Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

The Lawyer and the Devil

An ambitious young lawyer was in her office late one night when the Devil appeared.

He said,"I have a proposition for you. I will make you the best lawyer in the world. You will win every case. Your colleagues will be in awe. You will be rich and famous and everyone will love you because you are so smart and so talented."

She said,"So what do you get out of the deal?"
He said,"All I want In return is, I want the souls of your husband, your kids, your parents, your grandparents and everyone in the world you love!"

The lawyer looked at the devil and replied,
"So whats the catch?"

The Meaning of "Aplomb" ....

For those who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly:

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and
I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

"Aplomb," My Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would
say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little
confused."

His Lordship proceeded to explain: "Let me
give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them,"said the butler.

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do
you remember when Wills plucked a rose for
Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord,
ministering to their needs,"said the butler.

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded
itself in his thumb,"said his Lordship.

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw
the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty
handkerchief,"said the butler.

"That evening the wound that the rose made on his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut up his venison even though it was extremely tender,"said his Lordship.

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that
transpired that evening,"said the butler.

"And do you remember the next morning
while you were pouring coffee for Her
Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice,
'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of
coffee? THAT, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb".

[willie33]

[IceWizard]

Willie... That sign about the airport "screening" is sooooo freakin true... But funny....

[IceWizard]

Aladdan

Aladdin: "Genie, I've got my first wish."

Genie: "Alright, let's hear it."

Aladdin: "I want Princess Jasmine to lust for
me non-stop."

Genie: "Uh-uh, I can't make anyone fall in
love with anybody they don't want to"

Aladdin: "No. Not love... Lust. Like, she wants to bang me all the time, day and night. No love
required!"

Genie: "Oh...come on. That's pretty much the
same thing!"

Aladdin: "I live on the streets and my best
friend is the monkey from Outbreak, you think I'm ready for a steady girlfriend?"

Genie: "Think you're pretty clever, getting
around my rule, huh? Well let's see you
break the other two:
I won't bring anyone back from the dead
or grant you more wishes!"

Aladdin: "Okay, I accept I can't bring people
back from the dead. Instead, I wish for you
to go back in time and grant everyone I ever
cared about complete immortality, so that
they never died in the first place."

Genie: "Dammit!... FINE. Done. You're down
to your last wish now!!"

Aladdin. "Better make it a good one."

Genie,"Remember: you can't wish for more wishes."

Aladdin: "Ok...I wish for more genies."

[Linville]

willie33 & IceWizard you guys have a regular ole contest going on just like the kind I remember getting into with an old friend...thx you guys and gals these are great laughs......good for the health ..

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious  ..........(represents my approval, like you need it, hah hahh)

[Linville]

[willie33]

[IceWizard]

Redneck Security System
.
.
.
Out of Desperation

So, I'm driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life.

My family's messed up lives, my friends'
messed up lives, and on top of all that what's happening in Paris, Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Obama, Trump,

The News, the downgrading of our military, Syrian refugees, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, drugs and what they are doing to people, not to mention how I'm going to make the bills and mortgage at the end of the month.

As I'm driving I spot a sign! I saw a sign
nailed to a pole that said:::
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

I thought, I was just asking for help, is this one of those signs from God that we ask for but miss because we're so jaded?

Is HE sending help and I'm just gonna drive right by it??

Hell No! Out of curiosity and desperation, I pull into my driveway, run inside and I called the
number.........................


A Mexican guy showed up with a lawnmower and some tools.
.
.
.
An Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second
black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first
one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He
respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”,said the 2nd man

First man,”What happened to her?”

Second man,“She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her!”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She
was trying to help my wife when the dog
turned on her.”

A very poignant and touching moment of
brotherhood and silence passed between
the two men.

After a bit the first man said,"In that case, can I borrow the dog"

“Get in line!!"

[Linville]

some great funnies going around....willie33 love some of those picture captioned ones....

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Modern Art.?

(Any child can, right?)

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the rest.....oops 

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[willie33]

Static electricity: 1
Cat: 0


Old people problems


How REAL men get in their car


Elephant with a car fetish