Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

A Letter From Grandmother



My dear grandson,

Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful,
which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a
car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the
bumper of my car.

When I went down the road,
I was in the rush hour.
Almost 100 degrees outside.
I was at a very busy crossroads,
with lots of traffic.

I stopped there, as the traffic light was red,
and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me.

Although I didn't realize that the traffic light
had turned green, I found out that there were a
lot of people who loved God, because they began to honk…

It was wonderful!

The man in the car behind me was,
for sure, very religious,
as he was honking repeatedly and shouting
"For the love of God!".

Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well.

I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window.

I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving
in a very special way, pointing his middle finger at me.

I asked your cousin Alex, who was with me,
what that gesture meant.

He told me it was a "Hawaiian salutation",
to wish good luck!

So I began to greet everyone the same way.

Alex was laughing a lot,
probably because of the marvelous religious experience
he was going through.

Two men got out of their car and walked toward ours.

I believe they wanted to pray with me,
or perhaps they wanted to know what church I go to.

But then I realized that the traffic light was green!

I greeted my brothers and sisters with my
Hawaiian salutation and moved forward.

However, I also noticed that my car was the
only one that moved, as the light turned red after that.

I felt bad for leaving my beloved brothers and sisters
behind after we shared so much love.

So I stopped, got out of the car,
and did my Hawaiian salutation for the last time.

Don't forget to thank God from the bottom of your
heart when you go through something wonderful,
such as this marvelous experience I had with
all these men and women.


Sincerely,

Your grandmother.

[Charon]

Lord have mercy.

[IceWizard]

Now I know that we say things
different than they do in England

buuuuuut...

[IceWizard]

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his
dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back,
up the stairs, he knocked at the door.

*knock knock*

“Who's there?”
Said the dope dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh…
you look rather withered and cold.”

“Yeah, I could use a cat or a pill.”

“A cat…?”

“Yeah or a pill.”

“I’m out of inventory,
got busted last week.”

“I’m desperate, please!”

“Man, I think I got just what you need and more.
Stay right here, you can look around but don’t
touch anything.”

The dope dealer stepped out of the room.

The cold, withered, teenage man looked around
the room in awe. There was a lava lamp, an ant farm,
a hula hoop suspended from the ceiling that acted as
some kind of scoring basket on a horizontal plane.
There were stale chips and little green paratroopers
sprawled across the carpet.

“..Man, I got this the other day and have been holding
onto it for the right moment”
said the dope dealer, carrying a little tin can.

“Oh man, really?
I’m as lonely as ever, and I’m having the worst
withdrawal in my life. Pretty much anything will do.
A cat will give me comfort and warmth,
or a pill will give me an escape.”

“Yeah man, this will cheer you right up.

I almost sold it the other day but I knew the time wasn’t right…
Someone who truly needed it would come along soon.”

“That’s great, please give it!”

“Okay, man, here you go.”

The dope dealer handed over the little tin can
to the cold, withered, teenage addict
looking for a cat or a pill.

The teenage addict grasped the little tin can
and opened the lid.

Out flew a butterfly,
to which the dope dealer said, “D@MN.”



       



*****


We are as beautiful as we feel!

Today, I asked my phone

“Siri, why am I still single?”
and it activated the front camera.

*****

The first thing i look for in a girl is her heart.
The fact that’s her b00bs are in the way is not my fault.

*****

A girl comes home from college for the first time.

After asking her about classes and friends and clubs
and the dorm, her mother finally works up the courage to ask

"So now that you're away from home and on your own,
are you s3xually active?"

The daughter says,
"No".

And the mom releases a breath
she didn't realize she was holding.

Then the daughter continues,
"I still mostly just lie there".


*****

I went to the Olympics in Tokyo...
I saw a guy walking around with a big stick.

So I asked:
"Are you a pole vaulter?".

He replied:
"No I'm German,
but how did you know my name is Walter?"

*****

What do you call a pony with a sore throat ?
A little horse.

*****

You hear about the latest generic Viagra?
Mycoxafloppin.

*****

Penguin Walks Into a Bar

Asks the bartender,
“Have you seen my brother?”

Bartender says
“What’s he look like?’

*****

I went into this fancy restaurant…

I asked:
“Can I have some Sesame Chicken please?”

The waiter said,
“Sorry sir, this restaurant is French Cuisine “

“Ok, can I have Sesame Chicken,
s”il vous plait?”


*****

I absolutely hate donating blood.

As soon as you walk through the door
you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask,
“Where did you get it?”
“Why is it in a bucket?”

*****

Two men are hiking through the woods
when one of them cries out,
“Snake! Run!”

His buddy laughs at him.

“Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,”
he says.
“Don’t you hear the rattle?”

*****

I need to Re-Home a small Dog.

It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot.
If you are interested.
Let me know and I will jump over my
neighbors garden fence and get the barker for you!

*****

In Ancient Rome there were 4 types of poison...
Poison I, II, III, would all kill you 

with varying degrees of pain.
However poison IV would make 

you really itchy.

*****

The 7 dwarves are all relaxing in the hot tub, feeling happy.
So Happy got out.

*****

My wife found out I was cheating after she
found the letters I was hiding
She got mad and said she is never
playing Scrabble with me again!


*****


An elderly farm couple was having dinner.

The man says,
"I'm gonna go out and take a leak."

He comes back later with spots on his trousers,
so the woman asks,
"Is the weather rainy?"

He says,
"No, it's windy."

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

[Charon]

   

[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

An Elderly Man in Louisiana,
He owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and said,
"I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm just here to feed the alligator..."





*****



An Older Lady Goes to the Bar on a Cruise Ship

She orders a Scotch
with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
“I’m on this cruise to celebrate
my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says,
“Well, since it’s your birthday,
I’ll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink,
the woman to her right says,
“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender,
I want a Scotch
with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,”
says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink,
the man to her left says,
“I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch
with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,”
the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,
“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity,
why the Scotch with only
two drops of water?”

The old woman replies,
“Sonny, when you’re my age,
you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water,
however, is a whole other issue.”





*****


A Mormon Was Seated Next to an Irishman
They were on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey,
which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon
if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust,
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back
to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


*****



A woman marries a man and has 10 children.

The man dies,
so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The next man dies,
so the woman remarries again and has 10 more children.

That man dies,
so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and
finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters,
"Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left,
“Which husband do you think he means?
The first, the second, the third, the fourth?”

The man on his left says,
“I think he means her legs.”

[IceWizard]