Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Yeah... I fingered out a way to stick those memes together, add a
non copyrighted tune and crop them before I resized them ...

Got the idea from a "Terry Soloman" ..

Keeps me off the streets

Ice

[Charon]

[Charon]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'

Sending a written message, the captain replied:
'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.
Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'

Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'
'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

[Charon]

One night a man is driving down and old country road.
He comes across what looks like a Catholic mission in the middle of nowhere. On an old hand-written sign he sees "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution".


He's been on a bit of a dry spell so he thinks, "What the hell, I gotta see this!"


He pulls over and knocks on the door. A young, beautiful sister in her 20's comes to the door and asks what he needs. He tells her he saw the sign and was interested.


The sister blushes, and says to come in. The guy is thinking this is gonna be great. He asks her how much and she just says, go through this door and follow the signs.


So he goes through the door and sees a sign that says "Deposit $20.00" next to a hole in the wall. He does so, and another door unlocks. He proceeds through it to see another sign that says the same.


After 3 more of these rooms he's getting impatient when he walks through the final door, he finds himself outside with a sign near the parking area that reads, " Congratulations, you've just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy!"

[Charon]

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”
He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

[IceWizard]

[Charon]

Book Title: Fifty Yard Dash to the Outhouse
Written by: Wilie Makeit

Illustrated by: Betty Wont

Other books in the series:

Yellow River by I.P. Freely

Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly

[IceWizard]

"Antlers in the Treetops"

by HooGoose the Moose

[NovemberRain]

Thank you! These are all hilarious!

'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'
HA! HA! HA!  
    
    

“Which one?”
“William.”

BA! HA! HA! HA! HA! 

[IceWizard]