Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[Charon]

CHRISTMAS JOKES



What do most snowmen usually wear on their heads?

Ice caps.







What do you call a really funny Christmas joke about a duck?

A Christmas quacker.







How is Eminem like a Christmas Elf?

He is a master at wrapping.

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Why is it so difficult to locate an advent calendar nowadays?

Their days are numbered.

[IceWizard]

2020 Staff Christmas Party

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:        All Employees

DATE:    October 01, 2020

RE:        Christmas Party




I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no
gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's
pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty







FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:        All Employees

DATE:    October 02, 2020

RE:        Holiday Party




In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. 
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will
have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty







FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:      All Employees

DATE:  October 03, 2020

RE:        Holiday Party




Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting
a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members
feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.






FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To:        All Employees

DATE:  October 04, 2020

RE:        Holiday Party




What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of
year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House
can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything
for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've
arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed
to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their
own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the
person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will
have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high
blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty







FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO:        All F**king Employees

DATE:    October  05, 2020

RE:        The Fudgeing Holiday Party




Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the
Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from
the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f**king salad bar,
including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream
when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from HELL!!!!!!!!







FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:  October  06, 2020

RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party




I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided
to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.




Happy Holidays!

[Charon]

Oh that is friggin awesome, Ice. I feel like we all are talking in the Vault.

It is absolutely hysterical and i used to worry about all this stuff. Now, I cannot.

But it is so funny about Why what a diverse people we are. And to get crazy at the vegetarian pricks I believe? Perfect. Great Find. *It sounds like some of my posts when we went public. Or AT ETs place*

[willie33]

Hilarious, everyone. 

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[IceWizard]

As always.... You find the best memes my Sisters ...

Oh, and that restaurant? I have been there...Arroyo's ...
that guy has some of the funniest sayin's on his board...
A new one it seems like everyday!!!

01. What do you get if you lie under a cow?
A pat on the head

02. Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem?
It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

03. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
They were two deer

04. What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we'll go places

05. Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles

06. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsillitis

07. What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

08. What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf?
You are so last season

09. What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper

10. What is the best Christmas present?
A broken drum, you can't beat it

[IceWizard]

Texans are used to being the brunt of all sorts of jokes, whether about
our accents, obsession with football, weird weather, or our unabashed pride
in our state. We love Texas and couldn’t imagine a better place to live.
Luckily, most of us have a good sense of humor and can take the heat,
so if that sounds like you, you’ll love these 10 jokes about Texas!

[IceWizard]

Funny Dogs & Cats Talking






Ultimate Dog Tease






Talking Dog Neutered!!!






Blind Double Date F@rt Commercial






Keep F@rts Funny



*************************************

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.
The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,
"Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim
the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the
loud-hailer and asks,
"Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts,
"No, we’re the last 4.
The other 20 million are already there.”


************************************

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT)
found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and
there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.


A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis
it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been
killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause
for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill,
they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",
not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

[Charon]

Both excellent Ice. *I am doing Mr.Burns from the simpsons voice*