Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire.

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What happened?" asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her knickers off,
lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy!
So I took the bike.''

"Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway".

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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"6

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections,
wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished,
his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."


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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled
"I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber
and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife".

A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo!"

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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard " replied the smirking male clerk.6

"That's fine" replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards".

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth,
then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her,
smiled and said.

"Grandpa pay the man".


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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts one foot in a pauses.

She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”

She starts up the stairs and pauses.

Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”
She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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Dustie was surprised when his gorgeous neighbor knocked on his door one evening.

When he opened the door she said,

“I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time,
go out for some drinks and spend the night with someone.
Are you doing anything tonight?” 

Dustie  excited and quickly responded, “Nooo, I’m free tonight and at your service.”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

[IceWizard]

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone.
So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.

She wanted a man who:

1) would treat her nicely,
2) wouldn't run away from her, and
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring.
She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't
have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper.

As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you".

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door
in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" says the little boy.

As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar
and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner" the fire fighter says "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck,
but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster".

The little boy says "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".


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The wife shouted at me the other day:

"We never talk, we live like strangers in the same house. All you do is watch your stupid rugby on TV and
drink your damn beer! You show absolutely zero interest in me!"

I said "That's not true honey, I know you well, I love you!"

Rather unexpectedly (and regrettably for me), she said
"OK then, smartarse, how about a little test? What's my favourite flower?"

I really tried hard. I sat. I thought as much as I could. After a few more seconds, and
with her standing hands on hips, and with her eyebrows raised, I muttered

" Self-Raising, isn't it?"


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George was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ...
She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....

Something she just loved to do.

As George was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

"Why do you love doing that?"

Because ...... She Replied .....
"I Really Miss Mine"


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It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across
France by train to board his ship for home.

The train was quite crowded and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired".

She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word.
He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor!
This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out of the window".


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An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything,
he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up,
I'll eat every chunk of it".

She turns to him with a smirk and says "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says "Why do you ask?"

She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet".


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A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So, she found out from her local tech college what was involved,
signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that
she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result,
but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting".

The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly,
which is also worth 50% of the mark.

I gave you an extra 50% because
you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."

[willie33]

All funny, Ice and Charon...

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[willie33]

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[willie33]

[willie33]

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[Charon]

pictures work again. woo hoo. well done, ms. willie.

Local Priest*******

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
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Drunk priest

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!" credit to Ice Wizard for this one
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READ MORE
26 things Irish people always do as soon as the sun comes out

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Forgetful doctor

Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
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Irishman on couch

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? "Paddy O'Furniture."
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Car park

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

"Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"
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Tequila shots

Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.

The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness.

When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.”

The barman asks: “What do you have?”

The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
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Way to Cork

Irish Signpost, County Cork, Ireland
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.
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Dog walker
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.

One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.

His pal Billy sees him and asks: "Where is your dog?"

Mr Murphy answers: "I had to have him put down."

"Was he mad?" asks Billy.

"He wasn't too pleased," Mr Murphy replies.
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READ MORE
When is St Patrick's Day 2018? What is it, who is Saint Patrick and how to celebrate the Irish event
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Doughnuts

Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy has a bag of doughnuts in his hand.

Paddy says to Mick: "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both."
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Obituary
Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.

In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"

The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"
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Whiskey

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."


The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
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City workers

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
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Manhole

Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole. Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!"


Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance."
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Indicators

Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.

He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

hxxps://www.irishmirror.ie/whats-on/comedy-news/irish-funny-jokes-best-ever-3259755

[Charon]

Had to: The Sheriff's Daughter. early 19-- something. Cannot purchase it. But, theme song is sheriff is always trying to catch one bad guy. Wished he had a son. And his daughter dresses as a man and catches criminal.

So a guy runs in: Give me another drink before the fight starts. So bar tend does so.

Few minutes later, guy all excitedly says give me another drink before the fight starts.

Ok, bartend hurries to get the drink.

When the stranger asks a third time for Another drink before the fight starts, the BarKeep says: say, what's this fight you been blabbering about?

guy says, as he is running..."the fight that starts when you learn i have no money to pay ya..."

1912 movie. I am not the type to go on a hunt for same. Very early feminist movie and no, i was not born yet. was i?

[willie33]

Funny Charon and Ice 

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[willie33]

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