Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

What do french people call Marijuana?
Oui'd


****


I've been 14 years of marriage.
I didn’t realize I had broken two mirrors in my life.


*****


My little daughter came to me all excited, saying,
“Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!”

I chuckled,

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later,
the police are annoyed and
she still won’t say where she got them!


*****


Why is Ireland the wealthiest country in the world?
because its capital is always dublin.



*****


What is the similarity between a bank and sex?
In both cases, you lose interest after a withdrawal.



*****


My wife told me we should split up because
I keep pretending to be a detective
I said good idea,
we can cover more ground that way



*****

Today I saw two blind guys fighting...
Should've seen their faces when I said
"My money's on the one with the knife"

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[Charon]

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

[Charon]

   

Cavan Man Jokes
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There was a Cavan man named Padraig Reilly who had worked all his life, and still had his communion money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take it to the after life with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of his money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in his casket (bargin basement economy selection in accordance with the will) ; his wife was sitting there in black, and her best friend was sitting right next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife yelled, "Hold on just a minute!"
She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her astonished friend said, "You weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband, were you?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen. I'm a Catholic, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
Aghast, the friend double-checked, "You really mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!”
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[IceWizard]

Okay...

I just asked this lady if I could just run my fingers
through her hair.

She said, "Sure, go for it."

So I ran my finger across her top lip...

And that's when the fight started


*****


A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, “Stay here, and be very QUIET.
I’ll be across the field.”

A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream
and ran back to his son.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I told you to be quiet.”

The boy answered,
“Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn’t move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder,
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn’t cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn’t swear or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my trouser leg
and one of them said,
‘Should we eat them here or take them with us?’
Well, I guess I just panicked.”


*****


There was this older fella in pretty bad shape.
He was in the bed and had an oxygen mask strapped to his face.

About that time, this young really pretty nurses aide came in
to give him a sponge bath.

As she got closer to the old fella, he said,
"Are my testicles black?"

She said,
"I'm just here to bath your upper body and your feet."

But again he said,
"Are my testicles black?"

Not wanting to get his blood pressure out of sight,
she went and pulled back his sheet, raised his gown.
Carefully she held up his testicles as to get a good look.

She told him,
"Sir, your testicles are just fine."

The old fella slid the oxygen mask down from his face
and he had a big smile.

He told her,
"I really appreciate the feel up, but listen very carefully..
Are-my-test-results-back?"

[IceWizard]

After their usual checkup, this older couple was
told by the Dr that at their age, they may need
to start writing things down so as not to be forgetful.

That evening, the old lady asked her husband,
"Would you go to the kitchen and get me some ice cream?
and here's a pad, you'd better write that down."

The old man said,
"I can remember that, you want ice cream."

She said,
"Yes and I'd like some whipped cream on top
of my ice cream. You'd better write that down."

He said,
"I won't forget, ice cream with whipped cream on it."

She said,
"And, remember to put a cherry on top, here, you'd better 
write that down so you won't forget."

He said,
"I'm just going to the kitchen, I'll remember.
Ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top!"

After a long while, about 30 minutes, he came back and 
brought his wife a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.

The old woman looked it over and said,
"So... Where's my toast?"

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A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America,
so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads
"GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity
to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer:
"I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and
put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer:
"Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese:
"Congrats, your sense of taste is restored.
Give me my $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days
to try to recover his money.

Lawyer:
"I have lost my memory.
I can’t remember anything."

Chinese:
"Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 14
and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed):
"This is kerosene. You gave this to me
last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese:
"Congrats. You got your memory back.
Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him,
then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer:
"My eyesight has become very weak I cannot see at all."

Chinese:
"Well, I don't have any medicine for that,
so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note):
"But this is $20, not $100!”

Chinese:
"Congrats, your eyesight is restored.
Give me $20"

[Charon]

 

   

[Charon]

   

   

[IceWizard]

Three nuns had gotten in a bad car wreak and were killed.

They instantly standing before St. Peter and those Pearly Gates.

St Peter informed them that they would need to answers a
simple question in order to enter.



So he asked the first nun,
"Where were the first people living?"

The first nun said,
"Eden, the Garden of Eden."

Instantly, there were trumpets blowing and angels singing
and the Gates flew open then in she went.

He asked the second nun,
"What was the name of the first woman."

She replied,
"Eve, her name was Eve."

Again, there were trumpets blowing and angels singing
and the Gates flew open then in she went.

He turned to the third nun,
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam."

She thought for a long minute and muttered,
"Oh my, that's a hard one"

The  trumpets started blowing and angels singing
and the Gates flew open.

[IceWizard]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to
purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can
breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send
her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to
our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,
"I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head.
"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer
to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains,
"My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."



*****





*****


You know how people were joking about 2021 sounding like “2020 won”?
Well, next year is 2020 too.


*****

A few minutes before the services started,
satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"

The man replied,
"Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?"
Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't."
said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?"
asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute,"
returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?"
persisted Satan.

"Yep,"
was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?"
asked Satan.

"Nope,"
said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 48 years."