12-28-2020, 08:45 PM
hehehehehe!!
Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign,
and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance
verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says,
"I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat
pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.
That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a damned thing..."
******************
This is how lotteries really work
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I got some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked,
"What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a
profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2.00 back."
******************************
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas
when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian
would shout out a wild
"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final
"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?"
asked the service station attendant.
"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms
around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I
wouldn't fall off,"
the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said,
"Indians don't use saddles."
*******************************
One day a hunter was out duck hunting when a
Texas Game Warden rolls up on him.
Game Warden:
“What’s going on buddy? Looks like you hunting some ducks, huh?
Looking down at the dead duck pile near him
Hunter: Nervous
“Yes Sir.”
Game Warden:
Picks up one of the ducks and sticks his finger in its butt then smells it
“This is a Texas duck here boy...you got a Texas duck license to
hunt a Texas duck boy?”
Hunter:
“Um, Yes Sir.”
Takes out his wallet and fumbles through it and pulls out a
Texas duck license and hands it to the warden.
Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over
“Alright son looks like you good on that one”
Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in
its butt then take a long whiff . “
This is a Oklahoma duck you got here boy...
you got a Oklahoma duck license for this duck boy?”
Hunter:
“Um...Yes Sir...”
Nervously fumbles through his wallet, pulls out a license and
looks at it then hands it to the game warden.
Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over
“I’ll be damned, Ok boy, you got it.”
Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in
its butt then take a long whiff
“Aww boy... this is a... Canadian duck.........you got a
Canadian duck license for this here duck boy?”
Hunter:
Scratches his head, fumbles through his wallet pulls one out,
looks at it, puts it back, pulls another, looks at it hard then
hands it over to the game warden
“Um...Yes...Sir”
Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over, looks it over again.
“Hot Damn Boy! You got a valid license for all theses ducks.
Where the hell you from boy?
Hunter:
Turns around and pulls down his pants....
“Why don’t you tell me?”
****************
A man and his son recently moved to Texas.
One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park.
During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.
“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”
The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very
nice language to use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells,
“Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says,
“I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it
again, or else…”
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and
once again the child yells,
“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”
“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in
his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to
speaking like Shakespeare wrote.
This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another
walk through the park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.
The boy turns to his father and says:
“Father, what strange men are these,
whose balls hang in parentheses.”
******************
Typical Texan baby boy
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar
as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan
baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around,
and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says,
“Say, you’re the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed
twenty pounds at birth, aren’t you?
How much does the baby weigh now?”
The proud father answers,
“Fifteen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled.
“Why? What happened? He already weighed
twenty pounds at birth.”
The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans over to the bartender and proudly announces,
“Had him circumcised.”
**********************
A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer.
The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international
festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy
from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground
garage and safely parked it.
Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said,
''Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on
Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M,
a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests
all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater, Texas .
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole Texas boy replied,
''Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07
and expect it to be there when I return?''
and gets pulled over by a local policeman.
Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance
verification, plus his concealed carry permit.
"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says,
"I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"
"Yes, I am."
"Well then, better tell me what you got."
Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat
pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."
"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"
"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.
That's about it."
"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"
"Nope."
"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"
"Not a damned thing..."
******************
This is how lotteries really work
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old
farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry, but I got some bad news.
The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked,
"What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a
profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his $2.00 back."
******************************
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas
when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian
would shout out a wild
"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final
"Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.
"Why was that Indian so excited?"
asked the service station attendant.
"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms
around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I
wouldn't fall off,"
the woman answered.
"Lady," the attendant said,
"Indians don't use saddles."
*******************************
One day a hunter was out duck hunting when a
Texas Game Warden rolls up on him.
Game Warden:
“What’s going on buddy? Looks like you hunting some ducks, huh?
Looking down at the dead duck pile near him
Hunter: Nervous
“Yes Sir.”
Game Warden:
Picks up one of the ducks and sticks his finger in its butt then smells it
“This is a Texas duck here boy...you got a Texas duck license to
hunt a Texas duck boy?”
Hunter:
“Um, Yes Sir.”
Takes out his wallet and fumbles through it and pulls out a
Texas duck license and hands it to the warden.
Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over
“Alright son looks like you good on that one”
Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in
its butt then take a long whiff . “
This is a Oklahoma duck you got here boy...
you got a Oklahoma duck license for this duck boy?”
Hunter:
“Um...Yes Sir...”
Nervously fumbles through his wallet, pulls out a license and
looks at it then hands it to the game warden.
Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over
“I’ll be damned, Ok boy, you got it.”
Quickly picks up another one of his ducks and sticks his finger in
its butt then take a long whiff
“Aww boy... this is a... Canadian duck.........you got a
Canadian duck license for this here duck boy?”
Hunter:
Scratches his head, fumbles through his wallet pulls one out,
looks at it, puts it back, pulls another, looks at it hard then
hands it over to the game warden
“Um...Yes...Sir”
Game Warden:
Takes the license and looks it over, looks it over again.
“Hot Damn Boy! You got a valid license for all theses ducks.
Where the hell you from boy?
Hunter:
Turns around and pulls down his pants....
“Why don’t you tell me?”
****************
A man and his son recently moved to Texas.
One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park.
During the walk the boy sees 2 cowboys walk by.
“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”
The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very
nice language to use.
A few minutes later, 2 more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells,
“Dad, look at those bow legged bastards!”
The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says,
“I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it
again, or else…”
Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and
once again the child yells,
“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”
“That’s it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in
his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.
Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to
speaking like Shakespeare wrote.
This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another
walk through the park.
As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.
The boy turns to his father and says:
“Father, what strange men are these,
whose balls hang in parentheses.”
******************
Typical Texan baby boy
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar
as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan
baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around,
and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says,
“Say, you’re the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed
twenty pounds at birth, aren’t you?
How much does the baby weigh now?”
The proud father answers,
“Fifteen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled.
“Why? What happened? He already weighed
twenty pounds at birth.”
The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,
leans over to the bartender and proudly announces,
“Had him circumcised.”
**********************
A Cowboy from Ft. Worth, Texas walked into a bank in New York City and
asked for the loan officer.
The Cowboy told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international
festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the old cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The ole cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized
for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy
from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground
garage and safely parked it.
Two weeks later, the ole cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said,
''Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on
Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni From Texas A&M,
a highly sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests
all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around
Sweetwater, Texas .
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole Texas boy replied,
''Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07
and expect it to be there when I return?''
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit