Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Political speeches are like steer horns:
a point here, a point there, and
a lot of bull in between.

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can’t make him think.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Why don’t politicians listen to their conscience?
They don’t like taking advice from complete strangers.

It’s sometimes so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians
have their hands in their own pockets.

Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.

Which English king invented the fireplace?
Alfred the Grate.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

I know a man so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, at a restaurant,
they ask for the money up front.

A farmer friend of mine was telling me he's managed to cross a chicken with a cow.
Sounds like a rooster and bull story to me.

I can't help being lazy. I've been told it's hereditary.
It walks in the family.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago
and I’ve never looked back since.

My friend asked me if I was ready to go to the nudist colony.
I was born ready.

There's a special place in h3ll reserved for the inventor of auto-correct.

My only talent is sleeping.
I could do it with my eyes closed.

Does a Transformer need car insurance or life insurance?

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.
Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?
The infantry.

Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely.

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it.
You guys didn't like it.

What's the opposite of irony?
Wrinkly.

I was kidnapped by mimes once.
They did unspeakable things to me.

Got a PS5 for my little brother.
Best trade I've ever done!

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.

I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner.
All it was doing was gathering dust!

When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils…they dilate.

A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.

You know there's no official training for trash collectors?
They just pick things up as they go along.

I'm thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.
I wonder how many people are in that field.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?
Bernadette.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead-lifting.

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting,
"Why did the chicken cross the road!?"
It was a running joke.

An old hermit was arrested after driving a hundred miles an hour,
the charge was recluse driving.