It's all in the Way You Say Things
A Chinese woman walked into the currency exchange in New York
with 200,000 Yuan and walked out with $29,100.
The following week, she walked in with another 200,000 Yuan,
and was handed $28,900.
She asked the teller,
"Why I get less money this week than last week?"
The teller replied "Fluctuations".
The Chinese woman stormed out and,
before she slammed the door, turned around and shouted
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
**********
Retirement
Retirement is the beginning of the time when you can sit back
and give advice to others, even though you
never followed it in your own life.
Old age, fragile bones, doctor visits, medical checkups and a weak bladder –
are you still looking forward to retirement?
The funny thing about retirement is that it makes you realize
the importance of medical insurance.
Remember all those things that you wanted to do in your life,
but didn’t because you never had the time?
Don’t plan on doing them after your retirement either –
you will either be too old or too poor to afford them now.
Congratulations for gaining two new best friends upon your retirement.
Their names are Bed and Couch.
You will be hanging out with them a lot.
Doing the things you always wanted to do is not the real challenge of retirement.
Remembering them is the real challenge.
Until now, when you slacked at work your boss shouted at you.
Now when you slack at household chores, your wife will shout at you.
Happy retirement.
Consider yourself officially and truly retired on the day
you don’t feel like changing your underwear.
Retirement marks the transition from working under one boss
to a new one called WIFE.
Being retired is the only time in your life when you won’t mind
if you don’t get a holiday.
Consider this an extended vacation that never ends…
Only you don’t get paid days off.
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work.
So I do it three or four times a day.
**********
Hearing Problems?
An old fella had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
**********
Deep Thoughts
What if your dog realized you contain loads of bones?
The first parents ever to have identical twins must
have been really confused.
The Titanic’s sinking was a true miracle to the lobsters
in the kitchens.
When you clap, you hit yourself repeatedly because you like it.
I wonder what name my dog would choose for me.
Our stomachs believe all potatoes are mashed potatoes.
Does my dog take me for a hypocrite because
I crap in the house?
The outer Space is really just an hour away, I wonder if my
Toyota could make it straight up.
How come caretaker and caregiver describe the same person?
When you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about
rent/food bills for several years –
regardless of whether you get caught or not.
Chances are, good looking nurses and doctors never get
accurate blood pressure level readings from their patients
of the opposite gender.
(Tried to ask my new nurse about this, but I was breathing
too hard.)
A spider builds its home from its body products.
If a human wanted to achieve the same, they’d literally
have to crap bricks.
Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups
so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.
“Where are you?”
is a question that’s never been asked in sign language.
My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch'.
My lips do touch when I say the word 'separate'.
(You're checking aren't you)
No-one has ever been in an empty room.
I myself have never been to
India, China or Bangladesh.
But roughly 70 percent of all my belongings have.
It is impossible to dig half of a hole.
If you were born butt first, there was a brief moment
when you wore your mom as a hat.
**********
The Old Sage
There once was a wise old man in a village.
Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature
and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.
Many came to him with questions, until one day he took
a vow of silence, shuttering his open door.
Instead, he turned to his untended field.
He would work the land, pushing his own plough, forgoing a horse.
After years in silence, his hands grown tough from seasons of sowing,
his old bones gave out.
He collapsed in silence in his field, before eventually being found
by the townsfolk.
He was quickly brought by the townsfolk to the local doctor.
The townsfolk held their breath as they left him alone with the
wise old man, hoping that he would be able to help a mute.
A few moments later, the doctor emerged from the house,
grabbing a small section of cloth, tearing it up, and inserting it in each nostril.
The townsfolk, concerned, asked what was wrong.
The doctor replied,
"The super calloused fragile mystic reeks of halitosis!"
A Chinese woman walked into the currency exchange in New York
with 200,000 Yuan and walked out with $29,100.
The following week, she walked in with another 200,000 Yuan,
and was handed $28,900.
She asked the teller,
"Why I get less money this week than last week?"
The teller replied "Fluctuations".
The Chinese woman stormed out and,
before she slammed the door, turned around and shouted
"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
**********
Retirement
Retirement is the beginning of the time when you can sit back
and give advice to others, even though you
never followed it in your own life.
Old age, fragile bones, doctor visits, medical checkups and a weak bladder –
are you still looking forward to retirement?
The funny thing about retirement is that it makes you realize
the importance of medical insurance.
Remember all those things that you wanted to do in your life,
but didn’t because you never had the time?
Don’t plan on doing them after your retirement either –
you will either be too old or too poor to afford them now.
Congratulations for gaining two new best friends upon your retirement.
Their names are Bed and Couch.
You will be hanging out with them a lot.
Doing the things you always wanted to do is not the real challenge of retirement.
Remembering them is the real challenge.
Until now, when you slacked at work your boss shouted at you.
Now when you slack at household chores, your wife will shout at you.
Happy retirement.
Consider yourself officially and truly retired on the day
you don’t feel like changing your underwear.
Retirement marks the transition from working under one boss
to a new one called WIFE.
Being retired is the only time in your life when you won’t mind
if you don’t get a holiday.
Consider this an extended vacation that never ends…
Only you don’t get paid days off.
I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work.
So I do it three or four times a day.
**********
Hearing Problems?
An old fella had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and
the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect.Your family must be
really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied,
"Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!"
**********
Deep Thoughts
What if your dog realized you contain loads of bones?
The first parents ever to have identical twins must
have been really confused.
The Titanic’s sinking was a true miracle to the lobsters
in the kitchens.
When you clap, you hit yourself repeatedly because you like it.
I wonder what name my dog would choose for me.
Our stomachs believe all potatoes are mashed potatoes.
Does my dog take me for a hypocrite because
I crap in the house?
The outer Space is really just an hour away, I wonder if my
Toyota could make it straight up.
How come caretaker and caregiver describe the same person?
When you rob a bank, you can stop worrying about
rent/food bills for several years –
regardless of whether you get caught or not.
Chances are, good looking nurses and doctors never get
accurate blood pressure level readings from their patients
of the opposite gender.
(Tried to ask my new nurse about this, but I was breathing
too hard.)
A spider builds its home from its body products.
If a human wanted to achieve the same, they’d literally
have to crap bricks.
Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups
so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.
“Where are you?”
is a question that’s never been asked in sign language.
My lips don't touch when I say the word 'touch'.
My lips do touch when I say the word 'separate'.
(You're checking aren't you)
No-one has ever been in an empty room.
I myself have never been to
India, China or Bangladesh.
But roughly 70 percent of all my belongings have.
It is impossible to dig half of a hole.
If you were born butt first, there was a brief moment
when you wore your mom as a hat.
**********
The Old Sage
There once was a wise old man in a village.
Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature
and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.
Many came to him with questions, until one day he took
a vow of silence, shuttering his open door.
Instead, he turned to his untended field.
He would work the land, pushing his own plough, forgoing a horse.
After years in silence, his hands grown tough from seasons of sowing,
his old bones gave out.
He collapsed in silence in his field, before eventually being found
by the townsfolk.
He was quickly brought by the townsfolk to the local doctor.
The townsfolk held their breath as they left him alone with the
wise old man, hoping that he would be able to help a mute.
A few moments later, the doctor emerged from the house,
grabbing a small section of cloth, tearing it up, and inserting it in each nostril.
The townsfolk, concerned, asked what was wrong.
The doctor replied,
"The super calloused fragile mystic reeks of halitosis!"
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit