Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

An Elderly Man in Louisiana,
He owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
"We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned and said,
"I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm just here to feed the alligator..."





*****



An Older Lady Goes to the Bar on a Cruise Ship

She orders a Scotch
with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
“I’m on this cruise to celebrate
my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says,
“Well, since it’s your birthday,
I’ll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink,
the woman to her right says,
“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender,
I want a Scotch
with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,”
says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink,
the man to her left says,
“I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender,
I want another Scotch
with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,”
the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,
“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity,
why the Scotch with only
two drops of water?”

The old woman replies,
“Sonny, when you’re my age,
you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water,
however, is a whole other issue.”





*****


A Mormon Was Seated Next to an Irishman
They were on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey,
which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon
if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust,
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back
to the attendant and said,
"Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


*****



A woman marries a man and has 10 children.

The man dies,
so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The next man dies,
so the woman remarries again and has 10 more children.

That man dies,
so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and
finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters,
"Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left,
“Which husband do you think he means?
The first, the second, the third, the fourth?”

The man on his left says,
“I think he means her legs.”