Humorous Smilies

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

I am STILL crackin up... Thank you so much

The New Texas Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in
a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the
old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests,
"Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand and try saying things like
'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin
with one hand and repeats all the suggested
remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying,
"No kidding, what happened next?"



*********


Might As Well Go Fishing


A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big
"everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked,
"Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said,
"Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and
see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down
to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said,
"Just one? Our sales people average
20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid said,
"$101,237.64."

The boss said,
"$101,237.64?!
What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said,
"First I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and
he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat,

so we went down to the boat department and
I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,

so I took him down to the automotive department and
sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said,
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a boat and a truck?"

"No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and
I said,
''Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[IceWizard]

A blind man visits Texas

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed.
“Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,”
says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar,
settles into a huge barstool
and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands.

“Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies,
“Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.

“Second door to the right,”
says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door,
which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.

Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms,
he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

**********


Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are
sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says,
"You know what, I'm going to go to college!"

He then leaves the bar and makes his way over
to the local college.

He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining
to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes,"
the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."

"Logic?" Jim asks.
"What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example.
Do you own a weed whacker?"

Proudly, Jim responded,
"Yes, I do."

"Well, if you own a weed whacker, then logically
speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.

"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"

"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking
you own a house."

"Yes, yes I do have a house!"

"And if you have a house, then logically speaking
you have a family."

"Yes, yes I do have a family!"

"And if you have a family, then logically speaking
you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically
speaking you're heterosexual."

"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual!
Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just
because you knew I had a weed wacker!"
Jim exclaimed.

"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded.

Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.

"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college.
English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.

"Logic?" Bob asks.
"What the hell is that?"

"Here, I'll give you an example.
Do you own a weed whacker?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

[Charon]

I especially liked the one about don't flush! I laughed aloud.

Both good.

[IceWizard]

***********

Once there was this poor country church that it's organ player call in sick.

The pastor realizing, the congregation had no musical accompaniment
quickly looked for a replacement.

All he could find was a piccolo player and he was only so-so, but
he was in a bind and agreed to let him play.

That Sunday, he introduced the piccolo player to the congregation
and proceeded to start the singing.

After the second song had started, somebody in the crowd shouted,
"The piccolo player is a MoFo!!"

The pastor said, "Now hold on! Who amongst you has called my
piccolo player a MoFo? Would you please stand up?"

No one stood up.

The pastor said, "Ok, would the man sitting next to the man
that called my piccolo player a MoFo, would they stand up?"

Still no one stood up.

The pastor said, "Ok, would the man sitting next to the man
that's sitting next to the man that called my piccolo player a MoFo,
would they stand up?"

Finally, this little guy in the back row slowly stood up and said,

"Mister preacher, I ain't the man that called your piccolo player a MoFo,
and I ain't the man sittin next to the man that called your piccolo player a MoFo,
I'm not even the man sittin next to the man that's sittin next to the man
that called your piccolo player a MoFo. All I want to know is,

Who called THAT MoFo a piccolo player!!"

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

hehehehehe!!

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign,
and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance
verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says,
"I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat
pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.
That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damned thing..."


******************

This is how lotteries really work

A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I got some bad news.
The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked,
"What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a
profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his $2.00 back."


******************************


A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas
when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian
would shout out a wild
"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final
"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.

"Why was that Indian so excited?"
asked the service station attendant.

"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms
around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I
wouldn't fall off,"
the woman answered.

"Lady," the attendant said,
"Indians don't use saddles."


*******************************


One day a hunter was out duck hunting when a
Texas Game Warden rolls up on him.

Game Warden:
“What’s going on buddy? Looks like you hunting some ducks, huh?
Looking down at the dead duck pile near him

Hunter: Nervous
“Yes Sir.”

Game Warden:
Picks up one of the ducks and sticks his finger in its butt then smells it
“This is a Texas duck here boy...you got a Texas duck license to
hunt a Texas duck boy?”

Hunter:
“Um, Yes Sir.”

Takes out his wallet and fumbles through it and pulls out a
Texas duck license and hands it to the warden.

Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over

“Alright son looks like you good on that one”
Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in
its butt then take a long whiff . “

This is a Oklahoma duck you got here boy...
you got a Oklahoma duck license for this duck boy?”

Hunter:
“Um...Yes Sir...”

Nervously fumbles through his wallet, pulls out a license and
looks at it then hands it to the game warden.

Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over
“I’ll be damned, Ok boy, you got it.”

Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in
its butt then take a long whiff

“Aww boy... this is a... Canadian duck.........you got a
Canadian duck license for this here duck boy?”

Hunter:
Scratches his head, fumbles through his wallet pulls one out,
looks at it, puts it back, pulls another, looks at it hard then
hands it over to the game warden
“Um...Yes...Sir”

Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over, looks it over again.
“Hot Damn Boy! You got a valid license for all theses ducks.
Where the hell you from boy?

Hunter:
Turns around and pulls down his pants....
“Why don’t you tell me?”


****************


A man and his son recently moved to Texas.

One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park.
During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very
nice language to use.

A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells,
“Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says,
“I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it
again, or else…”

Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and
once again the child yells,
“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in
his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to
speaking like Shakespeare wrote.

This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another
walk through the park.

As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says:

“Father, what strange men are these,
whose balls hang in parentheses.”


******************


Typical Texan baby boy

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar
as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan
baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around,
and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.

The bartender says,
“Say, you’re the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed
twenty pounds at birth, aren’t you?
How much does the baby weigh now?”

The proud father answers,
“Fifteen pounds.”

The bartender is puzzled.
“Why? What happened? He already weighed
twenty pounds at birth.”

The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans over to the bartender and proudly announces,
“Had him circumcised.”


**********************


A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer.

The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international
festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.

The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy
from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground
garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said,
''Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on
Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M,
a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests
all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater, Texas .

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole Texas boy replied,
''Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07
and expect it to be there when I return?''

[IceWizard]

An Irish Priest was transferred to Texas

He rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new west
Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day and noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning.
This is Sergeant Jones.
How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself.
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads
to take care of the matter."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit
and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun
with the good Father, replied,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Then, Father O'Malley replied,

"Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

[Charon]

An Irish Girl comes back for New Years

The other asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"

The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."

"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"

"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
************************************************************


New Years Eve One Liners

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. It's about having a good year!

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Year's resolution is 1080p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

I have only one resolution: To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have!

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event.

If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

***********************************************************

New Year Prayer

Dear God,

So far this has been great! I haven't gossiped about my friends. I haven't lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, cruel, or rude. I'm very thankful. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help to get through the New Year.
**********************************************************************

Top 10 Resolutions for Teens

10. Realize that sexy vampires werewolves don't exist no matter how much I want them to.

9. Goodbye duckface, hello sparrow mouth!

8. Get dressed before noon.

7. Less Twitter more Facebook!

6. Talk on my phone less. In the bathroom.

5. Prepare for zombies.

4. Prepare for dating in a zombie world.

3. Prepare for S.A.T. tests…in a zombie world.

2. Learn to drive.

1. Learn to drive on roads filled with zombies.
******************************************

Top 10 Resolutions for Men

10. Find out why all my clothes have shrank. Again.

9. Read that book, "Stop Procrastinating" that I bought three years ago.

8. Figure out why supermodels don't want to date plain, bald men as the media has led me to believe.

7. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse.

6. Prepare for dating supermodels in the zombie apocalypse (it could happen, right?)

5. Vamp up that eHarmony profile with some spiffy pics of ex-girlfriends half cut off in every profile picture. That's attractive, right?

4. Mention in eHarmony how I'm a great date and can zap a zombie.

3. Stock up on beer.

2. Stock up on condoms just in case!

1. Get a job.

***************************************************************
Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Women

10. Get some better outfits.

9. Hit the gym for real this year.

8. Diet.

7. Cut back on lattes.

6. Take charge.

5. Travel more!

4. Believe in myself.

3. Wear all the shoes I have bought!

2. Screen the freaks on my online dating profile.

1. Stop dating losers who are obsessed with zombies on eHarmony.
******************************************



Top 10 Quotes for New Year's


First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.-Scott Fitzgerald


I don't even drink on the New Year! I can't stand the taste of alcohol-Kim Kardashian

Deep breaths are very helpful at shallow parties-Barbara Walters


I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'-Henry Moore


Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness-Shakespeare


I doubt if you can have a truly wild party without liquor-Tucker Carlson

I get half a million just to show up at parties. My life is, like, really, really fun-Paris Hilton


Celebrate what you want to see more of-Tom Peters

If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am-Cyril Cusack

All of us every single year, we're a different person. I don't think we're the same person all our lives-Steven Spielberg

[IceWizard]

Marines vs Army

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of
Dallas，headed for Houston..

One sat in the window seat，
the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off，an Army soldier got on and took
the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes，wiggled his toes and
was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said，
‟I think I will get up and get a coke.”

‟No problem,” said the Soldier，‟I will get it for you.”

While he was gone，the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe
and spit in it.

When the Soldier returned with the coke，the Marine in
the middle seat said，
‟That looks good，I think I will have one too.”

Again，the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he
was gone，the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe
and spit in it.

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the
rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing，the Soldier slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

‟How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.
‟This fighting between our services?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”