Child anxiety question

[Blockhead59]

My daughter has recently been seeing a therapist for her extreme anxiety, which she's had since she was at least 4 years old. I wouldn't put her on anything until she was at least 16, and then we spent most time going to biofeedback, therapists, massages, etc. 

Naturally, I asked my daughter, what I had done wrong to mess her up, as it's always thee mother's fault

My daughter said that her therapist told her that I should have let her stay in situations (like sleepovers) when she called and asked to come home, because it would have helped her build up a 'resistance" of sorts to her anxiety.

To my mind, leaving my daughter at someone's house, when she wanted to come home would have been cruel, to say the least. 

We talked about some of the times she called me and said she wanted to come home, and I can't find any justification (in my head) for leaving a child who's scared and somewhere she or he doesn't want to be. 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I was too overprotective. But, personally, I don't agree with this method of handling a child who wants to leave another's house. 

Any thoughts would be helpful to me as I try to process this logic. It just doesn't make sense to me. 

Thanks and have a great day!

[thegreaseman]

Personally, this seems a bit absurd. People usually aren't super feeble. Anxiety stems from other places. I seriously doubt that expressing some discipline in the household will not cause anxiety. Also a therapist shouldn't be shifting blame onto others. Just my two cents. Did this happen often?

[happyvibe]

I agree- it sounds absurd as well. I don't think the therapist should be assigning blame. The therapist could make the same argument if you left her to stay and it was traumatic experience.
therapy should be about learning coping techniques.

[Blockhead59]

Thanks for the posts confirming what I thought. (Makes me feel better lol).

happyvibe, that's what I said, damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Makes no sense.

[Blockhead59]

Fireplaces, I cannot thank you enough for your post. I read every word of the thread. I have no idea how I missed it. (Well, yeah, nothing surprises me. lol)

My DD is 26, thank god. If she were 16 again???? Sheesh! It's tough being a mommy with a child that age, especially one who appears to be as independent (meant in the best possible way) as your DD.

To your point about mishearing, lol:  My daughter may occasionally leave out a detail or two. I actually asked her and she said that the therapist may have said, "if the therapist was working with my DD and myself at the time." BIG difference. Even if that were the case back then, I would have taken her home. DD and I have been joking excessively, laughing hilariously about some of the crazy parents of some of her friends, and how I would never have left her anywhere she didn't want to stay. (Never understood, for instance, why parents have sleepovers and expect the kids to immediately turn off their excitement at 12 am and go to sleep. And when that doesn't happen, the parents start freaking out and yelling. What did you expect??). 

Bottom line is I am satisfied that I picked her up when she wanted to come home. 

I'm going to jump on your thread to discuss your DD. You sound like a great mommy and your DD sounds like a great, smart, motivated kid!

Much, much appreciation again for posting!!

---

Personally, this seems a bit absurd. People usually aren't super feeble. Anxiety stems from other places. I seriously doubt that expressing some discipline in the household will not cause anxiety. Also a therapist shouldn't be shifting blame onto others. Just my two cents. Did this happen often?

Thanks for your two cents, greaseman! Yes, she did it often, but I always pushed her to take risks letting her know she had a safety net. So, now she's about to turn 26, and her anxiety is through the roof, just broke up with BF of 3 years. Her therapist did help her to see that she does attach herself to people bc of her anxiety, that she needs a safety blanket. Even if her therapist and I were working together back in the day, like I said to Fireplaces, I would have brought DD home if she asked. I believe she's going to get some AD, which I'm cool with now, bc she's old enough to make that decision.

[Rafterman]

Hey BH,
I agree with all that has been said by other responders. Her therapist sound like he is very misled and his advice is nonsense. Whatever he calls his method (the "tough love" approach, the "band-aid" approach, the "self soothe" approach, etc) he should know that none of that works against anxiety. That is like telling an anxious person to "just get over it". Very bad advice. Almost criminal, particularly since your daughter has registered high levels of anxiety since age 4. This isn't something that he can file under "hysterical teenager". Treating her condition is a process and he may just be too lazy to do it correctly. Any chance that you can ditch him and move on to someone else? For now, know that you did precisely the correct thing.  Warm regards, RM