Humorous Smilies

[willie33]

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[willie33]

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[willie33]

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[Roses]

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[willie33]

[IceWizard]

Paddy asks "Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night?"

Mick replies "He was absolute terrible. Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out!"

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold.".

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A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. 'Could it be Andre Rieu?' he thinks to himself. He looks around but no one can be seen, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:

"LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN, 1770- 1827".

Then he realises that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says "He's decomposing".

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THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED, WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES.

"MAY I HELP YOU SIR?" SHE ASKED.

"I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE," THE MAN REPLIED.

"SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD PREFER SOMEONE ELSE." SAID THE MADAM.

"NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE," HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5,000 A VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS...

AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE VALERIE.

VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE AND THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE WAS STILL $5,000.

AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, "NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

THE MAN REPLIED, "IOWA."

"REALLY," SHE SAID. "I HAVE FAMILY IN IOWA."

"I KNOW." THE MAN SAID. "YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN:

1. DEATH

2. TAXES, AND

3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER


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The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Olef demanded.

"Well" she said "you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any".

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"

She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me". Patrick reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?" She too explains "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any".

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the love "o decency, here"s a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit!"


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A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour".

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued "Excuse my asking but, May I ask what the turkey did?"

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A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde.

"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $150,000 asking price" said the man. "Yet I just heard you close the deal for $135,000 to the lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on this model".

"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist? Besides, I think she fancies me" replied the grinning salesman.

Just then the young woman approached them and walked straight past the salesman to the middle-aged couple and gave the husband the keys.

"There you go" she said "I told you I would get the idiot to drop the price. See you later, dad!"


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A Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar. Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says "As good as this bar is" said the Scotsman "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink".

"Well, Angus" said the Englishman "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two".

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'" said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you, Paddy?"

"Not me meself, personally, no" admitted the Irishman" but it did happen to me sister quite a few times".


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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.

For the final test,the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into

the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his

eyes,"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,

one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,

She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


MORAL : Women an be evil
Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!

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My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying.
At first I thought she was joking.

But then, I saw her face

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A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realises that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens!

"No problem" he says to himself "I still have my emergency chute". So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. "What am I going to do?" he thinks "I'm a goner!"

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for".

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

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[IceWizard]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today".

The bartender says
"Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink... in fact, this one is on me".

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says
"I would like to buy you a drink, too".

The old woman says
"Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water".

"Coming up" says the bartender"

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
"I would like to buy you one, too".

The old woman says
"Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water".

"Coming right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.

Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies

"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor...

Holding your water,now that's a whole other is a whole other issue".



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A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.


In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 Hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.


The question was:



"A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA, says
"My answer is, there IS no answer".


The second, from England, says
"My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one, from Scotland, says
"I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

[Roses]

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[IceWizard]

Love those Roses, just love em

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 

"Before tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, 

that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, 

Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 

"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...


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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, 

the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. 

It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. 

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate" he stated. 

"Why yes" she replied "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church".

The pastor replied "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" 

The elderly woman answered "$10,000 a week".

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" 

"He is a veterinarian" she answered".

"That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money" the pastor said. 

"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly "In Nevada.... he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno".

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An Australian, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.
The Iraq troop leader says "We're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request".

He says to the Welshman "What's your last request?"

The Welshman says "I want a thousand Welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'".

"What about you?" he says to the Scotsman.

"I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave" says the Scot.

"What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman.

"I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.

Turning to the Australian, he says "And your last request?"

The Aussie says "For God's sake mate, shoot me first!"

[willie33]

Funny!

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