Humorous Smilies

[Popster]

Free Hugs.....to the death!!!!!

[IceWizard]

Why... Why... Why...

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

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[willie33]

So funny, Ice. I especially liked the last one!

[IceWizard]

Willie... That monkey might be on to something! I think I may try "slinging a little feces" at the dern thang....

GREAT!! Works fine now...

Ice

[Linville]

[IceWizard]

Why is everybody picking only on blond women? There are plenty of blond men who fall into the "dumb blond" category as well.

Here are some examples:

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"



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A blonde man is in jail;

the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".



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An Italian tourist asks a blonde man:

"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."



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Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."



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A woman phoned her blond male neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday!"

The blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you, because I wasn't even at home yesterday!”



For those not 'versed' with FaceBook

For those of my generation who do not use and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me exercising, getting a haircut, taking things apart in my living room, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook!

I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

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Can the resession get much worse!?

Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% on any fixed deposits, our Superannuation is stuffed..

Obama and Biden are running round looking up their arses for things to tax/save for the upcoming budget.

Woe, woe, this recession is hitting everybody really hard.

Things couldn’t be much worse:

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,

I called the Suicide Hotline:

I got a call centre in Iran, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck....

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[IceWizard]

First Day at the Nude Beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother :

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!!"

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With a possible Hillary Clinton win in the upcoming US election, remodelling drafts for Air Force One  have already been put forward.....

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[IceWizard]

Here's Something to Think About

If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!



Wow... What a Country!

I met this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai.

I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.

She got excited and said: "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"

Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said :

666136429....



One for the Irish

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

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[willie33]

So funny, Ice and Linville!

[Spanky]

Great one Ice, cracked me up.

Spank

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Lin, One of the funniest I've ever seen.  Hope that poor lady is his wife or sister.  That's not good either, but probably better than a stranger.  Lettuce for her tonight.

Spank

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So many great ones have been told, hope I'm not repeating:

Three quick ones:

(No offense to Nootropic friends, just a joke my mom told me about 50 years ago)

Guy come into town selling "smart pills".
Farmer shells out the money, takes a few, looks them over.  "Why, these are just rabbit droppings," he says.
"See!" exclaims the salesman.  "They're working already"

What do you call a boomerang that won't returen?
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A stick.

Did you here about the cannibal who got so frustrated he threw up his arms?


Spankster