Humorous Smilies

[BeReel1010]

Lol idk why but this makes me crack up!

[IceWizard]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would
have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion
at his sacrifice.

She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time
I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.


*********************************************



Frank Perdue's lawyer was working on an inspired scheme to sell more chicken.
He called the Vatican and requested a private audience with the Pope.

The request was refused, but the lawyer called again and again, and finally
his request was granted.

A few weeks later he was brought into a grand and stately room for an audience
with His Eminence.He knelt and kissed the Pope's ring and explained who he was
and who he represented.Then he said,

'Your Holiness, I have a proposition to make that I think could be of huge benefit to both of us.
I'd like you to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
It will help my client sell more chickens, and we are prepared to pay the
Church $1 million for this.'

The Pope shook his head firmly and said,
'No, young man, I am afraid that it is out of the question.
The words to that holy prayer have remained unchanged for 2,000 years.'

But the lawyer persisted.
'Well, Your Holiness, would you do it for $5 million?'

'No, no,' replied the Pope, 'absolutely not.
The Church holds tradition sacred and does not make changes casually.'

The lawyer stood up. 'All right, one hundred million dollars!
Would you do it for one hundred million? Think of what you could do with that money!'

The Pope reflected silently upon the starving people around the world,
the far-flung missions, and the myriad of other financial burdens on the Church.

He looked over at the papal attorney before he nodded his assent.

'Please tell Mr. Perdue that we have an agreement.'

The next day, the Pope called a meeting of the College of Cardinals.
'Dearest colleagues,' the Pope began, 'I have for you some good news and
some bad news. The good news is that we are receiving one hundred million
from Mr. Frank Perdue to change the words of the Lord's Prayer from
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'

'The bad news, friends, is that we're losing the Wonder Bread account.'


***********************************



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally, he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

'Now take off my bra..'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
'If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired.'



************************************************8


I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and
give the woman there 20 bucks.

So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy.
After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says

'What the hell are you doing?'

I said 'Having sex with my wife.'

He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

[IceWizard]

A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the
woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors,
birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and
whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running…
And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him!
He was so scared that tears came to his eyes.

He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back,
the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw…
and the atheist cried out,
“Oh, God, no!”

And everything stopped.

The birds stopped chirping.
The brook stopped babbling.
The gentle breeze stopped.
And the bear froze with his paw in the air.

And the man heard a booming voice say,

“Young man. For years you’ve doubted my very existence,
but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you.
Why should I do so?”

And the man thought for a moment, and said,
“Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical
of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you
think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?”

And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said,
“Done.”

And everything started again.
The birds chirping, brook babbling,
and gentle breeze rustling the leaves.
And the bear slowly lowered his paw.
Then the bear put his paws together,
and bowed his massive head and said,
“Dear Lord, please bless this food we
are about to eat.”


******************************************


A guy walked into a bar and said to the bartender,
" Give me two shots please.
One for me and one for my best buddy"

The bartender says,
"Do you want them both now or do you want to
wait until your buddy gets here,?"

Oh he is already here said the guy,
and he reached into his pocket and
pulled out a 3"inch man.

"Do you mean to say he can drink that much",
asked the bartender.?

"Sure he can," said the guy, "and then some"

The bartender puts both shots on the bar and
the little man drinks his up in no time at all.

"That's amazing," says the bartender,
"Can he do anything else, I mean, can he walk ? "

"Sure he can," says the guy.

With that he flicks a coin down the end of the bar and
says to the little man,
" Hey Rodney, go get that coin for me please. "

Little Rodney ran down the bar and retrieved the coin
and brought it back to the bartender.

"This is really great," says the bartender,
"Can he do anything else, like, can he talk ?"

The big guy looked at the bartender and said ,
" Of course he can talk"

"Hey Rodney, tell the barman here about the time you
and I were on safari in South Africa and you called
that witchdoctor a dickhead !

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

Chad Prather - America's Problem:
The South!

[IceWizard]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle

in different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only

collects $2-3 every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day,

drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and

has a lot of money to spend.

One day, Carlos asked Jose:

“I work just as long and hard as you do,

but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”

“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.

Carlos’ sign reads:

“I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”

Jose says: “No wonder you only get $2-3.”

‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”

Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads:

“I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”


*************************************


Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Gainesville, and
they see a sign on a store which reads,
'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each.'

Bubba says to his pal, 'Billy Bob, look here!
We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to Tallahassee,
sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the
talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think
we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us.
Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know
we are from Florida.'

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl,
'I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts
at $2.00 each,50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each.
I'll back up my pickup and ......'

The owner of the shop interrupts,
'Y'all played football for Florida State, didn’t y’all?'

'Well...yeah,' says a surprised Bubba.....
'How come you knowed that?'

'Because this is a dry cleaners.'



********************************


A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels
but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking,
shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a
blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her
laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes
hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects,
the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied.
“I’m with the IRS.”



********************************


The owner and head of sales of a large furniture store in the mid-west
arrived in Paris on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he
struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady.

However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each
couldn’t understand a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.
She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark
and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner, he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.
They went to several night-clubs, drank champagne, danced
and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

He was utterly amazed and took her home.
To this very day, he still doesn’t know how she
guessed that he was a furniture salesman!


*******************************


Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
“Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
“An elephant?”

Bessie thinks a minute and replies,
“Close enough"

[IceWizard]

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer,
had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the
night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see,
I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the
desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for
an evening in their memory.”

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door.

There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can’t sleep in the barn.
There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him.
But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred.

There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out
but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered
sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change.
He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door,
and there stood…

The pig and the cow.


******************************

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing.

He told me he couldn’t talk because he was working on
“Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel
while under a dangerously constrained environment.”

I was impressed.

Until the following day when I learned that meant he was
“Washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife’s supervision.”


***********************************

I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation,
so I called the airlines to get prices.

“Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.

“And what about Salt Lake City?”

“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,”
she said, “but there is a stopover.”

“Where?”

“In Denver,” she said.

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

Just ignore the cheeky monkey. He tells everyone it is their birthday.

[IceWizard]

An American, a Brit, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman,
a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jew, a Kiwi, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian,
a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Roman, a Scotsman,
a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe,
a Zimbabwean and a Roman walk into a bar

The bartender says

"I’m sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"


***********************************


I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals


IM LIVID


***********************************

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar…


“GET OUT OF HERE!!!” The Bartender shouts,
"We don’t serve your type!

***********************************


An overweight time traveler visits ancient Rome and quickly realizes
he's wearing historically incorrect clothes for the period.

He visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the
shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him.

He goes to the counter and asks the clerk
"Do you have XL togas?"

Clerk: "Well, yes. But why do you need so many?"

[BeReel1010]

So true!!