Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing
football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a
personal trainer named Vanessa,
who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
to get started! The club encouraged me to keep
a diary to chart my progress

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed,
but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of
a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing
next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. Very inspiring,
Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole
time she was around. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!



TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door.
Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding
smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY:

The only way that I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe
I have a hernia in both breasts. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally
whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill,
so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other crap too.



THURSDAY:

Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work
out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's
room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine.



FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps -
I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?



SATURDAY:

Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my fist.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended
up catching eleven straight hours of the Shopping Channel.



SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the be-otch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy.