Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had
previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to
“Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?”
said the puzzled groom.
“How can that be possible, if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.”

“Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function;
but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.”

“Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said that everything checked out diagnostically
but he just couldn’t get the system up.”

“Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order,
he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.”

“Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and
design a new state-of-the- art method.”

“Husband #6 was from Administration;
he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure
whether it was his job or not.”

“Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.”

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he did was about it.”

“Husband #9 was a Gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.”

“Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector;
all he ever did was……….. God I miss him !!”

“But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”…

“Wonderful”, said the husband,
“but why ?

“You’re with the “GOVERNMENT”
“This time I KNOW I’M gonna get SCREWED.”


*****


The new young priest is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions,
then the older priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests,
"Cross you arms over your chest, and
rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests,
"Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on'
and 'I understand,'
'How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest practices, saying these phrases.

The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee,
and saying 'No sh!t?!?
What happened next?"


*****


Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman
flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.

A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said,
"My wife is drowning and I can't swim.
Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman,
put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said,
"Look, when I saw her going down for the third time,
I thought it was my wife.
But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,
"Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"


*****


A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly,
also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the
evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,"
the general said.
"Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock,
the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom,
pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake,
strode around the other side of the bed,
spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said,
"OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

.....And that's when the fight started !