Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

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[Charon]

83 year old George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garage , which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the garage stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is your garage detached from your house” and he said yes.
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply go back into his house , lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my garage. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes 6 police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, and an ambulance showed up at
George's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[IceWizard]

[Charon]

   

[Charon]

A father passing by his son's bedroom
Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

Join This Group If You Love To Laugh:

[willie33]

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[Charon]

[IceWizard]

A bloke, who had been digging holes in the street all day,
was feeling a little hot and sweaty to say the least.

He walked into a chemist shop, and asked the young lady sales assistant
for a can of deodorant, from the shelf behind her.

"Ball type?" she enquired.

Bloke: "No underarm please, dear".


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I friend of mine got fired from his job because he kept asking the
customers whether they would prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking".
Apparently, the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".


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A friend of mine joined this group of witches.

First of all, he was confused as he just took a bunch of food to the beach
and looked at the sea. When the sea was a bit rough, the witches would say
"Not tonight"

There were many nights like this.

Then one night the sea was almost calm with just a lot of small ripples.

They all ran naked into the sea, carrying the food and danced around.
When they came out, he was amazed to see that the raw food was cooked to perfection
and they all ate with relish. Then he realized that this wasn't a run of the mill group of witches
It was a microwave coven.



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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill.

Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick.
"And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
.. Darn! There goes another one!"



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At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their COVID shots
prior to going overseas.

One lad, having received a series of injections including flu and pneumonia jabs
asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, mate?"
asked the sick-bay attendant.
"Not feeling well?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight".


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So Cinderella went to the ball.

She took some photos Obviously this was well before digital photos
and she sent her roll of film away to be developed.

Every day she saw the postman walk by,
she would bury her head in her hands and sigh

"One day my prints will come".



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There is a new study just released by the
American Psychiatric Association about how women
feel about their asses.

The re­sults are pretty interesting:

1. Eighty-five percent of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
2. Ten percent of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
3. The remaining 5% say they don't care, they love him anyway.
He's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...