Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

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[willie33]

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[Charon]

Wonderful willie.


When I was a kid, my parents would say "excuse my French" after they said a swear word. I will never forget the day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.





It was a quiet morning in September 2053, when John awoke with a need to go to the bathroom. To John this just wasn't any ordinary day! This was the day that he would open the last package of toilet paper his parents bought in 2020.





Why did the pig get the job at the cafeteria?

He was excellent at bacon.





A termite walks into the bar and asks.... Is the bar tender here?





A husband takes his wife to the nightclub. There is a guy there on the dancefloor going buts, he is doing backflips, breakdancing and moonwalking. The wife turns to her husband and says "see that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down". The husband says "looks like he is still celebrating."





Me: "I am surprised at how winded I am from this exercise."

Personal trainer: "This was just a tour of the gym"

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

There was a new preacher who wanted to rent a house in the country.

The only house available was rumored to be haunted.
Since the preacher didn't believe in such things, he rented it.

It wasn't long before the ghost made its appearance.
The preacher told his friends about the ghost,
but they didn't believe him.

They told him the only way they would believe was if he
would take a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost.
When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and
asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken.
The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't visible,
feeling very disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost.

When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and
wanted to know why the ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied
"Well, I guess the spirit was willing,
but the flash was weak".

**********






Birb on Bird gang violence


**********

[Mr. HIND]

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[Charon]

   

[IceWizard]

A few ... Quickies



Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.


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End Of Man

Two aliens in space looking at planet Earth, dead and empty.

First alien:
“So how did all the earthlings die?”

Second alien:
“They used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out.”


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What You See, Is What You Get !


Just saw on the news 97% of makeup is made in China
and all supplies are shut down..

Fellas, you are about to get a rude awakening!!..


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On The Environment !

Let me get this straight...
at the grocery store I bought a pound of bacon wrapped in plastic;
a loaf of bread, wrapped in plastic; milk that is in a plastic jug;
ketchup, mustard and mayo all in plastic containers; and
a dozen eggs in a plastic container.

However, they wouldn’t give me a plastic bag to take my
groceries home since it is bad for the environment


**********


Horse'n Around....

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat
burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is listed as stable.

**********

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ,
"AND THEY'RE OFF!”

**********

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers,
as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.


**********



The definition of 'Bravery'

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a
very late night out with the boys.....

Then.....being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
And still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"


**********


John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said,
“Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied,
"Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?"
he asked excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the
dictionary definition of the word warm."

John was pleased until he went home and,
just for fun, checked his dictionary and found:

"Warm: Not so hot."


**********


Christmas is coming so a husband walks into
Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price - the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500,
and takes it home.

He wraps it up and on Christmas Day presents it to his wife and
asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

He expresses that it will be a Christmas present from her to him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ),
"I have an idea.. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,
and keep the $500 refund for myself."

Shortly thereafter, she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says,
"Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

The funeral is 12/26 and it will be a closed coffin.

[Charon]

   


   

   


   

[Charon]