Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

I had thought that this virus would contaminate
the world and that China had just gotten it right off the bat.

Now I'm hearing that China actually caught it from a dog,
it came from a lab.


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Ya wanna piece of me ... Well do ya




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What song is played at a Jehovah's witness' funeral?

Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door.

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

It was a perfect summer’s day, and a guy was driving along the highway to a scenic lake
where he intended spending the afternoon fishing.

About an hour from his destination,
he spotted a man dressed from head to toe in red standing
by the side of the highway and gesturing him to stop.

The fisherman pulled over, wound down his window and asked: "4
How can I help you?"

"I am the red arsehole of the asphalt,"
replied the man in red.
"You got anything to eat?"

Blessed with a generous spirit on such a beautiful day,
the fisherman handed the man one
of his sandwiches before resuming his journey.

A few miles down the road, he noticed a man dressed all in yellow standing by the side of
the road and beckoning him to stop.

Mildly irritated by a second interruption to his progress,
the fisherman called out:
"What do you want?"

"I am the yellow arsehole of the asphalt,"
replied the man in yellow.
"Got anything to drink?"

The fisherman handed him a can of Coke and quickly drove off.

Not wanting to lose any more time, he put his foot down in an
attempt to reach the lake by lunchtime,
but a few miles further down the road he saw a
guy dressed all in blue standing by the side
of the road gesturing him to stop.

Frustrated at yet another delay,
the fisherman pulled over, wound down the window and yelled:

"Let me guess, you’re the blue arsehole of the asphalt. What the hell do you want?"

The man in blue replied:
"Driver’s license and registration, please."



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A man and a woman get married and are on their honeymoon.

The woman walks out of the bathroom in a robe, the man says
"Take off your robe - we're married now!"

The woman says "Okay" and takes off her robe.

Then the man asks if he can take a picture of her and
she asks why and the man says
"So I can carry you with me".

A few hours later the man comes out of the bathroom in a robe.

The woman says
"Take off your robe - we're married now!"

The man says "Okay" and takes off his robe.

The woman asks if she can take a picture and the man asks why?

She says
"So I can have it enlarged!"

[IceWizard]

(Written to a woman who accidentally walked into a men's restroom, a few years back.....
This is a long one, so maybe grab yourself a cup of coffee...or, perhaps, hold off
until you've finished reading this)


                                *********************

Please don't feel bad, lady.
It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee
on the guy next to him.
Hell, we do that all the time.

It's rare for us guys to ever hit what we're aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and
then just start spinning around, just so
I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now,
is that men's penises, have a mind of their own.

A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals
are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis
will still manage to pee all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left
pant leg, and onto his shoe.

I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained.

I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man, standing up.
I am required to sit down and pee.

She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay,
otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night
and either sat on a pee-soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet,
because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me, in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about,
is a real problem, and you ladies, need to be understanding.
It's the dreaded  'morning wood'.

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things, a tremendous desire to pee,
and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it.

Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and
if it don't bend, you can't aim.

Well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to pee all over the wallpaper,
and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers,
the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself.

So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat,
and the other hand to try to control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, you think you can get the
toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up.

You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there.

OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzz starts to decompress,
and without warning, that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to
whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy.
It's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.

I told her,
"look, it won't bend."

She said,
"Sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time."

OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with 'morning wood.

Well, it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and
before I could manage it, I had peed all over the bath towels
hanging on the wall across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting and you can get it forced down
under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out
from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top
of the bowl.

You pee all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs,
onto that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor
in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma, is to assume the flying Superman position laying
across the toilet seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split-second precision,
but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee.

Try doing this in a public washroom !

So you ladies have to understand that we men are not totally to blame.

We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness,
but there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault , it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,
there wouldn't have been a problem!



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It was that time of the year when the bulls were
called upon to service the local cows.

Entrusted with the task were a young bull by the
name of Henry and an older one called Sam.

As the senior partner, Sam felt obliged to take
charge of the organization.

A stickler for neatness, he suggested that they wait
until the cows were lined up at the feeding trough and
then work their way along the line from either end.

"You start at one end,"
he told Henry,
"I’ll start at the other, and we’ll meet in the middle.
It will all be conducted in a nice orderly fashion.
And remember, you have to treat the cows with respect
and courtesy. Always be polite after inseminating them."

Henry promised to treat the cows gently but when he saw
them lined up at the trough, youthful exuberance took over
and he raced along the line at breakneck speed.

‘Thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am,
thank you ma’am, thank you ma’am, sorry Sam,
thank you ma’am .

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

Found this taped to the door by an Amazon delivery driver



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Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

• Why is a boxing ring square?

• Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

• Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

• Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

• Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

• Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

• Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

• Can a stupid person be a smart-arse?

• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

Can I ever relate to this pic!!!!

Funny stuff

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]