Humorous Smilies

[Popster]

These posts are tooooooooo funny......my cheeks (face) hurt and my belly is sore.........I am a happy man....thanks...

[IceWizard]

One day many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a Villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John and I'm okay thanks," I replied.

"John, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive . . . I was weak.

"Well okay," I finally agreed and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth: "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. "So I best go now"

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile: "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Probably still under the cart......

" I said.......

---

A Dealer Perhaps?




An Australian Visa....?

A Pommy bloke calls at Australia House in London to get a visa to visit family in Australia.

The bloke behind the counter asks "do you have a criminal record ?

Pommy bloke sighs and asks,
"Is that STILL a requirement......? "

How to Tell Twins Apart



Friday... My Second Favorite...

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A Farmer's Deer Hunting Lesson

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education..

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer exploded.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.

As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined..

The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

---

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.

It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in.

I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead.

My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

---

Deer will strike at you with their front feet.

They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp...

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse.

This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

[willie33]

[IceWizard]

One For the Brits

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

01. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

02. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

03. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

04. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.

If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

05. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

---

06. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

07. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

08. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

09. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.

Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

---

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

---

We need to Start Worrying...

[Linville]

maybe that is why I cant sleep, but on the other hand I can sleep I just cant go do it, I know crazy .

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[willie33]

A LOAD OF CRAP

[IceWizard]

Wow Willie.... I don't think that guy should park there again!! Ever!!



Now that's a load!!

Ice

[Popster]

willie......omg those are funny......I especially like the "you will starve".....your too much.

[IceWizard]

Man... That Fox is stacked!




How Ya Like My New Pool

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It's A Miracle!!

Paddy drops a slice of buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side- down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "It's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top!"

"No", Father, "I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Paddy.

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir…. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome . No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Paddy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy Man must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Paddy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"


Is Nothing Safe Anymore??

An Ode to the Odor

A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

That farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
There's old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - don't they?

---

Thingz to Do in A Public Bathroom Stall

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''

''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''

''Damn, this water is cold.''

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

''Now how did that get there?''

''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''

Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''

'Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, ''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''

''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''

Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''


They Have a Sense of Humor

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read:
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.
"Catatonics and High Colonics"

No go. Next, they tried
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"
Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"

Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"

Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"

No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"

Still no good.

"Loons and Moons"

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones -
Specializing in Odds and Ends."

Finally everyone loved it.

[Popster]

Ice, those are too funny