Humorous Smilies

[Charon]

Monty python! My sister and i still have the good ones memorized.

Also, look on youtube for The Dead Parrot sketch. An absolute classic.

Ice included above the Argument Clinic.

And also check out: State your claim. Just do a g 00 gle search. Here are the lyrics cuz we grew up listening to them on records. Records.

Stake Your Claim


Game Show Host (John Cleese): Good evening and welcome to 'Stake Your Claim'. First this evening we have with us Mr Norman Voles of Gravesend who claims he wrote all Shakespeare's works. Mr Voles, I understand you claim that you wrote all those plays normally attributed to Shakespeare?

Voles (Michael Palin): That is correct. I wrote all his plays and my wife and I wrote his sonnets.

Host: Mr Voles, these plays are known to have been performed in the early 17th century. How old are you, Mr Voles?

Voles: 43.

Host: Well, how is it possible for you to have written plays performed over 300 years before you were born?

Voles: Ah well. This is where my claim falls to the ground.

Host: Ah!

Voles: There's no possible way of answering that argument, I'm afraid. I was only hoping you would not make that particular point, but I can see you're more than a match for me!

Host: Mr Voles, thank you very much for coming along.

Voles: My pleasure.

Host: Next we have Mr Bill Wymiss who claims to have built the Taj Mahal.

Wymiss (Eric Idle): No.

Host: I'm sorry?

Wymiss: No. No.

Host: I thought you cla...

Wymiss: Well I did but I can see I won't last a minute with you.

Host: Next...

Wymiss: I was right!

Host: ... we have Mrs Mittelschmerz of Dundee who cla... Mrs Mittelschmerz, what is your claim?

Mittelschmerz (Graham Chapman): That I can burrow through an elephant.

Host: (Pause) Now you've changed your claim, haven't you. You know we haven't got an elephant.

Mittelschmerz: (Insincerely) Oh, haven't you? Oh dear!

Host: You're not fooling anybody, Mrs Mittelschmerz. In your letter you quite clearly claimed that... er ... you could be thrown off the top of Beachy Head into the English Channel and then be buried.

Mittelschmerz: No, you can't read my writing.

Host: It's typed.

Mittelschmerz: It says 'elephant'.

Host: Mrs Mittelschmerz, this is an entertainment show, and I'm not prepared to simply sit here bickering. Take her away, Heinz!

Mittelschmerz: Here, no, leave me alone!

(Sound of wind and sea).

Mittelschmerz: Oooaaahh! (SPLOSH)

[IceWizard]

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new
fifty-cent piece was being issued to
honor two great American patriots.

On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt
and on the other side, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin,
the spokesman replied,
“Now, when you toss a coin,
you can simply call ‘Teds’ or ‘Hales.’”

**********





**********

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What cha Gonna Do





**********





**********


One day, in this smallish town, the Catholic Church's bell ringer died.

The guy across the street immediately applied for the job..

The Priest looked him over and said,
"I appreciate your willingness to step
up, however, you have no arms in which to ring the bell."

The man replied,
"But I can do it , please you give me the chance!"

The Priest said,
"Well it's almost 3 pm, I'll see what you can do."

They both climbed the bell tower and when they got to the top,
the man said,
"Step back!"

And ran face first into the large bell!

"Brung!" Went the bell

His right eye closed shut as he backed up again..
And before the Priest could stop him, he again ran face first into the large bell!

"Brung!" Went the bell

This time his left closed up tight as he again backed up and
sped toward the bell...

However, with both of his eyes swollen shut, he missed the whole bell and
went flying out of the bell tower and hit the street below!

The Priest hurried down, only to find a crowd gathered
and a policeman there.

Oh coarse he had passed on and the policeman needed to know who he was.

He asked the Priest,
"Excuse me, but do you know this man?"

The Priest looked at the man and said,
"No.... But his face rings a bell"


The next day, the guy's twin brother applied for the same job..

Again, he ran twice face first into the bell, only to miss on the third try.

The Priest went down to another crowd and the same policeman who again asked,
"Well Father, do you know THIS man?"

The Priest looked at the guy and said,
"Not really, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[coffeedude22]

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg

[IceWizard]

Dr. Patient relationships

A doctor is having s3x with his patient

His good conscience pops up,
"You should be ashamed of yourself!"

His bad conscience responds,
"Oh don't worry about it. I'm sure lots of doctors
have s3x with their patients"

Good conscience,
"Yeah, but they are not veterinarians."

[Charon]

 

   

[IceWizard]

Hilarious!!! ...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why
he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer
it would be rude for me to."

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

This Amish lady was driving her buggy into town
when a highway patrol officer pulled her over.

He said,
"I'm not going to cite you, but I noticed that your
reflector was damaged and that may cause an
accident."

She said,
Thank thee, I shall have my husband
take care of that as soon as I get home."

The officer said,
"As I'm looking around, I noticed that one
of your reigns were wrapped around the
horse's testicals, you might have your
husband look at that as well."

She said,
I thank thee, I will tell him as soon as
I return home."

When she got back home, she told her husband
about the broken reflector. He said that he would
repair that right now.

Then she said,
"The officer also said that there was something
wrong with the emergency brake."


**********





**********

Seniors, Don't you just love em!

[IceWizard]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a fatty, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey,
“Hey! what are you doing?”

The monkey says,
“Smoking a fatty, come up and join me,
my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey
and they have another fatty. After a while the lizard
says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a
drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans
too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims
over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard,
“What’s the matter with you?!”

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,
smoking a fatty with his new monkey friend. He then explained how
his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went
to get a drink from the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out.

He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting,
finishing yet another fatty.

He looks up and says,
“Hey, MONKEY!”



The Monkey looks down and says,

“DAAAAAANNNGGG , DUDE…….
how much water did you drink?”



**********


Seems like we have gangster turkeys down here

[IceWizard]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I
accompany her to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most guys, I found
shopping boring and just wanted to get in and out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife like most
love to browse the aisles.

Yesterday, my dear wife received the
following letter from our local Walmart.



Dear Ms. Harris,

Over the past 6 months, your husband has caused
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate
this kind of behavior so we have been forced to ban
you both from our store. Our complaints against your
husband are listed below and are documented by
store surveillance videos.



June 15

He took 24 boxes of condoms and placed them in
other people's carts when they were not looking.



July 2

Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
in 5 minute intervals.



July 7

He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
to the Women's restroom.



July 19

Walked up to an employee and in an official voice and said,
"Code 3 in housewares, get right on it.

(This cause the employee to leave her station and receive a reprimand
from her supervisor, that in turn resulted in a union grievance causing
management to lose time and costing the company money)



August 14

Moved a "CAUTION WET FLOOR" sign
to a carpeted area.


August 15

Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers that he would invite them if they brought blankets and pillows
from the housewares department, to which 20 children obliged.


August 23

When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and yelled,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone!"

EMT's were called


September 4

Looked right into the security camera and used it like a mirror
to pick his nose.


September 10

While handling guns in the sporting goods department he asked the clerk
where he could find the antidepressants.



October 3

Darted around the store suspiciously, while humming
'Mission Impossible'.


October 6

In the Auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'  by
using different sized funnels.


October 18

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed he yelled,
'Pick Me, Pick Me'.


October 21

When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed
the fetal position and screamed

"OH NO, IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"



And last but not least



October 23

Went into the fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile
and yelled very loudly,

"Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!!"