Humorous Smilies

[BeReel1010]

This had me cracking up!!

[IceWizard]

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something
glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron
in hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge" Joe shouted.
"You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

**********************************************

Vinny Calabrese, right off the boat from Italy,
was excited about being accepted at Harvard University.

On his first day on campus, he was walking around looking for the library.
He saw an upperclassman standing by a tree, walked up to him and said,

"Hey piasano, coulda you tella me where isa da library at?"

The upperclassman said, "Here at Harvard we never end sentences with a preposition.
Would you like to rephrase that question?"

"OK, fora you, no problem, Piasano," said the Italian.
"Tella me, do you know where isa da library at, youa a$$hole?"


**********************************************

While two families were waiting in line to enter the museum,
their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam" replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied "My daddy is a lawyer".

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind" replied Adam.



**********************************************

Bob got dragged along to a club one night with the wife.

There was a guy on the dance floor going mental, twerking, breakdancing,
spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the lot. He was the centre of attention.

My wife turned to me and said "See that guy? 25 years ago,
he proposed to me and I turned him down".

I said "Yeah? I see he's still celebrating!"

(and that's when the fight started)


**********************************************

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help.

A woman had breastfed her infant and forgotten to "tuck herself back in".

I walked over to Lady Godiva and as tactfully as I could, said

"Ma'am, I'm very sorry, but we don't allow open drink containers in the library".


**********************************************

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one evening.

"Son, where were you today?"

"Son says " at school dad."

Robot slaps the son!

"OK, I watched a dvd at my mates!"

"What dvd?" asks the dad.

"Toy story."

Robot slaps the son again!"

"OK, it was a porno film." cries the son.

"What! When I was your age I didn't know what a
porno film was" says the dad.

Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps The mum!


**********************************************

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars
in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered,

"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,

Not all blondes are dumb,

But boys will be boys !!

**********************************************

[IceWizard]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." Was the reply.

"That dump!" Exclaimed the barber,
That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of
Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class!

The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess
who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel ... it was great!

They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city!
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite
at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
private room and wait the pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and
shook my hand!
I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the terrible haircut?



**************************************************************


Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says,

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants,
and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again.

When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot
he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama!"



**************************************************************

Henry goes to confession and says

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Last night I was with seven different women".

The priest says "Take seven lemons,
squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice
without pausing".

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No" replies the priest.
"But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face".

**************************************************************






**************************************************************


Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70 th birthday by staying overnight in a
really nice hotel..

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high
"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay ...
I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included
had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and,
forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are
available for use."

"But I didn't use them!", screamed Lucille.

'Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for
which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." snapped Lucille.

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay,
wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad,
I was here, and you could have."



**************************************************************






**************************************************************

[IceWizard]

*****************************





*****************************




*****************************

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a bar.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.


Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes
and says to him in a sultry tone
"I'll do anything you'd like.
Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams,
it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is,
I'm game. I want $100, and
there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events,
the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words"

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.

He then whips out his wallet and puts $100 in her outstretched hand.

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly
"Paint. My. House".


*****************************

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully

"Give me one last request, dear" he said.

"Of course, John" his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die" John said
"I want you to marry Bob".

"But I thought you hated Bob?" she said.

With his last breath John said "I do!"


*****************************

Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings,
a daughter wrote home to her father,
who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money
to buy a second-hand motorcycle.

By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind
and bought a monkey instead.

After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair.
Hoping her father, the veterinarian, would know how to cure it,
she wrote him a letter.

"Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey.
What should I do?"

A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. It read
"Sell the damn motorcycle!"


*****************************

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time

"Would you like some Bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and
maybe some grapefruit juice and Coffee?"

He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra" he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines.

"The Viagra" he says "Really trashes my desire for food".

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Honey, would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra.
I'm still not hungry".

"Well" she says
"Would you mind letting me up?
I'm starving".


*****************************

The owner and bartender of a bar was so sure that he was the
strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and then hand the lemon to the patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it,
would win the money.

Many people had tried over the years:

Weightlifters, Truck Drivers, Football Players etc,
but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little guy came into the bar,
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
He sat down, ordered a pint of beer, and
started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge,
he said in a small voice
"I was just reading your sign and I'd like to try the bet".

After the laughter had died down the bartender said: "Okay..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it...
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little guy.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his little fist around the lemon...

And six drops fell into the glass!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000,
and then asked little man:

"Do you mind if I ask what you do for a living?
Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The little bloke quietly replied
"I work for The Tax Department".


*****************************


A soldier got injured in a gun fight and kept screaming "MEDIC!".

The other soldiers took him to the medical tent but he kept screaming "MEDIC!".

The Medic finally arrived and asked him what was wrong and all the soldier
would say was "MEDIC".

After a few minutes of inspecting the soldier below the waist,
he realized that the soldier wasn't saying "MEDIC!" at all.

[IceWizard]

A Russian woman married an Australian gentleman and they lived happily in Melbourne.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate
with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted
up her skirt to show her thighs.

Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it,
and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show
the butcher her breasts.

The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a
way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...................


What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!
Now get back to whatever you were doing.

*****************************

Found some time-savers for us during a shopping expedition

With time at a premium




SELF EXPLANATORY......





A little something for the Grandson, to help keep
'the home fires burning'......





For those Anon's and Lurkers........





a method to help out when correcting screw-ups and
a time/effort saver to boot.....





And then for when things really get busy..








While everyone else is busy working.......






And for the Big Cheese....




*****************************

Why didn't the melons get married?

Because they cantaloupe!

*****************************

Why Americans don't eat snails

Because they prefer fast food

*****************************

What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large!


*****************************

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working
out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife
don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and
go to the house" said the doctor.

"I tried that" said the farmer
"But by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use".

The doctor thought for a minute "Take your shotgun with you when you leave
the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the gun and she will
come down there where you are".


A few weeks later the two men met on the street.


"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days" said the farmer
"But then hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since".


***************************


I accidentally shot a Golden Eagle while out Duck shooting and ended up in court.


Judge: "This is a very serious crime.
Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Me: "Yes your Honor, it was very misty and the light was fading and, once
I realized the horror of what I'd done, I remembered what me late father said.
'If you kill an animal you must respect it's spirit and eat every part of it' so
I took it home and fed my family for a day".


Judge: "Yeah... yeah... that's very moving young man and, under the circumstances,
I'm prepared to admonish you but... just before you step down...
I'm curious, what did it taste like?"


Me: "Hard to say Your Honor, kind of like a cross between
an Osprey and a Peregrine".

[Charon]

wonderful Ice Man. i also love and that is when the fight started funnies.

Thank u.

[IceWizard]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her
a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


******************************

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's when the fight started...


******************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started...


******************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." 
She processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too."

And that's when the fight started...


******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started....


******************************

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No!" She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes!"

So I said,"Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...


******************************

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter.

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected
unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from
your doctor.

NAME: ___________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: ____________

HEIGHT: _______________ WEIGHT: __________________ IQ: _______________

INCOME TAX NUMBER: ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE: _______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: ________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS: ____________________ CITY: ___________ POSTCODE: _____

Do you have parents? Yes ___No_____

Is one male and the other female Yes ___No_____

If No, explain: _______________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married: ________________________________

If less than your age, explain: ___________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? Yes __No__

B. A truck with oversized tires? Yes __No__

C. A waterbed? Yes __No__

D. A vehicle with a mattress in the back? Yes __No__

E. A tattoo? Yes __No__

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly

button ring? Yes __No__

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE,
DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.
I SUGGEST RUNNING)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?________________


In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?________________


In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ________________


REFERENCES SECTION:


Church you attend: __________________________________________________

How often you attend: ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _______________________

Mother? ______________________

Priest or Pastor? _______________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ___________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _____________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION,
CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS.

Applicant's Signature
(that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ____________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ____________________________


Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative

_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here)


Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call
or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(You might watch your back)


To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend
(or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and beep you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise:

You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you.
Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and
I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.

Please do not do this.

The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry,
I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool,

Places where there is darkness,

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up
to her throat.

Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided;

Movies that feature chain saws are okay.

Cricket games are okay...

Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me.
I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me
the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for
a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange
starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as
I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway
you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early then return to your car -

there is no need for you to come inside.

The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

---

When you're down by the sea
and an eel bites your knee
That's a Moray!


*********************

Ok ... I think Tony the Tiger should run for President...

I think that he could really...

Make America Grrrrrrreat Again


Sorry... I just had to

[IceWizard]

Someone may find this list .... Handy

Mary's list for the throughout the ages...

What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. He doesn't miss the toilet.
3. ..........

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

**********************************

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a
beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally
the man asked “Do I know you?”

The woman answers
“I think your the father of one of my kids”.

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is
talking about must be the result of the one and only time
he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman,
“Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party
about 5 years ago? You know, the one I had sex with on the
pool table while your friend spanked my butt with a whip?”


The woman looks at him horrified and says,
“No, I’m your son’s teacher”.

**********************************

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several
wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point
the young daughter asks her mother,

“Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?”

The mother replies,
“Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them
up on the way home from work.”

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,
“Ah, C’mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud…
They’re hookers!”

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks,
“Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?”

The mother replies,
“Of course, Dear.
Where do you think cabbies come from?”

**********************************

I found myself pretty depressed lately and thought maybe if
I made a few new friends that might help.

In considering how to do that I thought I would use
the Facebook approach.

So now, every day, I go down on the street and tell the passers-by
what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done or where we had dinner
the night before, and what I will be doing today

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, videos of my staring at my
computer screen or napping and of course, the Pix of me winning the
Body By Hebrew National Contest.

I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them I love them,
and it works.

I already have 5 people following me:
3 Police Officers and 2 Psychiatrists.

**********************************

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and
a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop
where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her
mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there
as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques,
so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital.

Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop.

She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been
languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and
finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will
now be your responsibility!!!"

The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried.

The lady doctor then laughed and said,
"I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead.
Show me what you bought."

***************************




Welcome to Texas

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