Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Some Oldies


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean
section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in
Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be
eight (brilliant)

AND THE BEST IS LAST:::

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

---

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,"You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"

I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"

She said "Yea, I got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
(Cost me 6 stitches.)

***********

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said,"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."


***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by
feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Must have been yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.


***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."


When you are over sixty, who gives a damn!!

---

Management Lessons




AUSTRALIAN WAY

Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in southern Queensland, was doing some personal work on her own family tree.

She discovered that Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common
ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne
Gaol 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the
Melbourne-Geelong train six times. Caught
by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy e-mailed Prime Minister Rudd for
information about their great-great uncle.
Remus Rudd:

Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire
grew to include acquisition of valuable
equestrian assets and intimate dealings with
the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years
of his life to government service, finally
taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital
investigation run by the Victoria Police Force.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."


Now THAT'S how it's done, Folks!
Really masterful POLITICAL SPIN.