07-17-2015, 05:52 PM
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says:
Two Brazilian men have died in a skydiving
accident.
The blonde starts sobbing,"Thats horrible!
So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes, dear, it is sad, but
they were skydiving, and there is always
that risk involved."
After a minute, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"Wat a minute,how many is a brazilian?"
*******************************
The Chilli story Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. The notes are
from an inexperienced chilli taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chilli # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour.
Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell
is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put out the flames. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour; needs
more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the
Barn Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer...
Chilli # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods;
not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across
my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety
chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation
Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at
the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good,
balanced chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry
to see that most of it was lost when Judge #
3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the
chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
note: ..It's really that hot!!
Two Brazilian men have died in a skydiving
accident.
The blonde starts sobbing,"Thats horrible!
So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes, dear, it is sad, but
they were skydiving, and there is always
that risk involved."
After a minute, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"Wat a minute,how many is a brazilian?"
*******************************
The Chilli story Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. The notes are
from an inexperienced chilli taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chilli # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour.
Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell
is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put out the flames. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour; needs
more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the
Barn Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer...
Chilli # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods;
not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across
my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety
chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation
Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at
the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good,
balanced chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry
to see that most of it was lost when Judge #
3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the
chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
note: ..It's really that hot!!
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit