Humorous Smilies

[Charon]

   

[Mr. HIND]

^^ YUP!      Sounds about right

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.

The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets
and leaves.

He says to the Irishman:
“That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,”
the Irishman replied.
“I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and
get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the
owner of the bakery and says:
“Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”

The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he
proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after
eating them again the owner says:
“Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”

The Irishman then said:
“Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

[IceWizard]

Little Johnny's Perfect Wife

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.

Teacher:
"What kind of wife would you like Johnny?"

Johnny:
"I would want a wife like the moon."

Teacher:
"Wow !! what a choice...
Do you want her to be beautiful
and calm like the moon?"

Johnny:
"No, I want her to arrive at night
and then burn off in the morning!"



*******




The school class had a homework assignment to find
out about something exciting and
relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports,
the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call on little Johnny,
knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But, eventually, his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and,
with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind
for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period,"
reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said,
"But what's so exciting about a period?"

"Heck if I know", said little Johnny,
"But, this morning, my sister said she missed one.
Dad had a heart attack, mum fainted,
and the man next door crapped his pants!"

[Charon]

[IceWizard]

A Sailor and a Wren were sitting beside each other in the club.

The she sneezed, took out a tissue,
wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The Sailor went back to reading his paper.

A few minutes later, the she sneezed again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, and
then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that she might have a cold,
the sailor was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the she sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose,
her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity,
the sailor turned to the Patricia and said,
"I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.
Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you,
I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an 0rgasm."

The sailor, more than a bit embarrassed,
was still curious.

"I have never heard of that condition before"
he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The she nodded and said,
"I certainly am.. Pepper."


*******


A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in
London on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car,
nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk,
and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look friend, don't EVER do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a
"little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied,
"Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving
hearses for the last 25 years, and you've scared the crap outta me.........

[IceWizard]

Casting Call


ITV are currently scouting in Liverpool
for people to appear on the new series of

"The Jeremy Kyle Show".

They are looking for People with Shaved Heads,
Goatee Beards, Tattoos on their Knuckles,
big Beer Bellies and severe personal Hygiene Issues.


Successful Applicants for the Show,
will be allowed to bring their
Husbands along with them too..

---

CAUTION STRONG LANGUAGE

*Link fixed*

2021 Jab Cup Melbourne Australia



******************

[quickfix]

The Jeremy Kyle show