Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Me and the wife took the kids to the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk,
the kids were getting tired from being in the car for hours and said,

"Where's the Beech?"

I said said,
"She is right beside me, in the front seat."

That's when the fight started.....


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A woman came home early from work one day and found her husband
in bed with a young and attractive woman.

The woman yelled at her husband in anger:

“You slimy disrespectful pig! How dare you do this to me!?
I’m the mother of your children, and I’ve been faithful to
you all these years! I want a divorce now!”

The husband answered:

“Wait a second my love, let me at least explain what happened.”

“All right, let’s hear what you have to say for yourself,” answered the wife
waiting to see just how her husband would try to talk his way out of this one,
“But these are your last words.”

Her husband started recalling:

“Today when I left work and got in my car to head home and this woman asked
me for a ride. I noticed that she was very skinny and wearing worn out clothes
covered in muck and mud.

She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days. She looked worse for wear so I took
pity on her and let her into the car. In my mercy for her, instead of taking her
straight to where she needed to go, I brought her home first and warmed her up a
plate of goulash, the same plate I made for you last night which
you didn’t eat claiming you’d ‘get fat’."

“She devoured it in seconds.”

“Since she needed to get clean, I offered to let her use our shower.While she showered,
I noticed that her clothes were very dirty and worn, so I threw them out. She needed new
clothes so I brought her the old jeans you no longer wear because they’re ‘too tight’."

“I also gave her some underwear I bought you that you didn’t wear because
‘I don’t have good taste in clothes’.”

“I found the shirt my mom bought you for Christmas that you didn’t wear to ‘piss her off’.
And I gave her the high heels you only wore once because ‘someone at work
had the same pair’.”

The husband took a deep breath and continued…

“She was so grateful for my understanding and help. When I walked her to the door
she turned around with tears in her eyes and asked…”

“You’re such a great person! Is there anything
else your wife doesn’t use?”

And that's when the fight started ...


****************************


THE ARAB DOG VS. THE ISRAELI DOG

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end
up destroying the whole world.

So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice:
a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This 'duel' would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting
dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule
the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world.
They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and
killed all the other puppies.

They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage.
Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very
strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought
this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.

All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and
swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.

There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail
floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let
out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We do not understand,' said their leader, 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for
5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves,
and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!'

The Israelis replied. 'Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons
from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

[IceWizard]

It was the usual day at our bank.
A woman came up to customer service and demanded,
“What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”

Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”

************************

The 60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years,
having been high school classmates and having attended
class reunions in the past, without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow
made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening,
their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . .
and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her,
'Will you marry me?

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, 'Yes.... yes I will!'

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

However, the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes or did she say No?
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just
could not recall.

He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question,
but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage,
he then inquired of her,
'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?

'Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will!
And I meant it with all my heart!'

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. 'And I'm so glad you called, because
I couldn't remember who asked me”.



************************

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica:
'What part of the human body increases to 10 times
it's normal size when excited?'

Jessica responds: 'That's disgusting! I don't have to
answer that question!'

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds:
'That's easy...the pupil of the eye.'

'That's correct, Johnny. Very good!'

And turning to Jessica, she says:
'I've three things to say to you, young lady...
first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a
dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!'



************************

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line-up in a straight row,
totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted,
nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they
were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.

Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.


************************

Did They All Live Happily Ever After?

Cinderella was now 75 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat
upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch,
with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived
a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant
you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration,
almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:

“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered
to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your
heart desire for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said:

“I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage
returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant
for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course
through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke:
“You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said:

“I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and
handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his
biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a
boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had
ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from
the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke:

“Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!”

And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly
perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her
rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath:

“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

[IceWizard]

When you run out of liquor .....



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[IceWizard]

Those are absolutely hilarious Daisy ...

So... This is what children's books are coming to...

Lady reading Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber
during quarantine

****************************

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been
born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under
his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

“Wow, this is great,” he thought.

It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it
he saw a wonderful sight – lots of other bunny rabbits, all free
and nibbling at the lush grass.

“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped.
Are you wild rabbits?”

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
It tasted so good.

“What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.

“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there?
It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”

This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well.”

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

“It’s fantastic out here in the world,” he told them.

“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.

“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised.
“Why? We thought you liked it here.”

“I do,” the rabbit replied. “But I must get back to the lab.
I’m dying for a cigarette.”

*****************************

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her
husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week.
Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I golf.'


**********************************8


A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says,
'Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about saying things
that don't come out the way we meant them to?'

The psychiatrist replies, 'You mean Freudian slips?'

'Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night.
I was eating dinner with my husband, and I meant to say,

'Honey, could you please pass the salt,' but instead I said,
'You damn fool, you ruined my life.''


************************************






***********************************

Silence is golden...
Unless you have children...
If that is the case, silence is suspicious.

***********************************






***********************************

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago.
For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife.

When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:
“You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes
by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown
out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down
once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

“Look, lie here on the bed – you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So he lies down next to the wife…

Just then the husband walks in.

“What,” he says in an ominous tone, “are you doing here?”

The manager replies:
“Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

***********************************

COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:6
Dear Mother-in-law,
Don't teach me how to handle my children.
I am living with one of yours and he
needs a lot of improvement!?

***********************************

A prospective husband in a book store
“Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’'
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

***********************************

Pharmacist to customer:
“Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you
need a proper prescription.
Simply showing your marriage certificate and
wife’s picture is not enough!'

***********************************

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone,
come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

“No thank you.” she said politely.
“This may sound rather odd in this day and age,
but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult.” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much.” she said.
“But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

**********************************





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**********************************



The dogs all had a party
They came from near and far
And some dogs came by aeroplane
And some by motor car

And when they arrived
Each one had a look
And each had to take his arsehole off
And hang it on a hook

And hardly were they seated there
Each mother, son and sire,
When a dirty little yellow dog
Began to holler ´Fire!´

Out they rushed in panic
They didn't stop to look
Each dog he grabbed an arsehole
From off the nearest hook

And that's the reason why you see
On walking down the street
Each dog will stop and swap a smell
With every dog he meets

And that's the reason why a dog
Will leave a good fat bone
To go and smell an arsehole
In the hope it is its own

[IceWizard]

Adam and Eve said,
'Lord when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are
lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember
how much you love us.'

And God said,
'I will create a companion for you that will be with you
and who will be a reflection of my love for you so that
you will love me even when you cannot see me.'
Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable, you
may be, this new companion will accept you as you are
and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve
and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said,
'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and
I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of
my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to
them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they
are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that
they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, 'I will create for them a companion who will be
with them and who will see them as they are. The companion
will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that
they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them.
And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.......


*****************************

Texting for Seniors

IMPORTANT – in today’s social media driven world,
those of us over 60 need to learn the new CTSFOF’s
(Common Text Symbols for Old Farts)
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).

Not to be outdone by these SNK (snot nosed kids), now,
finally we long-suffering seniors have our own texting codes!

Although most of us are not even close to senior status
I thought you should know their codes in case you get one
from a senior.

Texting for Seniors as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

********************************


A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender laughs and says,
'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks at the bartender,
with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says,
'You have a drink called Steve?'


*****************************

In the retirement community of Sun City Hilton Head,
South Carolina last week, there was a bumper sticker
on a parked car that read:

'I miss Chicago.'

So someone broke the windows,
stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires,
and left a note that read:

'Hope this helps!'


*****************************

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same
female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that, when the boss left,
they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work,
so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.
She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband,
but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a
muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss!

Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and
redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked
the blonde if she was going to go with them.

“No way!” the blonde exclaimed.
“I almost got caught yesterday!”

**************************


A blonde lady in the pet shop asks about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson ask if she needed an aquarium.

Her reply,
'I don't care what sign it is.'


**************************


Three nurses sadly pass away. They rise up into heaven,
and there they approach the gatekeeper to plead their
case for entering paradise.

So the keeper points to the first nurse, who says:
“I worked in an emergency room. I treated many people,
and always did my best to help. And although sometimes
we would lose patients, I still think I deserve to enter.”

The gatekeeper glances at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse then says,
“I used to work in the operating room, assisting surgeons.
It was a lot of stress, and we lost many people, but I
always did my best.”

The keeper glances at her file and motions her to enter.

“And you?” He asks the third nurse.

“I was a case manager for an HMO. I worked with
thousands of patients.”

The gatekeeper takes a long and careful look at her file.
He pulls out a calculator and starts entering digits quickly,
looking back from time to time at the woman’s file.
After a few minutes like this, the keeper looks up, smiles
at her and says:

“Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven…
for five days!”


***************************

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients
to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond
to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled,
“Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all
sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled,
“Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled,
“Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go
get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:
”What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied:
“Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by
and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

It had been snowing all night - So .....................:

8:00 am I made a snowman.

8:10 am A feminist passed by and asked me why
I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 am So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 am My feminist neighbor complained about the
snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified
snow women everywhere.

8:20 am The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and
moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 am The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I
didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 am The vegans at the end of the lane complained about
the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate
snow figures with.

8:28 am I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 am The Muslim gent across the road demands
the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 am The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 am The feminist neighbour complained again that the
broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed
because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 am The council equality officer arrived and threatened
me with eviction.

8:45 am TV news crew from the ABC shows up.
I am asked if I know the difference between
snowmen and snow-women?
I reply, 'Snowballs' and am now called a sexist.

9:00 am I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist,
homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up
trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 am I am asked if I have any accomplices.
My children are taken by social services.

9:29 am Far left protesters offended by everything are
marching down the street demanding for me
to be beheaded.


Moral:
There is no moral to this story.

[IceWizard]

Medical Advice


I don't understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on
TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after
listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects.

This is a refreshing change:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your
doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon!

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and
let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately
and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles
that prevent you from living the life you want.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it
but women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant
are encouraged to try it.

Side Effects May Include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control,
loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire
to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare,
and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Chardonnay, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer may be
substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!

Please feel free to share this important Medical information!


****************************


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey

“Hey! What are you doing?”

The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint.

After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a
drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and
leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans
too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,
then asks the lizard,

“What’s the matter with you?”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says

“Hey you!”

The Monkey looks down and says,

Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”


****************************


A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.
Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.

The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could
be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised.
This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it!
Does your boss know what a prize he has in you?
An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t!
If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll make
me answer the phone as well!”

****************************


I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in,
I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

'Nine,' I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

'I don't want to ruin it for you,' he said,
'but when I walked in,
they were speaking German.'

'So what does 'nine' mean in German?'

'It means 'No'.'


************************************


FAQ- Pregnancy and Women:

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now, when will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

**************************


A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one
of her arithmetic classes:

“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars.
One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son,
one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.
Now, what does each get?”

After a very long silence in the classroom,
one little boy raised his hand.
With complete sincerity in his voice,
answered, “A lawyer!”

[IceWizard]

A man was driving through West Texas one spring evening.

The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.
Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do
to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine.

Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his
flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had
promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, “It’s your fuel pump.”

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.
“Who said that?” he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and
the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated,

“It’s your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again.”

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key
and sure enough, the engine roared to life.

He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
“Gimme a large whiskey, please!” he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man’s ashen face and asked,

“What’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“It’s unbelievable,” the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher
.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful.
“A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?”

The man replied in the affirmative. “Yes, it was! Am I crazy?”

“No, you ain’t crazy. In fact, you’re lucky,” said the rancher,
“because that black horse doesn’t know sh*t about cars.”


*******************************
Strange Problem


A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

'Doc, there's something wrong with me.
Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest,
and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's
wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe.

Can you tell me what the problem is?'

'Sure,' the doctor said.
'You have way too much time on your hands.'



*******************************

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came
into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a
six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could.

“Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing
with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily:
“Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.
It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would
like a word with you!”


*******************************

I’ll Testify To That


Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the
trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom, decreed,
'Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first.'

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.



*******************************

1st Grader Answers


A first-grade teacher had twenty-five students in her Clarkston, MI class.
She presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you.

While reading, keep in mind that these are just 6-year-olds because
the last one is classic…
although sad to see it said!

1. Don’t change horses……………………… until they stop.
2. Strike while the……………………………. bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before……………….Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of…..termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but…….how?
6. Don’t bite the hand that………………… looks dirty.
7. No news is…………………………………... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a……………………. Mister.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new………. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll……..stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust………………………………..me.
12. The pen is mightier than the…………. pigs.
13. An idle mind is……………………………. the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s…….…… pollution.
15. Happy the bride who………………….….gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is……………………….…. not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s………………… the Musketeers
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……. you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs
with you, cry and……………….……….. you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as……………. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not……. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed…………… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only
what you……………………………..…….. see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind……….. get out of the way.

And the WINNER is… the last one…
25. Better late than…………………... pregnant.

[IceWizard]

Chad Prather - Take Six Feet and Shove It






Chad Prather - 2019 was the SH*T!


********************************

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said,
“You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied,
“Of course.”

The American blew a huge bubble.
“We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?”

Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said,
“We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers,
recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”

The Australian then asked, “Do you have sex in the States?”

The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.”

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do
you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

“We throw them away, of course.”

Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile.
“We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
and sell them to the United States.”

Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s


********************************

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer.

They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said,
”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why
you asked us to come.”

The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said
”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and
that’s the way I want to go too.”


********************************

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper,
and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?'

I didn’t know what to say.

So I said yes.
I stood up,
turned the page,
and sat down again.


********************************

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.
It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next.

He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter,
down the drain spout and onto a Lilly pad at the edge of a lake.
A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green,
the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. 'Are you gonna play golf?'
he asks 'Or are you just gonna fool around?'


********************************

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
George Burns