Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

The president Bush steps out for a breath of air in the dead of winter.

Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees
“The President Must Go”
written in urine across the snow.

He’s pretty ticked off and storms into the office of his security staff.

“Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn!”
he yells.
“And they wrote it in urine!  S.O.B. had to be standing right on the porch when he did it!
Where were you?!”

The security guys stay stare ashamedly at the floor.

“Well, dammit, don’t just sit there!
Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! 
I want an answer, and I want it
TONIGHT!”

The entire staff jumps up and races for the exits.

Later that evening, the chief security officer approaches the president and says,
“Well, sir, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news.
Which do you want first?”

“Oh hell, give me the bad news first.”

“Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.
The results just came back, and it belongs to the
Vice President.”

“Oh my god, I feel so betrayed!
My own Vice President!  Damn! 
Well, what’s the really bad news?”

“Well, sir, it’s in the
First Lady’s handwriting.”


**********


A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.

He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife,
“Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says,
“Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says,
“Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him,
“You’ve been out golfing all day! 
Is that all you’re going to do tonight?  Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? 
You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says,
“It’s started…”


**********


My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

So I asked her,
“Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk,
loses so many balls other groups are always playing through,
tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally
offends everyone around him on the course?”

“Certainly not, dear,”
she replied.

“Well, neither would he.”


**********


There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;

If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart