Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Things this Generation Don't Understand



You could hardly see for all the snow,
spread the rabbit ears as far as they go...
pull a chair up to the TV set,

'Good Night, David.
Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and
I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.
Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers,
but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake
instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
no beach closures then..

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell,
and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a
pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having
cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and
built in light reflectors.

I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened
because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We all wore white, short sleeved, buttoned shirts and
(short) blue shorts for gym, washed over the weekend
and brought back clean on Monday.

We all took showers at end of Gym before going to our next class.
Flunking gym was not an option...
even for stupid kids!
I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school,
we all said prayers and sang the national anthem,
and staying in detention after school caught all
sorts of negative attention..

We must have had horribly damaged psyches.
What an archaic health system we had then.
Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or
270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit
when I got that bee sting?
I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on
vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt,
Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of mercury based mercurochrome
(kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did )
and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room,
followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics,
and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor
for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it
was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either,
because if we did we got our butt spanked there
and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Bobby Creek coming over and doing his
tricks on the front porch,
just before he fell off.

Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house.

Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off,
not a single person I knew had ever been told that
they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills,
that we didn't even notice that the entire country
wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

Just Sayin...

[IceWizard]

Aphorism: 
A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation. 

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5.  A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9.  Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10.  No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.  - - - for example, it could be the right number. (Think about this one)!!

13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

14.  I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like  it.

16.  The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17.  Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Ford.

19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don't mind, and the ones that mind don't matter.

21. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[Charon]

[IceWizard]

In 40 years
















*******



This man was unhappy with his appearance
So he decided to get a facelift.

He was so happy with the results that as soon
as he left the building he asked
the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”

“36”
The man says,
“Nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s.
He asked the cashier,
“How old do you think I look?”

The cashier says,
“You’re in your early 30s”.

He says,
“I’m 55 but I appreciate you”

Feeling good about himself.
He’s standing at the bus stop and
this little old lady.

He asked the her,
“How old do you think I am?”

She says,
“Sonny I am 85 years old and my eyes
aren’t what they used to be,
but when I was younger.
I could reach down a man’s pants,
feel around for a little and
tell someone exactly how old they were.”

“No you can’t”

She says,
“Oh yes I can”

He looks around and says,
“Okay, Go ahead”

The old lady sticks her hand is pants
and moves it around for a bit.

She pulls out her hand and says,
“You’re 55”

“What the HELL!!! How did you know that!!”
he says shockingly.

The old lady says,
“Nah I’m just messing with you.
I was standing behind you at McDonald’s.”

[IceWizard]

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said,
“You have been a good cat all of these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said,
“All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard,
wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

God said,
“Say no more.”

Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed
in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven,
with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said,
“Well, we have had to run all of our lives…
from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms.
If we could just have some little roller-skates,
we would never have to run again.”

God answered,
“It is done.”

All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat…
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked,
“Is everything okay?
How have you been doing?
Are you happy?”

The cat replied,
“Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL…
I’ve never been so happy in my life!
My pillow is always fluffy and those little
“Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been
sending over are delicious.”

[Mr. HIND]

[Mr. HIND]

[IceWizard]

Those are awesome!!!!

---

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time,
became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:

Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
“Get your treatment for $500,
if not cured get back $1,000.”


Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer
didn’t know anything about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity
to get an easy $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic.
This is what happened.


Dr. Young:
“Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer:
“Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22
and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young:
“Aagh! This is gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer:
“Congratulations!
You’ve got your taste back.
That will be $500.”

Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste.
He’s angry now, and spends the next few days
trying to figure out a way to recover his money.
He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once
he thinks of a clever plan…

Dr. Young:
“I have lost my memory,
I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer:
“Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22
and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young:
“Oh no you don’t.
That is Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer:
“Congratulations!
You’ve got your memory back.
That will be $500.”

Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total,
leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young:
“My eyesight has become weak.
I can hardly see!”

Dr. Geezer:
“Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so…
Here’s your $1000 back.”

Dr. Young:
“But this is only $500…”

Dr. Geezer:
“Congratulations!
You got your vision back!
That will be $500.”


Moral of story
Just because you’re “Young”
doesn’t mean that you can
outsmart an old “Geezer

[Kg300]

Lol this thread is great! Halarious! I’m going to have to find some good stuff to put up!

[IceWizard]

A Woman Brought Her Hamster to the Vet.
The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation.

So the vet lets in a Labrador.
The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after
he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and
leaves the room with his tail low.

The woman, still not convinced,
demands more examinations.

The vet gets one of his cats.

It walks around the hamster and pets it.
After some time it shakes her head and
runs of quickly.

"Fine, I believe you now,"
the woman says,
"My beloved hamster is dead."

"I'm sorry for your loss",
the vet replies.
"Your bill for this visit will be 1505 dollars."

"What? 1505 dollars just to tell me my hamster is dead!?"
The woman says shocked.

The vet replies,
"No, 5 dollars to tell your hamster died,
500 dollars for the lab report and
1000 dollars for the CAT scan."