Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

**********



A drug lord learns that one of his most trusted crew members
has skimmed off nearly $500K in cash from his drug operation.

Donnie, the crewman is completely deaf, which was the reason
he got the job in the first place. The boss assumed he would
overhear nothing and so he would never be able to testify in court.

When the boss goes to confront Donnie about his missing money,
he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

He tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where my money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks ,
"Where's the money?"

Donnie signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the drug lord,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about?"

The drug lord pulls out a pistol,
puts it to the Donnie's head and says,
"Ask him again. And this time make it
clear if he doesn't tell me I'll kill him
right here and now!"

The lawyer signs to Donnie once more,
"He's gonna kill you if you don't tell him
where the money is right now."

Donnie looks into the boss's eyes and
sees no way out. Out of options and out of time
he reluctantly signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a waterproof satchel,
buried behind my cousin Pablo's cabin."

The boss raises an eyebrow and asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the  trigger."


**********


A man escapes from a prison where he had
been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money
and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed,
he gets on top of her,
kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone,
the husband tells his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict,
look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail
and has not seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants s3x, don't complain,
don't resist, and do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he
disgusts you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he would kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you. "

His wife responds,
"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him, it is in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!"




**********



As a drunk man is walking home from the bar

He gets sick,
leans against a wall and pukes.
Some of it gets on his shirt and
now the man worries that his wife
will know he was a drunk mess tonight.

But then he gets a bright idea and
puts $20 in his shirt pocket.

When he arrives home his wife
looks at him and says,
"look at you! did you puke on yourself?
Now take off your close and ill wash them,
why is there $20 in your shirt pocket?

"He tells her,
"Well honey actually a passerby accidentally
puked on me and he felt so bad that he gave
me $20 for the dry cleaning."

"That was nice of him,
and why is there $50 in your pants pocket?"

"Because he also shlt in my pants too."