Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.”

Now, Sex has been very
embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one too.” Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He said, “You must have been quite a kid!”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, “Every room in the place is for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.” He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “Me too.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up Friday.

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A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.Long
‘Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I’d just loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da… ‘
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’

Paddy said, ‘Well, I’d just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin’ down da road….

The solicitor interrupted again and said,’Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.’Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin’ and groanin’. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin’ and groanin’ too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

‘Now wot da fock would you say?’

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[Charon]

[IceWizard]

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[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[willie33]

Charon, I love that cat...

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[IceWizard]

Good ones !!!

A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.
Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.
Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only
to find a little old man selling ties.

The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?“

The old guy replies, “No I don’t have any water.
Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.“

The warrior is irritated by his response and says,
“No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water!
You realize I’m armed? I could kill you.
However I must find water first.“

“Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that
you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me.
I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue
over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have
all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.

Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.

Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.

“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.“


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A woman is out golfing. Playing off the first tee, she’s not
quite got her swing right and she slices the ball on her first
attempt and watches it disappear deep into the woods.
Not a great start she thinks. So she trudges off looking for her ball.

As she’s scratching around in the woods she can’t find her ball but
she does find a frog stuck in a trap.

The frog is relieved to have finally been discovered, having been
stuck there for quite some time. So the frog says to the woman,
“Lady, if you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.“

Now who wouldn’t want three wishes?
So the woman immediately frees the frog.

The frog is grateful but then says,
“Lady, thank you. I appreciate your help.
However I failed to mention that there will be
a condition to your wishes.”

A little puzzled, the woman asks, “And what’s that?”

“Well” says the frog, “Whatever you wish for,
your husband will also receive but multiplied by a factor of ten!“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s fine.“

Then for her first wish she says,
“I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world.”

The frog smiles but warns her, “You do realize that this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world?
He will be an Adonis and no woman will be able to resist his charms.“

The woman thinks for a minute and then says, “That’s alright, because
I will be the most beautiful woman in the world, so he will only have eyes for me.“

With that there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is immediately transformed
into the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog then says, “And for your second wish?
What would you like?”

For her second wish the woman says,
“I want to be the richest woman in the world.”

Once again the frog feels compelled to issue a warning.
“Lady, this will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you.“

The woman says, “That’s fine. We’re married, so what’s mine is his
and what’s his is mine.“

Once again there is a ‘Poof’ sound and the woman is suddenly
the richest woman in the world.

The frog then says, “Right, it’s now time for your final wish.
What will it be?”

The woman replies,
"I’d like a mild heart attack.“

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. So don’t mess with them.

Attention Female Readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue to feel good.



Male Readers:
Please scroll down.







The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story:
Women think they’re really smart. Let them continue
to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Note: And ladies if you’re still reading this, it only goes to
show that women never listen to men.

[Charon]

[willie33]

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[Charon]

[IceWizard]

I was home a couple weeks ago and my dogs were in our fenced in
back yard doing whatever dogs do when no one is paying attention to them.

I'm just watching TV when I hear a knock on the door.
I go over and open the door and there's a cop standing there.

He says "Hello, I'm Officer Jackson.
Have your dog's been in your backyard all day?"

I tell him that they've been out there for 2 or 3 hours and
ask if everything is okay.

He says they received reports of some dogs in my neighborhood
chasing kids on their bikes. He was called to come find the
dogs in question.

I simply explained to him that it couldn't be my dogs,
as neither of them own bikes.

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A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
However, every time the kite gets up into the air,
it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of
the front door and yells

"You need more tail".

The father turns to his son and says
"Son, I'll never understand your mother.
Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail,
and she told me to go fly a kite!"

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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

''Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow,
said "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

He said, "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with
large breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere".

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I was working out at the gym when I spotted a
sweet young thing walking in.

I asked the trainer standing next to me
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there.

The trainer looked me over and said
"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby".

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There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech.
They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees.
They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything
from the weather to the composition of the soil.

In their older years a little sapling started to sprout between them
and the birch said:
"Hey, I bet you that's the son of a birch".

"No sir, you are mistaken. That is the son of a beech".

This went on back and forth for years, son of a birch, son of a beech.
Until one day a woodpecker flew up to the top of the beech tree
and started pecking.

The beech tree said "Hey woodpecker, could you do us a favor? M
e and Mr. Birch have a bet about that sapling down there.
Could you check it out and tell us if it is a son of a beech,
or a son of a birch".

The woodpecker replies
"No problem. I can figure this out for you guys!"

The woodpecker flies down to the sapling, pecks at it for a minute,
and flies up to the beech tree.

The beech asks "So, what's the verdict?
Is it a son of a birch, or a son of a beech?"

The woodpecker replies
"I don't know what all your fuss was about,
but that was the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in".