Humorous Smilies

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

13,000 people go to the emergency room
each year from the golf course.


Here's why


Golfing Mishaps

[Charon]

great golfers, Ice.

   

[Charon]

   

[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

A man runs into a bar.

Panting, he tells the barkeep,
“Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!”

So the barkeep sets them up and the
man knocks them all back in seconds.

“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.

“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.

“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.

“Only twelve cents.”


*********************************

This cowboy walks into a bar.

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.
His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper.
And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.


********************************

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.

The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.

“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender.
“Where did you get that?”

“France,” the kitty says.
“They’ve got millions of them!”

*************************************

An amnesiac walks into a bar.

He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says,
“So, do I come here often?”

********************************

Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?

A: One has claws and the end of its paws,
and the other is a pause at the ends of a clause.


*************************************

Did you hear the one about the pregnant woman…

She went into labor and started shouting,
“Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”?

She was having contractions.

*****************************

Never leave alphabet soup on the stove and then go out.

It could spell disaster.


*******************************

When I was young there was only 25 letters in the Alphabet?

Nobody knew why.

******************************

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: Two.
One to screw the bulb almost all the way in,
and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

[IceWizard]

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

*****

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

*****

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

*****

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey…....

and a cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

*****

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

*****

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

*****

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

*****

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

*****

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

*****

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?

“Curses! Foil again!”

*****

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks— I’ll never part with it!

*****

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

*****

What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador.

*****

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad away.

*****

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.

He kept leaving little messages around the house.

*****

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

1Forrest1.

*****

On the first night of their honeymoon,
the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his
stinky feet and smelly socks,
while the wife is wondering how to break the news
to him about her awful breath, which so far,
she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the husband gathers
his nerve and says,

“I have a confession.”

She draws closer,
peers into his eyes, and says,

“Darling, so do I.”


Recoiling, he says,
“Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

(and that when the fight started)

******

I was at this wedding, and I said to the bloke next to me
"Ruddy hell, that bride is ugly".

"Do you mind? That's my daughter!" came the reply.
I said "I'm sorry,
I didn't realise you were her father".

"I'm not, I'm her mother".

(and that when the fight started)

[Charon]

   

[Noelb98]

[IceWizard]

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favourite type of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

*****

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

*****

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

*****

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies.

The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

*****

Mitchy had a problem with body odour,
so he went to see his doctor.

“Do you wash?” the doctor asked him.

“Of course,” Mitchy replied. “Every single morning I begin
at my head and wash down as far as possible.
Then, I begin at my feet and wash up as far as possible.”

“Well,” the doctor told him,
“I suggest you go home and wash possible.”

*****

After two months on the job, the new employee
believes he deserves a fat raise.

“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $50,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you
say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, and
a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”

The employee sits up straight.
“Wow!” he says. “Are you kidding?”

“Yes, but you started it.”

*****

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares,
“Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years,
but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair!
The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head.
“Not again…”

*****

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception,
my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand,
leaned in, and said,

“You are better looking than half the women here.”

(And That's when the fight started)

*****

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go
for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

(And That's when the fight started)

*****

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband,
“I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace.
What do you think it means?”

“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package
and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper
and found a book titled
The Meaning of Dreams.

(And That's when the fight started)