Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

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[Charon]

wonderful Ms. Willie. Absolutely wonderful.

   

[IceWizard]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and
all of a sudden he hears music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave
with a headstone that reads:

"Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827".

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony
and it is being played backward.

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd
has gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."


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I can relate to this one for sure..

Just last month, I called ahead to WallyWorld

and asked them what I should wear when I came

to their store...

They replied, "A mask and disposable gloves."

They lied...

Everybody else was wearing pants and shirts too!!!

[willie33]

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[IceWizard]

A man staggers into the casualty department with concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife, Rebecca, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
balls into a field of cows. We went to look for them, and
while I was searching around I noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it,
stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse!

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that."

******

What I Want in a Man,
Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover



What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 42)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors,holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with s'crew-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends



What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend



What I Want in a Man,
Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

How can I top that!!!
That's so true, its funny

Ice

[BeReel1010]

Not sure if it’s bc I’m over tired but this one made me laugh haha
   

[IceWizard]

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one
and goes over to the register.

There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.

She says
"Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"

He says "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from
the sound that it makes".

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and
10 lb. test line... It's a good all-around rod and reel
and it's $20.00".

She says "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by
the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what
I'm looking for so I'll take it".

He walks behind the counter to the register.

And in the meantime the woman breaks wind. At first, she is
embarrassed but then realises that there is no way he could tell
it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the
only person around.

He rings up the sale and says
"That will be $25.50".

She says "But didn't you say it
was $20.00?"

He says "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00, and the
catfish stink bait is $2.50!"


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Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could
attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance.

The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest
dared to challenge him.

The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither
flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and
swallowed them all...

hawk, lion and stinker.


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The easiest way to enforce social distancing is to wear your
underwear on your face.
I don't even care if he washed them because
I'm not getting anywhere near him!!

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Remember...

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws.

Only catapults.

[Charon]