Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

So Who DID Make the First 'Backup sensor'?

I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler?    No,  then how about Mercedes Benz???
 
No!! it was a Chinese farmer!!        

Most of the newest cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the  driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.        

Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of  the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept  was first developed by a Chinese farmer.        

His invention was simple and effective.  It emits a high-pitched  squeal when the vehicle backs into something.

As with many other inventions, the Americans will attempt to take credit, but let's just use common sense; they just do not have what it take's !!
 
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[willie33]

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FUNNY ART FLOOR

[IceWizard]

About Japanese Sex





Sorry about that

[IceWizard]

Obama the Saint?

Last Saturday afternoon in Washington, DC, an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington.

He told the Cardinal that President Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic church over certain of Obama's views!”

Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,

"While President Obama’s presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tenets of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb-sucker and a nit-wit.

Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed.

He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and everywhere else. The man is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a Saint."

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Things May have Been Different... If They Would Have Had Jewish Moms...

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
 
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."
 
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
 
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me!
Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
  
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
  
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac,
you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
     
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.
Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
     
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man,
midnight is long past your bedtime!"
  
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
    
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
       
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
  
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica."

[IceWizard]

Now .... A Few for the Ladies

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slag.


Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.


Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don’t stop and ask for directions.


Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.


Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.


Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy.

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Look at the picture first, and then read the text:
 

This actually happened to this Englishman in France who was totally drunk.


A French policeman stopped the Englishman's car and asked if he had been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.  
 
Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verified that he was indeed totally sloshed.
 
then the cop asked the Englishman if he knew why, under French Law, he was going to be arrested.

The Englishman answered with a bit of humor,

"No sir, I do not!  But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

Thank you and please drive through....

[Spanky]

Here's Barney Fife reciting--strictly from memory--the preamble to the constitution.  He's just explained to Andy he can do it, no problem, by memory.


Spank

[Spanky]

Now .... A Few for the Ladies

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.


Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slag.


Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.


Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don’t stop and ask for directions.


Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.


Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.


Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.


Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.


Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.


Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man?
A. Lazy.

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Look at the picture first, and then read the text:
 

This actually happened to this Englishman in France who was totally drunk.


A French policeman stopped the Englishman's car and asked if he had been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and  a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.  
 
Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verified that he was indeed totally sloshed.
 
then the cop asked the Englishman if he knew why, under French Law, he was going to be arrested.

The Englishman answered with a bit of humor,

"No sir, I do not!  But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

Thank you and please drive through....

Good ones Ice Wizard,

What do toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They are both trying to wipe the Klingons from Uranus.

[IceWizard]

I don't even know if this IS real.... But I want one... Or 5...


Deep Fried Donut Bacon Cheese Burgers!!

[Popster]

Ice.....those are worse for you than the cigarettes

[IceWizard]

Good point there! Indeedie.... I can feel my artieries hardin up just lookin at that pic....

Ice