining
When someone you were romantically involved with ghosts or slow fades you, then randomly resurfaces with no apology and pretending as if nothing happened, that’s called “submarining.” I’m a firm believer that people need to take responsibility for their actions — and this behavior is not just insulting, it can also be downright manipulative.
Textlationship
Does it feel like your relationship doesn’t even exist outside of your text conversations? If so, you’re probably in a “textlationship.” I always say you can’t really get to know someone until you’re face to face, so be careful of falling too hard for someone who has yet to make plans with you IRL. A textlationship may feel convenient in the fast-paced 21st century, but it’s severely limiting. And keep in mind that if someone is down to text you around the clock but refuses to make plans, they may just be breadcrumbing you and have no intentions of starting a real relationship.
Zumping
There’s no denying that the coronavirus pandemic totally transformed the dating experience — and with that came the rise of Zoom, a videoconferencing app. Unfortunately, not only are people now planning dates on Zoom, they’re also breaking up with people on this platform. If someone ends your relationship over Zoom, you’ve been “zumped.” It may feel awkward (and downright cruel), but many believe this is the next best thing to breaking up in person since you can at least see each other’s faces (as opposed to on a phone call, where you’re missing all of those key emotional cues). And thanks to the CDC’s social distancing guidelines, zumping is sometimes the only option.
If your head is spinning from all this terminology, don’t stress — you can always turn to matchmaking as a way to get a grip on these ever-changing trends. Not only can I get you up to speed on all the latest slang terms, but I can also help you to understand how they play a role in your own love life as well as offer advice on how to deal with them. Because let’s face it: Knowledge is power, and that’s definitely true when it comes to dating.
It is Well with My Soul