Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Over At The VA....(Veteran's Administration)

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite, and very pretty.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
While leaving the room, she courteously said,
“Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down
and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked,
“By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open
this morning, did you also see a soldier standing to attention?”

The secretary, who was very witty, replied,
“Why, no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran
sitting on two duffel bags!” 


**********



Three sisters, Monica, Phoebe and Fanny, are all invited to a party,
so they go to buy new dancing shoes.

Monica comes home with a new pair of size 9 stilettos,
Phoebe buys a pair of size 10 strappy sandals but poor
Fanny, who takes a manly size 14, is forced to go in men’s wingtips.

At the party, Fanny sits alone in the corner watching her sisters 'cut a rug' on the dance floor.

While the two sisters are dancing, two men approach and point down at their feet,
“Wow, those are huge feet!” one of the men exclaims.

“If you think those are big,” replies Monica proudly,
“Wait till you see our Fanny’s!”


**********


"I'm sorry, Doreen," said her husband gently.
"Old Rover's getting very old, he can hardly walk and he doesn't
hear so well anymore. I think you have to prepare yourself for the worst."

"Nonsense," replied his wife,
"There's nothing wrong. Look, I'll show you. Come on, Rover," she called.
"Come here, Rover, and sit."

"Oh dear," sighed her husband. "I told you his hearing was affected.
I'll go and get the mop and bucket !"


**********


A young man is out walking his dog on a leash in the park,
when a beautiful young woman stops to admire the animal.

“What’s your dog’s name?”
she asks flirtatiously.

“Herpes,”
replies the dog’s owner.

“How odd!” exclaims the woman.
“Why in the world did you name your dog Herpes?”

The young man replies,
“Because he just won’t heel.”


**********


A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after he is through examining her he says,
“I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”

The woman then says,
“Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”

To which the dentist replies,
“Make up your mind—I have to adjust the chair.”


**********


Going to the brink of death and back in a nine-car pile-up on a two-lane road
is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself. Hold on tight—particularly if it’s a rear ender.
And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.


**********


Jack, from the neighboring farm, happened to see his mate Bill gathering
in the harvest without any trousers or underwear on.

“Hey Bill, how come you’re out here with no trousers on?  Or underwear ??"

“Well Jack, it’s like this. Last week in that hot sun I was out all afternoon
without a shirt on. Bloody hell, I suffered the next day !"

"My neck was as stiff as a plank…
so this is my wife’s idea.”


**********


Bob  bought a horse from the local vicar, after a long and hard fought offer to purchase.

He decided to ride it home.

But when he mounted up, the horse wouldn’t move.

“I trained this horse from a little foal,”
said the vicar.
“He only moves when you say ‘Jesus Christ’ and stops when you say ‘Amen’.”

Bob thanked the vicar and sure enough when he said ‘Jesus Christ’, the horse set off.

On the way home they were caught in a ferocious thunderstorm and the
horse bolted when there was a particularly loud crack of thunder.

By the time Bob had recovered his wits, the horse was galloping madly through the countryside,
and it took him a moment or two to remember to say ‘Amen’.

Immediately the horse came to a standstill, teetering right on the edge of a deep canyon !
“Jesus Christ!” he whispered in terror.


**********



A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him,
“Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells.
“What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush?
You’re out of your mind !”

“All right then,” the salesman continues,
“Then how about a fresh-baked brownie for a dollar?”

The man thinks it over and says,
“Okay, why not?”

The salesman hands over the brownie.
The man takes a bite and spits it out onto the floor
in the hallway.

“My god, that tastes like crap!”
he yells.

“Well, that’s because it is crap,” the salesman explains.
“So can I interest you in a toothbrush?”


**********


Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says,
“When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday,
we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim
for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”

The second one says,
“When one of our insured died without warning on Monday,
we learned of it in two hours and were able to hand-deliver
a check the same evening.”

The last salesman says,
“That’s nothing. Our office is on the twentieth floor in the Sears Tower.
One of our insured, who was washing a window on the eighty-fifth floor,
slipped and fell.

We handed him his check as he passed our floor.”

[IceWizard]

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?
Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

**********

A music store was robbed last week.
The robbers made off with the lute.

**********


Early in the morning, a wife turns over to find her husband wide awake in bed.

“Are you okay?”
the wife asks.

“I guess,”
he replies.

“I’m asking because you spent the entire night cursing me in your sleep.”

The man replies,
“Who said I was asleep?”

....and then the fight started !


**********




A kid is late for school one day.

“I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,”
he explains to the teacher.

“Well, couldn’t your father have done that?”
the teacher asks after class.

“Sure,” the boy replies.
“But the bull would have done a better job.”


**********


Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents, which is ironic,
considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.


**********


The abominable snowman gets called all sorts of names,
yeti doesn't seem to mind.


**********


A prospective husband in a book store

“Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?

Sales Girl, smiling,:
“Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 2nd floor.”


**********


Two older ladies. angel and Gertrude are visiting the museum,
and get separated during their tour.

When they finally catch-up with each other, the first old lady says,
“Gertrude, did you see the statue of that naked man back there?”

Gertrude replies,
“Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing,
especially with his private parts being so large!”

“I know”, says Angel,
“And cold, too!”


**********



Prime Minister Justin Trudeau finally breaks down and visits a remote northern reserve.
The Prime Minister asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief,
"We have three very important needs.
First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

Trudeau whips out his phone, dials a number,
talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up.

"I've pulled some strings.
Your doctor will arrive in a few days.

"The second problem is that we have no way to get clean water.
The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have
been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in,
and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, Trudeau dials a number, yells into the phone for a
few minutes, and then hangs up.

"The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed
for setting up a purification plant for your people.

Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here,"
the chief says.

[Charon]

[Charon]

[IceWizard]

Do you ever wonder.... Why?


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is the person who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic
called rush hour?

Why do they sterilize the needle
for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

Political speeches are like steer horns:
a point here, a point there, and
a lot of bull in between.

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can’t make him think.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience?
They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

It’s sometimes so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians
have their hands in their own pockets.

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

Which English king invented the fireplace?
Alfred the Grate.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

I know a man so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, at a restaurant,
they ask for the money up front.

A farmer friend of mine was telling me he's managed to cross a chicken with a cow.
Sounds like a rooster and bull story to me.

I can't help being lazy. I've been told it's hereditary.
It walks in the family.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago
and I’ve never looked back since.

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.
I was born ready.

There's a special place in h3ll reserved for the inventor of auto-correct.

My only talent is sleeping.
I could do it with my eyes closed.

Does a Transformer need car insurance or life insurance?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?
The infantry.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it.
You guys didn't like it.

What's the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.

I was kidnapped by mimes once.
They did unspeakable things to me.

Got a PS5 for my little brother.
Best trade I've ever done!

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
All it was doing was gathering dust!

When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils…they dilate.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.

You know there's no official training for trash collectors?
They just pick things up as they go along.

I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.
I wonder how many people are in that field.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead-lifting.

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting,
"Why did the chicken cross the road!?"
It was a running joke.

An old hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour,
the charge was recluse driving.

[IceWizard]

If You Are Wondering

Most seniors never get enough exercise.

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so
they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things
thus doing more walking.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose
coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors
would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise.

God looked down and saw that it was
good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up
and down more, remember its Gods will.

It is all in your best interest even though you
mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We
Grow Older

09 Death is the number 1 killer in the
world.

08 Life is sexually transmitted.

07 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

06 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and
hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.

05 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't
bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

04 Health nuts are going to feel stupid
someday, lying in the hospital, dying of
nothing.

03 All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

02 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

01 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.
What you do today may be a burning issue
tomorrow.


(Don't ignore this message. This is your only
warning.)

---

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker.
If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and
if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door,
and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.

He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket,
grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

“Well, how do you like that!” exclaims the father.
“He’s going to be a politician!”


**********


”One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House.

President Bush asks him,
“George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

“Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,”
Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears in the Oval Office.

“Tom,” Bush asks,
“What is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

Jefferson advises Bush,
“Cut taxes and reduce the size of government.”

Bush stays awake the next night and Abraham Lincoln’s ghost appears.

“Abe,” Bush says,
“What is the best thing I could do to help the country?”

Honest Abe answers,
“Take the night off and go see a play.”


**********


A soccer hooligan appears before a judge. He is charged with
disorderly conduct and assault after a match.

The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something
into the river not far from the stadium.

“What exactly did the accused throw into the river?”
the judge asks.

“Stones, sir,”
the officer replies.

The judge is confused.
“Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.”

“It was in this case, sir,”
the officer explains.
“Stones was the name of the referee.”

**********

I've seen a bear open a door, climb a ladder, play a horn and ride a bike
but I still don't believe it can make porridge.

 
**********

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of
and the other to screw it into a faucet.

**********


A tour guide is leading a group around the Washington, D.C., area
when they come to a spot on the Potomac River.

“This is where George Washington allegedly threw a dollar across the river,”
the guide tells the group.

“That’s impossible,” says one skeptical tourist.
“No one could ever throw a dollar that far.”

The guide tells the man,
“Well, you have to keep in mind that money went a lot farther in those days.”

**********


Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes and starts shaking Bill.

Bill groggily opens his eyes and says,
“Honey, it’s 3 A.M. What do you want?”

“I have to use the bathroom,”
Hillary replies.

Bill responds,
“Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.”

“No,” Hillary says.
“I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”


**********

A man is sitting at a bar during a costume party when a friend comes up to him and says,

“You were supposed to dress up like something that symbolized your love life.”

“I am,”
the man says.

“You look like Abe Lincoln,”
the friend responds.

“Yup,” he replies, taking a sip of beer.
“My last four scores were seven years ago.


**********

Yesterday I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree,
so I took it.
You never know when you might need a nail.

**********


You can never lose a homing pigeon –
if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back,
what you’ve lost is a pigeon.


**********


Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions?
I do.

  **********



To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet –
you can hide, but you can’t run.

  **********

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these,
I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics.
Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.
I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion,
besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

I don't know how I pulled through it !

It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

**********


So I was at the store earlier with my service dog.

The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart.
With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had.

I told her it was my service dog.

Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that.
What type of service?

I said he was a BLD.
By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly.

She said,
what is a BLD?

I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog.

She said Butt Licking Dog?

I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean
because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders.

The cashier completely lost it.

[IceWizard]

**********


THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP


1. It is important to find a woman who cooks,
cleans up and has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who can make
you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who you can
trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to find a woman who is good
in bed and who likes to be with you

5. It is very very very important that these four women
don't know each other.....................

[Charon]