Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

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[Roses]

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[willie33]

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[willie33]

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[IceWizard]

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first I thought she was joking.

But then, I saw her face.


************************************************************

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realises that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens!

"No problem" he says to himself "I still have my emergency chute". So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks "I'm a goner!"

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for".

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

************************************************************

On a train from London, an American was berating an Englishman.

"The trouble with you Brit's is that you're stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your breeding and your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied "How very sporting of your mother".

************************************************************

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor', that ate things.

The first little boy said "Alligator".

"Very good James, that's a big word".

The second boy said "Predator".

"Yes, that's another big word, Josh. Very well done".

Little Johnny says "Vibrator".

After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything".

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!

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A man received an e-mail from his neighbour :

"Sorry Jim, but I have been using your wife... day and night whenever you're not at home.
In fact, probably more than you. I'm confessing now because I feel really guilty.
I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.

I will ask your permission in the future.

Upon reading this, Jim gets his gun and without uttering a word he shoots his wife.

A few minutes later he received another e-mail:

"Sorry Jim: I meant 'wifi,' not 'wife. Damn auto correct"


************************************************************

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a note with $20 attached to it in his mouth reading "10 Lamb chops please".

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push the 'stop' bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself *WHAP* against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So, he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds "Genius, my arse! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

************************************************************

Chuck Norris

Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience

A leading brand hand sanitizer claims it can kill 99.9 % of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.

It's been said that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer--Chuck hasn't cried yet .

Chuck Norris once killed an army of 1000 men with 2 shots. The first one was a warning, which they ignored.

Chuck Norris is so fast , he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can hit 11 out of 10 targets with only 9 bullets

Chuck Norris made sand castles when he was a kid--we know them today as the Pyramids

Chuck Norris once gave his horse an uppercut--that's how come we have giraffes today.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the Doctor. Never, ever, slap Chuck Norris.

[IceWizard]

OK ... I just couldn't stand on theses any more ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today".

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink... in fact, this one is on me".

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink, too".

The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water".

"Coming up" says the bartender"

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says "I would like to buy you one, too".

The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water".

"Coming right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor...

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue".

************************************************************


Questions by potential visitors---answers by Aussies .___________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
  Milk is illegal .

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Charon]

I cannot get a pic to post. today. so, i could copy and paste but please not edit this page of Irish sayings. Hard to read cuz i cannot edit.
https://www.funny-jokes.com/jokes/irish_phrases.htm

Irish Speak - Their Funny Ways and Irish PhrasesIrish joke denephew
Irish people speak English; but it's an Irish sort of English, which can take some getting used to. So, if you are going to have any chance making your way round the island, a few helpful tips on the local vocabulary would be helpful.

How To Say Hello
Greetings tend to vary from place to place. In the southeast it might be 'Well, boy'; while up north you might be greeted with 'Bout ye'. In parts of Dublin it could be 'Howyiz', while in County Cork you might be confronted with 'Howsitgoin' boy'? A more rural equivalent is 'How's she cuttin'?' A suitable reply is 'Grand altogether' if you are in good form, or 'Survivin' if not.

Having FunIrish Drinking stories
Irish people like having fun, and have many words to describe this national propensity. Even "fun" has its own word - the crack - spelled craig.

Inebriation and the Irish
Drunkenness, for some strange reason, has a rich lexicon in Ireland. You can be ossified, fluthered, in the horrors, langers, locked, paralytic, plastered, scuttered, stocious, twisted and sozzled, to name but a few - so many different words to mean the same thing.

Miscellaneous Funny Irish Phrases

Wayward children are never naughty - they are bold.

To be tired or broken down is to be banjaxed or knackered.

To procrastinate or delay something is to put it on the long finger.

A sub-standard dwelling is called a kip.

If someone is annoying you, they are blaggarding.

To ask someone to be quiet you might say whisht!

A scratcher is a bed, and the jacks is a toilet.

To emphasise something the word fierce is often used, as in 'fierce hard' [ie difficult] or 'he has a fierce strong accent'. The words quare8or awful can also be used to denote emphasis.

To accomplish something quickly is to do it fairly lively.

Shenanigans refers to intrigue, trickery or hidden manoeuvres designed to effect a certain outcome.Irish Eyes - Up to something

Will and Guy's Top Twenty Funny Irish Phrases

You've got to do your own growing, no matter how tall your grandfather was.

The longest road out is the shortest road home.

The Irish are very fair people; they never speak well for one another.

A quarrel is like buttermilk: once it's out of the churn, the more you shake it, the more sour it grows.

God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

The Irish ignore anything they can't drink or punch.

He is bad that will not take advice, but he is a thousand times worse that takes every advice.

One of the worst things that can happen in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age.

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.

Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to.

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

God is good to the Irish, but no one else is; not even the Irish.

If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.

The Irish forgive their great men when they are safely buried.

Other people have a nationality. The Irish and the Jews have a psychosis.

I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde (He was the master of the Irish phrase)

Thanks to the BBC for help in compiling this material.

Irish Leprechauns

Many cultures have fairies as part of their folklore, but few have little people with such a rich source of humour, funny stories and different guises as leprechauns. To begin with leprechauns are exclusively male which immediately gives them great scope for mischief. Classic Irish phrase for someone who's a bit loopy, or maybe a daydreamer, 'He's away with the fairies'.

Funny Irish Leprechaun Pictures

Examples of Funny Irish Phrases in JokesIrish Irish Phrases in Jokes


One of the best way to explain funny Irish phrases is by way of jokes and tall stories. However, certain words and phrases should never be uttered in Ireland itself, despite the common misperception that they are "typically Irish." They died a death decades ago, if they were ever used at all. Such phrases include bedad and begorrah, top of the morning, or faith, me darling. Calling a woman a "fine colleen" is likely to lead to you getting a kick in the shins.

Bejeezus (And to Be Shure)
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.

When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'

'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'

'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'

About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.

'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

The Fame of Red Adair - Another Example, To Be Shure

At the height of the gulf wars, the expertise of Red Adair (that well known fire fighter) was called upon to go out to the gulf and put out the oil rig fires.

On his way his plane landed in Ireland for an overnight stop so Red took advantage to visit the local bar for a pint of the black stuff. On entering the bar two old Irish boys witnessed him walk in and one said to the other. 'Isn't that Red Adair'? The other replied, 'No'.



The old boy then said, 'I'm sure it is and I'm so shure that I will bet you a pint if I am wrong'. The doubting one said, 'Ok' and they both went over to Red and the one said, 'Are you Red Adair'? to which Red said he was.

The doubting Irishman said, 'Are you still dancing with Ginger Rogers'?

Could be Worse (Begorrah)Irish Story - Unkind cut

I first met O'Reilly when I was in St Peter's Hospital, Chertsey, England. He was in the same ward as me and was lying, quite still, in the bed next to me when I awoke early on that Friday morning.

I was taken aback because he was swathed in bandages from head to toe, with just two little slits for his eyes and this made it difficult to engage him in conversation.

However, later that same day, his best friend, Dermot Callaghan, came in to visit O'Reilly and I listened in to their conversation which went as follows:

'What happened to you?' asked Callaghan.



'I staggered out of The Invincible pub, in Shepperton Road, and a lorry hit me a glancing blow and knocked me through the Co-op's plate glass window,' mumbled O'Reilly.'

'Begorrah,' exclaimed Callaghan in his broad Munster accent, 'It's a good job you were wearing all those bandages or you'd have been cut to ribbons!'

Irishmen Flying High - Begorrah
Two Irishmen hired an open cockpit aeroplane to fly over Dublin on St Patrick's Day. As they were winging their way through the air, O'Toole turned to his friend, Murphy and said, 'Murphy, I'm going to fly upside down.'

'Begorrah, O'Toole', shouted Murphy, 'don't do that, we'll fall out.'

'No we won't,' responded O'Toole, 'I'll still talk to you.'

Short Funny Irish Phrases
So It Would
'Ah, that was a lovely dress,' announced Colleen, 'and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it, so it would.'

Meself
Siobhan followed her husband to the public house, 'How can you come here', she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, 'and drink that awful stuff?'






Will and Guy once knew of a more popular Irish drink in Ireland and almost unknown anywhere else; it was once illegal and is known as poteen. Illegal Irish poteen was an extremely powerful Irish drink [often 90-95%ABV] that only the most hardened drinker in Ireland dared to drink, it was so strong that it's known to cause blindness and sometime even kill people who end up suffering from alcohol poisoning, which was the reason why it was made illegal in Ireland to brew poteen.

Today, however, now legalized, two Irish brands are officially licensed to produce poitìn: Knockeen Hills, and Bunratty,

The Irish Police Force (Garda and Gardaì)Police Humour
This is one of the funniest examples of police humour that Will and Guy have encountered for many a year.

To be sure, your man Prawo Jazdy is a slippery fellow. He's wanted for 50 different driving offences all over Ireland. Now, Prawo is clever because every time we book him, his driving licence has a different address. All the Gardaì in Ireland have a different theory about how this 'Scarlet Pimpernel' escapes the clutches of the law. Finally, the penny dropped, Prawo Jardy is not a Hungarian name, but the Polish words for Driving Licence.

The Garda had caught 53 different Polish drivers, but thought they were dealing with the same man. Naturally, the Polish community in Ireland are having a good laugh about Mr Prawo Jazdy.

*Garda is the Irish Police force, it also means one policeman. Gardaì is the plural, it means more than one police officer.

Old Flame - (Another Example of Gardaì and Garda)
An elderly couple were driving through County Kerry, Ireland. Irene was driving when she got pulled over by two ardai, one of whom asks her, 'Ma'am did you know that you were speeding?'

Irene turns to her husband, Mick and enquires, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells out, 'He says you were speeding!'

The Garda said, 'May I see your license, please ma'am?'



Irene, once again, turns to Mick and says, 'What did he say?'
Once more, Mick, shouts out, 'He wants to see your license!'

Irene gives the policeman her driving license. The Garda retorts, 'I see you are from Kerry. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had.'

For the final time, Irene turns to Mick and asks, 'What did he say?'
Mick yells very loudly, 'He thinks he knows you!'

Two Irishman Meet a Suisse TouristClean Irish Jokes
A Swiss man, on holiday in Dublin, needed directions. He was standing outside Davy Byrne's pub when he saw two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, 'Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?'

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.

'Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?' He tries.

The two continue to stare.

'Parlare Italiano?' Still absolutely no response from the two lads.
'Hablan ustedes Espanol?' The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood. One of the boys turns to the second and says, 'Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!'

''Why?' says the youth, 'That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!'

Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have a funny Irish phrase.

[Charon]

Duck Shoot
Two Irishmen were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which tumbled out of the sky to land at his feet. 'Ah, you should have saved the bullet," said the other. The fall would have killed him, anyway.'

Talking of Ducks... Funny Irish Logic
On the bus Paddy got chatting to Murphy who was carrying a bag on his backWill and Guy's Irish Jokes

'What's in the bag?' asked Paddy
'I'm not going to tell', replied Murphy

'Go on, do.' pleaded Paddy.
'Ah, all right then, it's ducks.' announced Murphy

'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?' enquired Paddy
'Look', said Murphy, 'If you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them.'

'Five!' said Paddy triumphantly.

Where Did the Bridge Go? How Did That Bus Get Stuck There?
Where did the bridge go? Funny bus picture

One Unlikely Explanation of the Bus on the Bridge
Darragh O' Malley was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot maximum headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not.

'A shure I'll give it a go', he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.

Darragh sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Darragh immediately opened.

'What do you think you are doing?' demanded the policeman in a sharp tone.
'Sure I'm having me tea break', replied Darragh.

'And what do you work at?' enquired the policeman.

'Agh shure, I deliver bridges,' smiled Darragh, 'and my lorry has run out of petrol.'

Irish Fishing TripIrish logic - bridge project
Two Irishmen, Declan and Seamus were walking down a country road, when they saw a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. The other man shouted up 'NOW, NOW' to his friend who promptly pulled him up. To Declan & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms.

Declan and Seamus decided to give this plan a try, so they walked on to the next bridge where Declan dangled Seamus over the bridge. After five minutes Seamus started to scream up.

Seamus: 'Declan, Declan PULL ME UP!!'

Declan: 'HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?'

Seamus: 'NO, THERE'S A TRAIN COMINING.'

More Funny Irish Logic
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, 'Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?'

Pat answered, 'Well, I have and I haven't.'

His friend asked, 'Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?'

Pat replied, 'It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us.'

[IceWizard]

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA, says "My answer is, there IS no answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

**************************************************************

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test,the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes,"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,

She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL : Don't mess with the little woman !!!!!!!!


**************************************************************

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first I thought she was joking.

But then, I saw her face.

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Doctor to Lady, during her medical examination:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are all fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

Lady started taking off her clothes . . .

Doctor stopping her: "No! No! Please don't remove your clothes..


JUST SHOW ME YOUR TONGUE!"


**************************************************************


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me..  If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

*******************

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'


*******************


Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'


*******************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.  He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.  'Where are ye callin' from?'


*******************

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York    and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


*******************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!  What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


*******************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning,

Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ........

it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! 
From one unstable person to another...

[Charon]

mad props to the IceWizard for his presentation of humor.

quite a few great ones. the being ready for heaven rite then, aND THE priest saying: drinking water, omG, he has done it again. (turned water into wine as he is a dude whom will party down.)

u find wonderful funnies, Ice. And hi to SO. hope and pray u r continuing to feel better.