Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 5 children, begins to call her "mother of five" rather than by her first name.

The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description.

"Mother of five" he would say "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of five, what's for dinner tonight?"

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out "Hey mother of five, I think it's time to go!"

The wife seized the moment and shouted back "I'll be right with you - father of three!"


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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago..

Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.

Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all & we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief & suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

[IceWizard]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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What do you call a cow that just had a baby? DeCALFeinated 

I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

So I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...I was delighted.

I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They are both purple... except for the chicken.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

What's a Wok?
Something you throw at a Wabbit.

What do you call a bee that produces milk?
Boobee


And with that ... I'll shut up

[Roses]

Really funny jokes Ice they're all good ones

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[IceWizard]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man".

"Well I'll be!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".


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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair!"

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head.

"You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.


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As I was getting in bed, she said "You're drunk".

I said "How do you know?"

She said "You live next door..."

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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City".

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom".

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years".

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom".

"Just a minute" says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results" says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed".


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There were once three Chinese brothers named Bu, Chu and Fu.

One day they decided to stowaway on a ship bound for America to live a better life.

On the way there, Bu said to his brothers "We should change our names to something that sounds more American, or else we will be caught and sent back to China!"

So when they got to America Bu changed his name to Buck.

Chu changed his name to Chuck.

And Fu...

Well he got sent back to China.


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A trucker's wife sees 3 parrots for sale. $150, $100 and $10.

She asks the pet store owner why the last parrot was so cheap.

The pet store owner said that it used to live in a bordello.

The woman laughs and she buys it.

When she gets home, the parrot says "Wow! A new bordello!"

The woman laughs.

When her 2 daughters come home, the parrot says "Wow! 2 new gals!"

They all laugh.

When the husband walks through the door, the parrot says "Joe, you found the new bordello!"

And that's how the fight started!

[IceWizard]

At the National Art Gallery in London, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman, approached the couple and said "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it" he replied.

"In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".


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Mr. Jones is attending a medical conference at London. He goes to reception and finds out from the receptionist that his room is on the fourteenth floor of the building. Exhausted from his long flight from New York City, he immediately proceeds to the elevator.

There, he is greeted by the jolly elevator attendant with a huge smile.
"Good day, Sir. Need a lift?"

"Lift?" Mr. Jones asked in amusement.

"Indeed, Sir" replied the man.

"You mean elevator?" Mr. Jones asked smiling.

The elevator attendant responded "Well yes, Sir. But here, we call it a lift".

"You really should call it an elevator, you know? Because as it was invented in our country, it's called that way" Mr. Jones quipped.

The good attendant gave him a cheeky response
"I hear you, Sir. But as the language was invented here, it's called a lift".


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Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary's house one night when Rocco loses $600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks "Who's going to go and tell the situation to his wife?"

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he's the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem".

He drives over to Rocco's house and knocks on the door. Rocco's wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies "I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost $600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home.
He's asked me to come over here and apologize to you".

Rocco's wife goes crazy and screams "You tell him I said drop dead!"

Ronald doesn't bat an eyelid and says "Okay, I'll go tell him".


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An American, a Canadian and a Japanese were stranded in a deserted island in middle of nowhere.
They understood that until rescues arrived, they will need to work together in order to stay alive on the island.

So they decided to divide up the tasks.

The American points to the Canadian and says: "You will be in charge of building and maintaining a fire".
The Canadian nods.

Then he points to the Japanese and says: "You will be in charge of supplies".
The Japanese nods.

"And I will be in charge of building shelters, we will meet back here by sunset".

They agreed and went off their own ways.

By sunset, the American has built this beautiful sturdy shelter, enough for 3 plus more.

The Canadian created a big steady camp fire all ready to cook whatever they got.

But the Japanese is nowhere to be found.

After a few more hours, night falls and there were still no signs of the Japanese. They got worried and decided to go into the forest to look for him.

They inch slowly towards the forest with cautions because they don't know what wild beasts roam at night.

As soon as they stepped into the forest, a bush rustles, and out jumped the Japanese man screaming "SUPPLIES!!"

[Linville]

  



look how the one dog turns in circles, so funny.

[IceWizard]

"That wife of mine is a liar!" said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley".

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"


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A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.

So, she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting".

The instructor said "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."


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An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap".

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"


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Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him.

Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.
He went to God and said "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing".

God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked.

He turned to God and said "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him...?"

God smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"