Need social support, and can’t get any

[Peony13]

I am very socially isolated, and am finding it unbearable

I have been extremely disabled for eleven years, ever since my liver suddenly went bad. By being extremely proactive in my health care, I have managed to stay alive. (Barely.)  But, this sort of illness generally gets worse, not better, and I am not able to do much of anything. I have to spend a lot of time resting in bed. I need a ton of sleep, and also spend a lot of time lying down daydreaming or listening to music. Currently, I can sit up for part of the day, but leaving the house is difficult, and i can only do it once a week or so. Other people go to work and talk to coworkers, and maybe get lunch together with a fellow employee, but I just don’t have that in my life at all. 

I am well enough to meet someone for coffee maybe every week or two, and most days, there is at least an hour or so I can talk via phone. The problem is, I have no one to do these things with. Whenever I suggest to a local friend that we go for coffee, or text a friend further away and suggest catching up via phone, they almost invariably say they are busy. They generally say they might have some time in a month or two. Then, the month or two passes and they don’t get back to me. If I contact them again, they say they are still busy.  I don’t think they are avoiding me, because when I do manage to meet up with one of them, we almost always have a great time, and they say how much they want to meet up again.
 
Time after time, I have had wonderful lunches or dinners with friends where they say how great it was to see me. Then, they get a new job (one friend moved from the US to Australia) or have a baby, and I never hear from them again. Over the years, I have lost more and more friends, and now I am barely in contact with anyone at all, except via Facebook.

I think if my friends knew how lonely I was, they would make more on an effort to contact me. But, I don’t know how to tell them. A few years ago, I posted on Facebook that I would really like phone calls, emails, and cards from my friends. I didn’t get a single one. I am tempted to be much more direct, to say that the social isolation is so bad that I want to kill myself. But, that sounds manipulative and stalkerish.  What should I do?

[Slick]

Peony13, I can understand what you are going thru.  I always had work friends and friends from school, marriage and while my kids were young and in school and sports.  I found that as you grow away from your kids friends, change jobs, get divorced, etc. those friends move on to the next phase in life. 
Add on top of that an illness (which often makes people uncomfortable) you lose more friends. 
You must reach out to the ones that you had a true friendship with and be honest with them.  Sort thru what has happened to your friendship.  And you may be pleasantly surprised at the response! 
At the same time, although you don't get to have coffee with them or dinner, you will find some of the greatest friends you will ever have right here!!!!  People on this forum are some of the most good hearted, caring FRIENDS you will ever find!!  They know what you are going thru.  They have been there in one way or another!!  And I have sooo many people on here that I wouldn't change for a minute to someone to just have coffee with!!!  You can do that NOW!!  Start chatting about LIFE (which we all want to be normal (?) ) and say, hey grab a cup of coffee or tea or even a beer in the evening, and just gab!  I know it feels strange at first to type and not see the person physically, but over time you will see the person in your mind and you will be surprised at what a wonderful FRIEND you have found!!!
I'm usually available but you can always send me a pm to set up a time.  Trust me.  You won't regret it!!!  And your day will pass quickly after the chat, with the feeling of having found a friend!!

Much Love to You!!!   

Slick

[Roses]

ello Peony13. Im so sorry you feel like you do but Slick is spot on wit er advice. Ive found some really wonderful friends at tis forum. Im not sure wat I would do w/o it. Best of luck to you. You can pm me anytime to talk......


Pardon mistakes my computer is messed up....lol

[Peony13]

Wow, I've met another Cat Lady and another Flower Lady! I really do have things in common with people here. I gardened a ton when I was healthier. I still have flowering houseplants. I currently don't have any cats, but I used to have four. I hope to have cats again when my situation is better. I have had cats my whole life -- I even snuck a stray kitten in my dorm and kept her there until the college made me move off campus with her.

Thank you very mind for your kind words. They really help. I just started a series of iron infusions today, and I hope they will improve my health. I also realized that I have been too depressed to take my diabetes medicine regularly. I am really going to work on taking the diabetes meds, and I'm hopeful that will make me feel better physically, too. 

I don't have enough posts yet to send PMs, but I am working on it. Slick, I got your PM, thank you -- I just can't reply until I have more posts here.

[barq2]

I would pick a few (former) friends and tell them you miss their company. It might be a more positive way to frame the problem and avoid you feeling "manipulative" (BTW I don't think sharing the truth would be manipulative, but appreciate you might not feel that way.)

Good luck and best wishes.

[Bj990]

If they are truly your friend and you are brutally honest about your feelings they will put in the effort. You shouldn’t feel manipulative if you are having self harm thoughts. Saying “friend I’m feeling this way. Can you help by being here” is ok. If they are a friend they will want to help.


Have you tried any forums or apps for meeting new friends? I’ve moved several times and lost touch with friends. Don’t really even text or call me anymore so I feel you on the loneliness. I do get socialization at work but I don’t connect with anyone in my field. Usually sit alone at lunch etc. I tried a few apps for socializing for adults. After sifting through all the swingers clubs there were some good ones. Unfortunately 99% of the activities are during times I work so I haven’t tried any yet but they have good reviews.

Another thing I’ve seen is YouTube communities. Fans of certain shows or influencers really connect and a lot become friends through the common interest. Can find something you like, find a popular youtuber and start commenting and interacting. With a large enough fan base someone probably lives nearby.

[DopamineDeficient]

In addition to reconnecting with old friends, could you try to make some new connections? Without knowing your demographics and interests it can be hard to guess what you might find enjoyable, but I know a lot of people who are part of online D&D groups and play over Discord, which is kinda like an IM service originally made for gaming. A lot of people also make friends playing multiplayer online games. I know I've developed some sense of community in group chats around various interests or issues. In the past this included self harm, but I don't recommend it and I had to leave that group because it became too triggering and my self harming behavior was escalating.

Someone mentioned apps for socializing, there's also the website meetup if you did want to get out and do things, though it sounds like that might be quite limited. Do you like reading? Maybe a book club/discussion group?

[Levi517]

It’s really amazing what’s out there depending on your interests. Website friends can be surprisingly uplifting. I don’t have a lot of friends who are close to my home, but I’ve met some great people around the world through groups as diverse as genealogy and a favorite British detective series.
Google, FB, other sources can lead to some great interactions. Good luck!

[Peony13]

Thank you for the suggestions!

I am actually very interested in making YouTube videos. I am a big Star Wars fan and would like to present my fan theories and my analysis of the movies. However, I am not a visual person at all, and I have no idea how to make YouTube videos.Can anyone recommend some YouTube videos apps?

I'm not sure I will be able to make a decent YouTube video even with a good app-- I can't even take a decent selfie. But, I've heard that YouTube videos are easy to make for people who have experience and talent I really should try to conserve my money, but if it were possible to get someone to take my ideas and make them into a video at a cost of say, 10 dollars per minute of video, I would probably be willing to give that a try. Any ideas for websites where I could hire someone to make a video? I am also willing to pay $100 or maybe more for an app, rather than use a free one, if the premium app will make it easier to create a decent video.

I have reached out to three friends via email/Facebook message. One of them plans to meet me for dinner next weekend, so that's good. The other two didn't reply at all, but I am hoping maybe they just didn't get my messages for some reason. I'm trying to get my courage up to try again.

As for interacting via websites, I used to be extremely active on a Harry Potter forum, back when the books were coming out. The one friend who is meeting me for lunch is someone I met via Harry Potter fandom. (The others all live 1000+ plus miles away, and I am no longer well enough to travel.)

Before that, back in the pre-web days, I was a moderator on a local BBS my university ran. Interacting online was brand new, and it really felt like we were explorers on some new frontier. (This was the mid-1980s.) That was great and we had intense discussions on all sorts of things. I made some good friends through that University BBS, but they were mostly college students who soon moved away. As soon as I graduated, I no longer had access and I don't even know if anything similar now exists. I am on a local web forum now, but it's not very active -- it's really just for local things such as posting about lost pets and asking for dentist recommendations.

I played D&D when I was young, but my demographics (which I probably should have stated) are that I am female and pushing 60. One of the problems I run into online are "incel" type young men who are very hostile to women. The first time I tried posting on Reddit, I immediately got called a "piece of s**t", something that I had never been called in my entire life. I'm not willing to pretend that I'm male, and anyway, I'm not going to find people who want to friends with an older woman by pretending to be a young guy.

Bj990, thank you for sharing your experiences. Some workplaces are much friendlier than others -- I hope you will get a job with coworkers that are more friendly. Apps for meeting people would be good. I have heard that Meetup is a good site. Are there any other ones you can recommend, that are for friendships rather than dating/sex?

[Chaitai]

I am very socially isolated, and am finding it unbearable

I have been extremely disabled for eleven years, ever since my liver suddenly went bad. By being extremely proactive in my health care, I have managed to stay alive. (Barely.)  But, this sort of illness generally gets worse, not better, and I am not able to do much of anything. I have to spend a lot of time resting in bed. I need a ton of sleep, and also spend a lot of time lying down daydreaming or listening to music. Currently, I can sit up for part of the day, but leaving the house is difficult, and i can only do it once a week or so. Other people go to work and talk to coworkers, and maybe get lunch together with a fellow employee, but I just don’t have that in my life at all. 

I am well enough to meet someone for coffee maybe every week or two, and most days, there is at least an hour or so I can talk via phone. The problem is, I have no one to do these things with. Whenever I suggest to a local friend that we go for coffee, or text a friend further away and suggest catching up via phone, they almost invariably say they are busy. They generally say they might have some time in a month or two. Then, the month or two passes and they don’t get back to me. If I contact them again, they say they are still busy.  I don’t think they are avoiding me, because when I do manage to meet up with one of them, we almost always have a great time, and they say how much they want to meet up again.
 
Time after time, I have had wonderful lunches or dinners with friends where they say how great it was to see me. Then, they get a new job (one friend moved from the US to Australia) or have a baby, and I never hear from them again. Over the years, I have lost more and more friends, and now I am barely in contact with anyone at all, except via Facebook.

I think if my friends knew how lonely I was, they would make more on an effort to contact me. But, I don’t know how to tell them. A few years ago, I posted on Facebook that I would really like phone calls, emails, and cards from my friends. I didn’t get a single one. I am tempted to be much more direct, to say that the social isolation is so bad that I want to kill myself. But, that sounds manipulative and stalkerish.  What should I do?

This will all pass, the important thing is to stay positive. I suffer from anxiety, and have a hard time socializing with people. I know it is not similar, but what I find is to really focus on one self - stay positive - figure out the best way to perhaps make new friends or find something positive to do. I notice meetup groups help a lot, as you do not spend more than a few times a month, you also meet new people who you can bond with a different scale. Previous friends yes get busy and have new lives, and it can be a burden.

We are all here for one another, and hopefully soon when I am able to PM - I would be more than glad to give you more advice, and help and emotional support. I think emotional support is very key.

A lot of these things are easier said than done, but if you find certain hobbies for the hours that you can leave the house, you are bound to find something interesting to do.

Cheers and all the best,